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There is a good reason i don t have a boyfriend

There is a good reason i don t have a boyfriend

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There is a good reason i don t have a boyfriend

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We all go through phases of singledom. Some phases are shorter than others, some are more welcome than others, and some are more fun than others. No matter the circumstance — we are all single at one time or another. I have best friends who have been there. And it has taught me a lot about what being single means, and what being truly ready for a boyfriend means.

So before you go spending another Friday night home alone sulking about being single — read this. I was single for several years after my last break up, and I complained a lot about being single. While I still blamed Tinder or fuckboys or whatever else for my singleness — it was really myself.

Desperation is a very real thing. Men can smell it on you — and you give off signs. For boys, that can feel like the weight of the world. Know the difference between a potential mate and a space filler. Being single is better than being with someone just to kill time. Staying in is one of my favorite things.

Staying inside, staying in your comfort zone, staying with the people you know, these are all easy traps to fall into. Try saying yes to every new opportunity for a month — see where it takes you.

Now, I know a lot of people meet at bars. If this is your number one way of trying to meet your next beau, you will almost certainly fail. The key is to get out to new places — to try new activities. Gyms, run clubs, meetups, volunteer groups, kickball leagues — wherever you live I guarantee you that your city has any number of activities you can get into where you will meet quality, like-minded dudes.

Stop spending your Friday nights on Tinder aimlessly swiping right. Stop spending your Saturday nights at the same bars just waiting for a hot dude to come up to you.

It will happen when it happens — period. In the meantime, spend your time cultivating new hobbies, focusing on work, meeting new people, exploring your city.

Why Your Boyfriend Doesn't Initiate Sex | The Inspirational Lifestyle

When there is assertiveness there is a headache not to far ahead. This read has made me much more aware. Especially how need for validation and feeling of worthlessness is linked together.

Can you recommend anything to reduce the crippling nervousness and racing thoughts that kills my mojo, every time I consider approaching girls I want to bang? Check out this video and let me know what you think: Its always the guy who has to be changed.

A human being can I ly take so much rejection. The only time I get upset is when something hits a nerve deep inside me. I read the anger and resentment in your comment and I feel for you. I get it, I do. I used to blame women for my pain also, there was some satisfaction in convincing myself that they were at fault. Sorry this is bull shit. You are a Mangina and you side with women in hopes of being favored.

More men initiate sex more than women, even your own post mentions that: When men play the same card, punks like you write this stupid shit. You are extremely naive or in denial of reality. I know my way around town. Where is the flip coin?? Instead of bowing down to this one sided bull shit.

I must be bad at sex and not good enough for anyone. Unfortunately, in our neediness we find others who are unhealthy, and it can often seem like these others are all that exist. Thanks for sharing, I know many men who would resonate with the story of being treated poorly by women but still loving them. Dan thank you for sharing this, it has been one of the most to the point articles on the subject I found online. Please allow me an observation and a question. The woman remains the sexually dominant figure, when you have to tell to a man what to do, even if you try subtle ways in the sex game; you can always encourage someone to continue, but you can not convince to initiate….

The guy I have been dating for the last couple of months is exhibiting also a sort of this behaviour. We go out, we sleep in the same bed. At the beginning we would make out and at some point he would stop. As you mentioned above a night that we were drank I took over the situation and we had penetrative sex, but after a while he lost his erection. I tried to initiate sex the next morning thinking the previous night not working out was because of alcohol consumption and he told me very clearly that he did not want to.

I am Italian and he is Danish, both 35 and single, we work in the same sector and we are both fairly successful. So here it is my question to you and my request for help because I like him and I am very confused, how can you tell if the man is dealing with erectile dysfunction or he is, as you very well put it, sexually passive? Can it also be that in our times when sex is so easy and meaningless as a result, he is waiting to be sure he feels something for the woman and vice versa?

Lastly, could I do something to give our getting to know each other a chance? I admire him in many ways and would like to share things with him. Hi Elena, thanks for bringing this up. What will help him most is becoming comfortable about it, which will come from having deep, meaningful and vulnerable conversations about sex. Aim to have no secrets left. This will probably have a huge impact on his shame. My live-in boyfriend 63 and I 58 have been together since April , and living together since January He was more enthusiastic about sex when we lived apart in a long distance relationship 6 hours drive apart and saw each other almost every weekend for 6 months.

We used to have sex at least once every week, but after a few months, it dwindled down to once every 3 weeks, and now barely once a month. He compliments me all the time for my looks and I am still attracted to him. I know he masturbates in the bathroom on a regular basis, but when I confronted him gently about it, he lied and said he NEVER masturbates. Rather than try to be more interested and engaged in sex with me, I have to live with it or move on, but he is not going to change.

The rare occasion when we do have sex, he seems to thoroughly enjoy it. I wish it lasted longer — my only complaint, lol. What struck me here in this forum was that many of the couples in similar situations are younger than we are. In your description what I see the most likely issue is that your man has shame around sexuality evidenced by lies about masturbation , and that this causes him to feel pressured during sex evidence by erectile dysfunction and preference for masturbation.

