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It takes both of you to make it work and it is mutually beneficial for both parities. Sex is a gift to be enjoyed. The Bible pretty much says that married folks should be having sex and lots of it. No, really it says that the only time to refrain from sex is for a period of time for fasting and praying and that is only for a period of time, otherwise the devil will use that to keep you apart. Out of everyone I know, the married people have the suckiest sex lives. Why are the single people having all the good sex?
Most men can get over things pretty quickly. If Jeanette and I fight, I can get over it and make up in minutes and be totally fine to have sex that night. Their emotions are involved and they tend to put up some more walls then most men. This could be how she lost her virginity. This could be a situation involving abuse or rape at a younger age. She thought marriage would solve this, but these issues have never been addressed thoroughly and have caused her to just not be interested.
My gut is that if you could help her process some of these things or encourage some counseling, then that could be a great start to help her find the healing she needs. I was taught growing up that sex was bad.
Talk through this stuff. Talk about sex being a great thing. Its more than that. We live in a world where sex with your self masturbation has become the norm, and most men bring this into their marriage. Masturbation has taught you one thing: It leaves something out: You get off in your favorite position and think sex is all about what you like. If you approach sex like that? She wants you on top not just behind her all the time.
My suggestion was to communicate. Let her be involved in what she likes, how she likes it, and let her reach orgasm. Really work to achieve this together and if not at the same time make sure both of you have the option. Oh, and one last bit of advice: You only touch her when you want sex. I am not going to bore you with the crock pot vs. Women need to be touched, kissed, and hugged all the time, not just when you want action. This will go far. My wife loves to have sex and I think we have a great sex life.
I am going to recommend trying to have sex every other day. I have been married 15 years and that is an expectation and goal we both have set. My wife is done after about 9pm. Guys, you might have to get on her schedule.
Her walls are up. These are the walls I talked about earlier. Some of them might not have anything to do with you, but some of them sure do. Pay attention to her. Look for signals and ask. Run towards resolution and get in the sack.
The devil is laughing when us married folks sleep in separate beds. Have you told her you loved her? Have you told her she is beautiful?
Have you told her she is sexy and you still get excited when she steps out of the shower naked? Show her, tell her, and keep the lights on once in a while during sex so you can remind her that you love looking at her. You start looking at porn to get what you need and then your sex life is non-existent. So you see the problem there.
That is getting you nowhere. And when she does initiate, never turn her down. There might be more, but my plane is landing and I have to turn off my computer. Go in with the expectation that this is for her, not for you. Also, since its more difficult for women to derive the same pleasure its kind of needed.
I think you are correct… however I guarantee many men reading this article have already tried that. My PhD focused on sexual desire and I know of no research that would back it. It assumes men are driven by the biology of built up desire and women are not. Especially one seeking to honor Christ.
Thank you for that input! Hang in there Ra. You are not alone. There are many women who have to fight hard for their sexual integrity.
Keep focused on the goal of healthy sexuality. Cross culturally, the woman is the high desire spouse for 1 in 5 marriages.
That would be me. I was the high desire spouse for sure. I never cheated, but got blamed for it all the time. It was, by far, not our only issue, but eventually one of the heavier straws that broke our marriage apart. I tell my girl friends all the time that they are just as responsible for the health of their sex life as their husband. The longest i went was 4 yrs. Link her to this article. Or to one of hundreds of scientific journals and health magazines which recommend around three times a week.
Or to the Bible. Women will just feel invalidated because you showed her the article and interpret it as making her wrong. Personally i think couples should always be reading a book together or relationship series or possibly going to counseling especially with really big issues I love anything my larry crabb like the marriage builder is AMAZING!
If you are not fond of driscoll maybe like john piper. Tim keller is a lot softer of an approach. Usually anything on the book song of songs is great for this area.
Second, the approach can make a woman feel like a piece of meat. You have to let her know sex is your way of expressing your love and intimacy with her. Thats its a special sacred time where you get to physically act out your love for her. Know her love language for a lot of women more quality time is what they long for and use it to communicate this. Moreover, make sure its not all about you. What does she enjoy in bed. How can you serve her. She might just want to sit and kiss like when you start dating.
For a lot of women it is more difficult to derive the same pleasure so sex needs to be something she looks forward to and sees in a positive light. The kids still need to be taken to school, dinner needs to be made and bills need to be paid.
Lastly and actually most important just pray God will open her heart and allow her to view sex through your eyes and will show you the ways in which you can communicate that to her. Even I allow it, I can became agressively rejecting any moment. One of my favorite marriage books is called the marriage builder by larry crabb. Its helped my husband and I so much. It great on how to handle and process emotions and feelings in a loving constructive way for yourself and for the relationship.
It will only reinforce your resentment. I cannot find a way to discuss with her. I am in a demanding job where I confront issues daily, however I am a complete idiot at home. I live in a daily battle of fighting off trying to find alternatives to this intimate void in my life.
Please pray for me. I yearn for intimacy and love.
But romance being what it is, that perfect scenario doesn't always present itself. If you're in a similar situation, i. I'd like to see a similar image of you. Send a couple sentences describing your personality. I'm silly, a bit of a tease, and definitely eager to make you feel incredible.
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