If you express that you will have to leave him rather than tolerate this, he may be prompted to seriously consider working on this issue. I have a problem very similar to sadie and would like to talk to you or know your response to her. She initiates by holding my hand and touching my thigh.

I feel like if I do it she might not want it. Hi anon, this sounds like a case of Green Light Syndrome for sure. In the metoo age this fear is heightened — men are becoming terrified of accidentally abusing women sexually, so they play it safe by doing nothing at all. Hey mate, unfortunately your email bounced back as invalid. Contact me at dan theinspirationallifestyle. It took him right at two months to even kiss me. We live a distance from each other but still try to see each other once a week with our work schedules and kids.

Just this weekend, I had to grab his hand so he would hold mine. Only that first time, he initiated. I did the second time. But I will NOT initiate again. He told me once that he thought I was very attractive. Does it get better with time with very passive men? Or is this something I have to deal with or move on? Why is it OK for a woman do play this game, but not a man? You have every right to decide with whom you have sex. But so does he. Why do you feel you have a right to his body?

Or that he has to be attracted to you? Please do him a favor and dump him now. You are obviously not sexually compatible. But of course, the only solution is that he must bow to your wishes. A man can not win at this game. I swear, women decide in advance that they are going to complain about and try to control the man. No wonder men are bailing out of the dating game in hordes.

And this male author is encouraging men to fall into their traps. Interesting that you see women as the enemy, perhaps this is the source of your discontent. It also implies that you do not take responsibility for your own pain. Perhaps this, also, contributes to your dissatisfaction with connections.

Can anyone be anymore insensitive? I want physical contact. Wow, this article was very helpful to me. I feel like you have been watching me throughout my life and relationships with women. We were having sex like twice every month. My pursuit to increase that rate always failed. So I though she was just not into multiple sex occasions so I cut back on the initiation. Then the nagging, silent treatment, and all the dramatic tantrums started.

We had one sided conversations where i pretty much asked questions and got no responses or vague responses. I staged romantics dinners and initiated sex again, the first one after the long period of sexual tension was a success, then we went back to 1 out of every five trials again.

I can count maybe three times in a year that she initiated, one of the times she just wanted to make out and cuddle. I pull the plug on the relationship after about a year or so. Sounds like a very unbalanced relationship, where you were not respected. Check out this podcast episode on balancing investment in a relationship https: The average male is exposed to pornography for the first time by age 11, which is long before most men meet their wives.

Pornography would be an issue for someone who is addicted regardless of who they married and how often she was willing to have sex. I love your article and it was enjoyable to read! I had a feeling something was a little off when it came to the bedroom scene and at one point I was starting to think maybe it was me why he was behaving like that. I and my husband are in our twenties, both of us are physically active, healthy and attractive. It really frustrates me because I feel deprived of attention and catch myself wanting to flirt and cheat with other guys that would give me even slightest sign of attention and show admiration.

I almost cheated on him with some guy who barely spoke English but was very romantic and assertive towards me. I even had an extremely toxic relationship for almost a year only because the guy was giving me compliments right and left and sex life was amazing, even though everything else was horrible!

But he is always nice and caring and holds my hand in the car.. I can definitely agree with your point of view, my husband grew up in a family of very strongly opinionated women about women rights and women treatment by men. Maybe even a little too strong. Also he was mainly raised by his older sisters because his parents worked a lot. He does masturbate, I know it because I asked him. And he confirmed that he does.

I have no problem with that. He is really nice guy, we get along very well. We love and respect each other. But our sex life makes me really doubt us.. I had relationships where sex was great but everything else not so much, this one is the opposite.. This is what was said. Women talked about ending sexism. Well, men want that, too. Men want to be loved for their bodies, too.

So how do you explain to millennial women who have no idea what a male thigh looks like that in the year in many schools in the USA boys were also coming to school in short shorts and swimming on swim teams in flower print bikini Speedos.

Check out the yearbooks from that time period. I defy you to find that kind of male swimming attire being sold in liberal pro transgender Target or Wall mart these days. We actually had equality on the body issue in the seventies. We even had it in the year There was less sexism in the movie, Muscle Beach, with Annette Funicello where both genders paraded about California beaches showing an equal amount of flesh—also in the movie Where The Boys Are, a film about rape, by the way, in which the male characters react very sensitively to a female rape victim in Miami Beach.

But take a look at the equality of flesh being exposed by both genders in that movie, then look at the horrid hateful sexism against the male body today on beaches. There are no bikini Speedos on the beaches today in the USA and also in many other countries that have had hip hop forced onto their cultures I am writing to you from southeast Asia, so come and take a look. Look at that sicko man. So, hey, why bother? It is going to take a couple generations of MGTOW before we can look honestly at this problem and say that sexism against men and boys and their bodies and expecting them to do most of the initiating is toxic to the relations between the sexes.

He wanted to adopt. Id try only to be pushed off. I thought it was me. That I must be horrible to be with.

I Never Turned him down in the beginning. I love sex and to be stuck in a marriage that was so sex less and loveless did a number on me. I never found port, or evidence of an affair. Maybe have been experiencing pain during sex and had to stop him. I read most if not all of the comments here but my case is a little different and I could really use your opinion. So, I have been with my girl for a year now.

We had 3 hour marathons etc. And I still do initiate every few days. My problem is, while we still do have sex regularly, it is always because I want it. Boring sex with her being a starfish. He not doing anything proactively and kinky. She did not do that 6 month ago. I understand, but she did not mind that much for the first half year. I got BJs without asking for it explicitly regularly. I have to ask for it and she makes clear she does not enjoy it.

We talked about it a little and she says I should not be surprised as this is normal for relationships that the sex is exciting and plenty in the beginning and becomes less interesting and less frequent.

The problem is that I really see this literally as a loss of interest in me. She taking me for granted. Curiously, though everything else in our relationship speaks for her being absolutely happy.

We cuddle a lot and share fun hobbies and go out together etc. So my current hypothesis is this: She actually pretty much admitted that before …. Does that sound correct for you?

Please convince me why I should even have a woman in my life. What value do they bring? Please prove me wrong. Spend 6 months on a mission to find the value in women.

Talk to them honestly. Seek to understand them. Ask them to educate you about themselves, all the while trying to keep an open mind by assuming that you are presently and temporarily blind to their value, rather than believing that no value exists.

I believe all humans are valuable. I also believe men and women are equally valuable, thought this was not always the case. I had to let go of my hateful presumptions to find this truth. If you want to cling to the belief that women are worthless, you are free to do so. My only question would be, does it feel like a good use of your life to do this? Is this passiveness a part of a man personality.

I recently went through a situation with someone I was dating and we basically broke it off because she said I was too passive as well as laid back. As I started to reflect on this situation, it made me take a look at my past sexual situations, rather in a relationship, or just a one night stands.

I have been passive not initiating in all of them. I also think this is one of the reasons why my wife ask for a divorce some years ago. With me going on 50, and this has been inbreeding in me over all this years, how will I truly get over this? I am definitely one those guys everyone consider super nice. I will pick up your book and Dr. Glover book, but any other suggestion will help.

Passivity shows a fear of the consequences of making a decision and acting. I was passive for 25 years but now I realize that was never truly ME. Check this out for more tips on how to move on to a new version of you http: You are leading us right into the feminist trap. One accusation, and your life is ruined. No amount of sex is worth putting up with a woman. You put any many next to a female, and he automatically wants sex??? Good luck with that.

The rest of us have smartened up and moved on. Get to the No instead of imagining it. If your move is met with resistance or outright rejection, of course you should stop.

But initiating will often require risking this rejection. My life with women is currently sexually satisfying, full of mystery and intrigue, and abundant in feminine compassion.

Why would I want to move on from that? Have you considered moving on from resentment? Some of the statements I made in the post are extreme and generalized — I thought that was obvious, though sometimes what I think is obvious is actually unclear, and I fully acknowledge that. The curse of writing is that words can never accurately express a belief, thought or feeling.

I was making the point that most of the time what appears to be platonic is actually masking hidden desire and resentment. I have had to flirt in the past with other guys to get the attention I needed but wanted from him. And it hurts like hell. But I do want to have sex in my life. And other men pick up on that and think that allows them to make passes.

Let me try to phrase what I think John is trying to say in a less belligerent manner: By growing up, I mean discovering, as every adolescent ought, the correlation between rights and obligations. Those adolescents who discover the level of strain they can endure and make peace with the compensation they are awarded, turn into adults.

Those who refuse to do so, will go to great lengths to convince themselves and everyone around themselves that the universe is one great collective conspiracy designed to exploit them and deprive them to what they believe to be their birthright. Women who complain about men wanting one thing, cannot be miffed by the gentlemen who do everything to avoid the description.

Of course, many women and men are not so capable in this area; the adults among them come to terms with their own vulnerabilities and learn to live with the level of pain they can bear. I realize that you mean well, but by trying to convince women that they really can have it all i. In reality, freedom is anything but carefree. I just wanted to thank you SO much for this article! I am married to a great guy, who is awesome in every way, but this particular issue has really been a bother for many years.

Your article seems spot on for a lot of reasons. It has broken my heart many times. Please ignore the haters, the article is fantastic! Aren't "resilient" and "strong" somewhat synonymous? What should I do now.. I always want him to sex me Aleast twice a week…. This is a very informative article. I am going to show it to my husband and see if he connects with it.

Especially since he acts very romantic during the day. Green light really sounds like a possible thing here. I used to jump on him like a cat with the absolute joy of having him as mine but he embarrassed me but making comments that I was, well a bit much.

So which is it? I miss feeling wanted. He is one seriously attractive guy he just exudes something that makes women follow him around when they see him. Even other guys notice. I am shy to but what a dirty trick life played on me with this one. If I initiate and have to turn her on just to have sex that makes me feel un wanted.

I, too, am in a very similar situation to Sadie, and would love to know what advice you gave to her. I am pretty much always the one to initiate sex and give the green light, but I find it really difficult to always play this role. It really does feel like a rejection and feels so painful.

My partner had hundreds of sexual partners in his teens and early twenties but said that when he settled down with 2 former long term girlfriends. He has said those women were never really interested and he was conditioned to come quickly to get it over and done with. He said he has not been with someone who wants sex as often as I do preferably a couple of times a week at least if I can! Tonight, we had sex instigated by me leaving him a naughty note in his lunch box.

I wanted more half an hour later. He stopped playing on his phone and said he was tired and needing sleep. He even boasts to his workmates about our sex life and how much I want him etc to make them jealous. Hi Leigh, this is a common problem, and I think I might have some ideas about your specific guy. Can you email me the same info please! I have the same questions! Love this article very interesting and helpful.

My boyfriend of 7 months does not initiate sex at all. He has a blockage. We kiss, we cuddle, we hug but no sex unless i pleasure him.

I found out he had in his previous relationships women that were sexy. Now, I am different than them. I am a lady he says. He has no problem to get an erection in that department but he tells me he has blockage due to my body type that he will try his best to work on that. He loves me, adores me and wants to get married and live together. What kind of help does he need in that domain….

I need to have intimate relationship. Need to make a decision here and he is such a greatttttttttttttttttt guy. Thank you, for a unique insight. First let me introduce myself a bit. I am a male on my mid 30s. For as long as I can remember, I was never really interested in intimacy or expressing sexual desire. The first masturbation I had was really an accident.

I was curious why my body behaved that way. My first and only sexual relationship came in my mid 20s. It was two years into that relationship that I had my first sexual intercourse. It felt stressful honestly. I tried to validate her as a sensual woman but that cannot be done verbally. That cannot be done by cuddling or kissing either.

Eventually the relationship broke down out of failure to understand one another and communicate in a constructive way. Which brings us to the present and to the issue discussed. In fact for a while after the destructive relationship it had gotten worse for a while on so many levels both physical and metal.

I have been visiting a psychiatrist for a few years now. This seems to help me semi-function on a daily basis. As a man trying to solve that problem, this article failed to address the problem altogether. Despite what they claim, men are fairly basic mammals. If males are or acted like basic mammals, I doubt there would be sexual frustrations or lack thereof by the way we know it today.

The root of the problem you are attempting to address lies in the male psyche as you said. So no other than that male himself can overcome it, despite the best of intentions of his spouse or friends.

On the risk-taking, approaching a woman subject and to your question that you ask your clients about what they are actually afraid it will happen, my answer would be that she would actually accept. This is much more complicated than it sounds. It was painful to read. What I believe is that a man attempting to read it needs to be prepared. There are so many different underlying factors that lead to that same Mr Nice Guy mental state.

Or to the state of abstaining from relationships or intimacy in general. They need to be addressed first. Go to a professional. Someone that clicks for you. You may not find the right one for you from the start. It will be bumpy. But it will be interesting. And in later stages, it will be fun. I just want to say thanks.

I need to read that book. I think it will be challenging to overcome, but at least i have a pretty good Idea of what the right thing to do is. As opposed to just giving up completely. I feel like I always have to make all the effort when we have sex and he always wants me to go on top which im really bored of now because its the same everytime and it never lasts long and im always left bored afterwards and he just goes to sleep. Hey Ab, this is a very common experience, and frustrating as hell!

This article was extremely sad but also relieving. I as a female who has a probably more than normal higher dominant trait vs other woman that I did serve in the military.

I have many achievements and such that I never really flocked around my now fiance because as I knew going intivthis relationship that he was the nice guy who immediately exhibited sexual initiation problems. Knowing one small verbal assault would ruin my chances of having a dominant man in the future. Which were not all untrue. To this day I nurture his delicate ego and he has gone back and forth on initiation. It was harder in the beginning because as a woman I felt he may be using initiation as a power thing which made me resent and at times I felt other ways that he was just a nice guy.

Based on being in a long term relationship with a lot of discussions. I get it , guys want to feel wanted as well. But I do want to feel wanted as well. To feel the seduction a couple can have when both are speaking each others language. But in all I see him in all the scenarios as a possible reason for his lack of initiation. To tell you the truth , it was never there even in the beginning. Many lonely nights when I slept over wondering why he never put the moves on me even though I agreed to sleeping over in the same bed.

I mean come on. I will never understand that even if your a nice guy. I mean give me a break. But since I stayed in the relationship I had to accept his asexual type of behavior. He says he will have sex anytime if I ever ask. Until I say something which then many times turned me off at times so he lost out because I was not going to have sex after I say something and he says ok come into bed well do something because that would only fuel that act.

But there were times depending on the situation and how I was feeling we ended up in bed because of again my initiation. All in all some men have weak egos. I believe that with all my heart andvl know he truly adores me.

He has other ways he expresses his devotion and attraction to me. Sometimes its hard though like I said I just want to feel wanted because I enjoy sex very much. Heartbreaking story Lisa, I can see you truly care for your man and are willing to do whatever is needed to balance the effort in the relationship.

I was raised in a violent alcoholic home dad and emotionally incested by my mother. The one time in my life I every showed interest in a girl was in high school, but she immediately went up and down the halls yelling out that I asked her out and so I was forced to leave by the laughter of dozens of my peers. She initiated and decided pretty much everything in our dating and subsequent marriage life, including relations. After 3 years she said that she was tired of initiating, had experienced no pleasure in any of our previous sexual relations, and that if I ever wanted sex with her again I had to initiate.

That was 20 sexless years ago. All of that is just to say that it may not have anything to do with how attractive your fiance is towards you, nor how much he cares for you. My sad life is proof that it is true.

Christ this is heartbreaking to read! Get in touch if you want to have another go at breaking through this — I can often help where therapists have failed because I look forward rather than back into the past. Hello, thanks for taking the time to write this article. Many of the points above definitely resonate with me.

Eventually I became and still am to a degree pretty anti-social a tendency I am trying to break. I suspect that this stems from being socially outcast at such a young age since it severely limited the number of interactions I had with people in general resulting in me not learning social cues very well. Once I graduated I started working at a place where I met my 1st meaningful girlfriend and we ended up dating for almost 5 years, moved in together and started planning a life.

Had a baby on the way and we both wanted to get married the relationship came to an incredibly painful halt when I lost my job during a recession so she aborted the child and moved back home with her mom turned out she had been piling up credit debt and was too proud to tell me anything about it. After this happened I became extremely depressed, demotivated and admittedly jaded. Where I live, Feminism is on blast and even questioning the ideology objectively will have you lambasted into oblivion.

There are many extremists. I find it almost sadly humorous how feminism seems hellbent on forcing men into their approved behavioral boxes only to be unattracted to what he becomes if they succeed. Otherwise it was grounds for sexual harassment. Again If you took the time to read this thank you for hearing me out i know i got off topic more than once this seemed like the appropriate place for the subject.

I feel you brother, we live in a dark time for love between men and women. I really hope I get a response. We also agreed sex was important in a relationship. Like we were in hs again. He loved the way I smelled if u know what I mean. So, the first night we had sex he had issues performing.

He went to go down, I said no because I just got off of my monthly. I always initiate sex. I give oral — I do everything! He had only performed oral twice in 6 months. I always had to have the bad boy. Never have I had this issue before. All because you said no once! See if you can help with my situation Dan Munro.

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months now. We have been living together for a month now. We sleep in the same bed every night. He has been suffering from insomnia lately so sometimes he will get up in the middle of the night and go to sleep on the couch. Before we were living together we were in a long distance relationship. In all the time that we have been dating he has never tried to sleep with me. Last night I think I may have heard him masturbating on the couch, which I find very upsetting.

So got a feeling if he was doing that it was over someone else. I do love him and I do want to sleep with him. I think what I noticed most was the lack of honest communication between you. Nothing can change until that happens. I recommend you check this out and then try to initiate an open discussion with him.

So I happened across this article and my situation is slightly different.. I am his type physically as he is mine. My husband has adhd which adds a big layer of challenges to the submissive male situation.

But the cycle goes like this. So I have an honest conversation with him. That I would like him to initiate. Take me by the hand, do something besides words. He says he will work on things. Then the process starts over.

He was raised in a religious sex shaming household which I know plays a part. His adhd is a huge obstacle causing him to never initiate with anything not just sex but any changes he says he will work on but never follows through. I plan our dates, I pay the bills, I initiate sex.

He teaches others and is looked at as a leader and has a serious job. And you were right about the sexually frustrated one being the one to seek help. I only came across this because last night I was rejected. Made a comment about how he thought he had chaffing so needs to let everything breathe. In every other way we are extremely compatible and very happy. But his inability to ever take charge in anything leaves me feeling undesirable and like a parent.

Hi Ashley I have to call out something I believe is the main issue: The fact that he can lead at work shows that ADHD and leadership are not mutually exclusive. This has almost nothing to do with ADHD! This is probably compounded by a porn addiction severely reducing his interest in real sex and his victim-mindset about ADHD, which you somewhat enable.

I suspect his sexual shame is the REAL issue. ADHD is in no way a genuine barrier to leadership it actually enables more bold impulsiveness and spontaneity. No worries Ashley, let me know how it goes dan theinspirationallifestyle.

My wife and I have been married for four years, together for 9. Our sex life is intermittent… Because I think she eventually breaks down and decides to initiate once a month and that positively reinforces my behavior of not taking initiative… Not getting into the drivers seat. But I do end up selling her approval and negotiating sex. Continue assessing her responses. I want this to improve. Yes, it sucks to not be able to go to eat with friends, go on vacations, or even just a concert!

Keep up the great blogs. One of the most important things with money management is not to apply sentimental value to your funds. While my friends went on trips, i ate top ramen and cried. I have lived my life backwards and am 54 and trying to pay off k in student loans.

I have six children with the youngest two still in college. All six should be college graduates. But I realize that I dug myself down in this hole and with time and perseverance I can dig myself out of it.

Thanks for all you do. Your articles are always good motivation. Thanks for the kind words James — glad the articles are helpful. I just try to write stuff that I would have liked to read when I was paying off my student loans haha! Nice job on the debt so far! A lot of people have excuse after excuse.

It took me a lot of years and struggle to get out of debt, but it has been wonderful having the free cash flow by not having to pay down debt anymore. We just bought me a new car well, new to me and 10 years newer than the beater I previously drove in cash. Totally worth the temporary pain to get there! The business will work out! Being financially prepared makes going out on your own so much easier.

We went from 2 car payments, 3 credit cards, 2 retail cards, financed mattress, TV, appliances, to debt free. Our biggest reason other than sanity was that we realized she could come home from work if we paid off our debt and tightened up our budget. She will officially be a stay at home mom in March!! Multiple jobs and keeping our lifestyle down in comparison to our peers will be so worth it!

It was the worst and best thing we could have done! People constantly looked down or thought our choices were stupid when we started. Why did we never eat out? Why did we drive older cars?

Why did we never spend money? My husband and I are working on paying down debt and saving for a down payment on a house at the same time. But at any rate, it feels good to be getting ahead. Paying off debt definitely sucks. Picky Pincher and I were talking last night about how he feels deprived during our debt payoff journey. This is our current struggle, since I obviously want him to be happy and not feel deprived.

I actually think a lot of college grads legitimately feel surprised. Everyone says that an 18 year old is an adult…but after teaching them in high school I pretty strongly disagree. Their still basically kids when they take on the debt. Some people mature quickly and figure it out, and others never really grasp the reality of debt until the letter comes in the mail.

I was surprised only by the fact that finding a job with my degree that pays decent is so dang hard.

I honestly thought I would get out of school and be able to pay off the student loans quickly. I could barely make a living. Im 23 years old and in the past 18 months have paid off 40k of my only loan. I have 2 trucks that are paid for. One is a reliable model and the other is a , much older than my friends cars but they are nice.

Currently have 46k saved in 5 years in 2 ks and only 35k left in debt with a 20k emergency fund and 6k in savings. My debt will go up when I build my house but I have a plan to pay it off in 5 years.

Working lots of overtime, but it will be worth it when everything is paid for. And it does suck—you are so, so right. We have only one loan to go and it still sucks. We had paid down the debt pretty well for the first five years we were out of school.

My savings account has struggled to grow because of this although I do have my emergency fund. My SO on the other hand is of the mindset that saving is more important than paying her loans. Her savings account would crush mine, but on the other hand her debt is still there. I actually made minimum payments for a few months about halfway into my debt-payoff journey so I could build a really good emergency fund.

We need to enjoy life NOW! They were smart and frugal but generous because of that. I saw two extremes growing up and I wanted to be like my grandmothers and not my parents. What was it that made just ignoring it like most kids our age do unacceptable to you? Actually it was pretty simple for me — I just took the right advice at the right time.

My wife and I were waterskiing with a friend of her family right after I graduated college. He basically just told me to pay off the loans and explained why it would help me in the future. He was a successful businessman, so I figured he was probably right. My personality kinda did the rest. Once I start something, I get pretty obsessed about doing it until I feel like I succeeded. Over the course of our lifetimes, we have paid off tens of thousands of dollars in debt.

It might even reach into the 6-digits if you count everything. It can absolutely be done. We made plenty of financial missteps along the way, but we also made a few good choices that carried us through. Just by putting my nose to the grindstone and throwing all my extra income at the debt. My husband also racked up quite a bit of CC debt when he was in his early 20s.

One day he sat down with all of his cards and balances and made a plan to obliterate it. He even had to borrow money to give as a wedding gift to a friend because he had paid too much towards his debt and forgot about his required attendance and expected gift.

A lot of people try to complicate it and then never end up doing it. We did it in 18 months! It totally sucked at the time. These are excellent points! That way, we can pay extra and ensure we are reducing our debt load faster. Great post on this topic, Bobby.

But in order to push through and knock out alot of debt in a short period of time, you really have to have a wake up moment where you realize that staying in debt is robbing you of your future and your ability to live your life now and make the best choices along the way.

Late bloomer I guess haha. Living in a tiny one bedroom now but will appreciate everything later! I hate paying off debt, but I hate having debt more so its a process that needs to be completed. Over the last 2 years Student loans: Reduced by 37, Mortgage: Reduced by 19, b: Contributed 21, I paid early on my mortgage to eliminate my PMI which cost 79 per month. Also, our student loan interest is pretty low now, so I thought the b was a good option. We will be done eventually!

Student loans, car loans, credit cards, you name it, we had it. In that time I was also laid-off and we relocated from Georgia back home to Arizona. The truest thing you said is very simple, yet it describes the journey perfectly: Glad to hear that it helps Jorge!

This past year I paid down 44K in debt, put away 20K for a wedding, and bought a 10K ring with cash. But I trust that the years to come will make it all worth while! Oh heck yeah it will be worthwhile. And I agree on the audience building advice. I kept my last one for Doing this allowed me to save up for the newer used car. Thanks for the encouragement. People were not that supportive when I was skipping their bachelorette party or not going home for Christmas in order to save money.

I think your story is helping people so keep telling it! After a not-so-fun last few years, I have no personal debt. That part feels great. But I still have a little bit of business debt. Not sure… Posting this question to get some thoughts. As a CPA, I would say business debt is a little different. Like you said, paying it down quicker can be anti-growth. One good measure is if you are netting a higher percent return on assets than what you are paying on the debt.

Basically means that you are effectively managing the assets of the company. In the last three years, my whole mindset has changed regarding money. Before, it was to buy a nice house, car, etc. Now I try to avoid material things and I am striving for Freedom.

I am 60 years young — one year ago I paid off a huge credit card debit due to being unemployed for two years — I have been at my current job for 5 years now.

I have always been rather thrifty, but when I got serious about clawing my way out of debt — thriftyness became an obsession! I am debt free now. It is a huge freedom and I sleep easy. My vehicle is 13 years old and I am renting a house, I would love to buy a home, but the thought of a mortgage fills me with fear. Debt free is amazing! My wife and I moved to Houston 4 years ago for her to go to Pharmacy school.

Well, we scratched through her not working much during the last 4 years, and about half way through it, read total money makeover, and got started.

We paid everything off but her student loans, and the mortgages on our condo and small rental house back in SA almost a year ago. We get made fun of for driving crappy cars, wearing older clothes, not going out, etc. It was a difficult and humbling decision to do that so we would not be financially burdened.

People always look at successful people with envy rather than trying to figure out what they have done to be successful. It will happen probably within the next year. Our biggest financial success so far is budgeting. I love this article as I am in the process of throwing everything above our monthly expenses towards paying extra on student loans. What they never seem to address is the fact that student loan interest is continuously compounded unlike most other loans or investments.

My suspicion is you actually end up losing in the long run, since people like to think of compound interest when it comes to investments but not when it comes to loans you have to pay back. What do you think? This IS stinking hard…but the end game will be bliss, and its important to look at the successes over our journey to keep moving forward.

In my view, there is nothing like a good challenge in life and a solid commitment to a common goal. In this case, with my spouse. We paid cash on the set-back New HVAC , but it still sets us a couple months off the schedule we had in mind. We were really hoping to get it all paid off in months…. Thanks for taking the time to put together some great stuff. We still have a long way to go but hope do be debt-free within five years before my 40th birthday.

Love reading your article! People assume that when I sold my house we "made a ton". We worked our butts off, got a little "lucky" in some regards, and worked some more. And I'm slowly learning to deal with it. Thanks for keeping it real! We have 18 months to go. It can be hard to commit and do it but the long-term reward is so worth the short-term sacrifice.

I graduated with 43k in student loans in When I started paying off my loans I was just paying the minimum. Then I started paying a little extra, but also saving hard so I could travel. When I returned and found a job, I made it a goal to have my loans paid off by the end of and focused hard on that. A very small modest house that we plan to update and rent out in years to start earning passive income. You are right that it is NOT easy and sacrifices are made; while friends are buying houses and cars, we were sharing a used car no car payment!

We worked every side job imaginable, paid off about 50k in debt and are putting k down on a new house. We were only making a little more than that annually.

Side hustles, no going out much, an absolute beater car. Now we are 26 and 27 and have a net worth over k. Three years ago we were still making around 35k annually, but because we were able to do so much early on it is really picking up big time. We are lucky to have great incomes, but also have 2 expensive law degrees to pay off.

We are content to live beneath our means and hold off on renovating our house. It sucked to leave San Diego, a city we loved, because it was too expensive for our financial goals. It is awesome to throw an impromptu backyard cookout and spring for the locally made artisan buffalo sausages for your friends.

It is awesome to decide you want to pursue a new hobby or want a new toy and it be a non-issue to drop a couple of grand on it. I have no student debt, thankfully. I majored in divinity, and my career is in finance…yes, I know. Anyway, my situation is slightly different. Living frugally can be a real b sometime, but it can deliver dreams as well. Put them in order and did one at a time while tightening our budget….. I lived with my parents for a year to save up for a truck and camper after college!!

Now I do travel nursing and pull my home with me to incredibly affordable RV parks all over the U. When I thought I was crazy the only one crazy enough to do this, I have met so many other healthcare professionals doing the same! So true, all of this. Debt free summer I worked two jobs, we lived in a shoebox for a house which was cheaper than renting in our town.

It really did something on another level for our marriage too! I graduated with about 78k in student loans. Thankfully my husband and I were able to get by without any student debt, but it came through lots of hard work and sacrifice in college.

Then we continued having tight strings on our budget to put a down payment on the house. Living without going in debt on a single low income can be hard to.

It definitely comes down to a special sort of grit. We made it a game … every week updating the spreadsheets and watching the debt plot fall. We had been paying a little extra each month for 8 years. And it does suck while you are going through the process. We made sacrifices on everything from eating out to missing out on trips with friends to my husband buying a very used Toyota 4Runner when his car broke down. It is worth it though! Now that we are done we have our extra income back and a better sense of what is actually important to us!

It was completely worth it. And it was blogs like this that I came to when I was so discouraged because it seemed like there was no light at the end of the tunnel to read how other people had done it and how I could keep persevering, too.

Every word of this post resonates with me. I actually waited to propose for the same reason with my student loans. Wow, such an encouraging article! We combined our finances and paid off 6k of credit card debt last week, whoop! Now we have 47k of student loans to tackle. I really agree with one other comment on here — that learning to budget in itself is a big win. The part that truly sucks is the interest. Seeing how much I have actually paid vs. Boy, did this ever resonate!

We are on track to have it paid off in 15 months. It has not been easy and we said no to a lot of things but we also are now way more financially stable and can spend a little more here and there than we ever thought about back then. We paid off , in student loan debt in 2. We started when our first daughter was 6 months old and finished a couple months after she turned 3 and we added a second child during that time. I also left the full time work force a month into our debt payoff for the better of the family as far as staying home with our daughter after some child care issues.

I was home full time for a year and then went back very part time. We recently sold our first house after keeping it as a rental until the housing market recovered enough to get out.

So even though it has been months since paying our loans off we are now officially debt free except the house we live in. We drive and cars that have been paid off for 5 and 7 years now.

We are saving to beef up our emergency fund and to buy a new to us family car in cash. We are hoping to get stared on retirement soon once the ef is finished. You totally hit the nail on the head with multiple points about the discomfort and other people not wanting to feel it as well as the anger and jealousy they feel about your own accomplishments.

It does suck so bad. My fiance and I are actually moving in with my parents this summer to tackle them even faster! Anyways, congrats on your successes and I hope one day our paths cross. Wow thanks so much Joshua! The internet is a big place haha. Congrats on putting so much towards your debt! I also made some mistakes that I am still paying for but almost finished. Never defaulted on anyone. Just this month I paid off the 3rd college loan and one of my children has completely paid off hers and the other two are very close.

All credit card purchases are paid in full monthly. Only thing left is 4 mortgages on real estate, including our home. LORD willing they will be paid in full in 5 years or less. We use a modified Dave Ramsey Plan. We all drive vehicles that most people laugh at, we live way below our ability because we want to get out of debt with out selling off assets.

The end result will be worth it. I encourage everyone, but especially those under the age of 35 to get out of debt and start a retirement fund. You can do it and you will enjoy the fruit of your efforts. Funny that this article came up today. I have dreamed about this for the 12 years I was in school and the 3 years I have been out. There were some sacrifices but now I can sleep easy and do anything I want.

I have been fortunate to live with mommy and daddy for the past eight years due to a cancer diagnosis and of course kind of getting comfortable here in the process.

I go through the same thing where people say why are you always broke when you make a good dollar! Tackle your debt highest rate, or lowest amount, and roll that payment into the next debt u r tackling. Student Loans paid off Credit card debt down to 1k from 8k.

Paid of negative equity on house we sold 25k Savings built up to 10k k building up nicely. New patio cash New floors cash. With that debt, we saved to buy a home and realizing the total of our debt at 22 I was terrified of money.

At 25, we made our final mortgage payment after living on one salary for 3 years and living frugally. Sucks badly, but so worth it! We have 5k left on 58k. Taken about 16 months and a lot of sacrifice. No going out to eat, no new car, bare minimum kind of things.

What a great feeling though when this is all done to have money to save up and buy great things for cash, to help our kids with college, to help our community. All because we took the time to budget, plan, and live intentionally. I am here to tell you that always remember your why, and it becomes so worth it! Keep up the great work! Thank you so much for this article!

This was just the encouragement I needed. Thank you for writing this. I finally feel like someone understands us. We got into a crapload of consumer debt. We decided to buck up and pay it off instead of filing for bky. Huge congrats to you guys for paying off your debt too, and for sharing how tough the journey really is. When we started our budget, i got mad when i couldnt buy ice for 10 cents bc it wasnt in the budget!

Then i realized that i was doing good when i figured out it was stupid to pay for ice, i mean its ice!! So, got married last semester of college for both of us. I came into the marriage with over 45K student loan debt. My husband was ahead with no debt, had applied for scholarships and never had credit card debt or car payments.

I thought i was doing fine bc i didnt have cc debt or a car payment either, but i never had savings and i had the srudent loans, so silly me! We were able to live at his gmas house close to the university for 1 year so we could finish school.

Got intentional so we could put a little something down on a house, and pay student loans, but out of school didnt have much income. Then husband changed jobs and first two years at new job only made 25K, so we were on 58K together, i didnt make much at my job but had good benefits. Now 9 years into marriage i am able to stay at home with our first child, we have enough of an emergency fund for 1 year.

He is still only making 50K. So its not about how much we make, but the choices we make with our resources.

I like the whole, ‘this must be a dream’ thing. But I can’t imagine him putting on a bra without some comment on what he was putting *into* the bra. I am years-old and got pregnant in August by my boyfriend of nine years. We started dating in middle school, and I have supported him through everything. The pregnancy was unplanned and my family life at home is very unhealthy, but my boyfriend wanted to keep the baby. I disagreed. I know in my. Here’s The Ultimate Reason Unbelievers Don’t Believe. Check out John And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.