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I hit my social peak at five years old. Kindergarten was da bomb, let me tell you. I was double-booked for play dates. During lunch, I had a system to hang out with all of my friends. I would eat my sandwich at the blue table, eat my carrots at the green table and eat dessert with the red table where the best swapping was.
At recess, it was agony trying to decide if I should play tag, do the monkey bars or trade stickers at the big oak in the corner of the playground—often panting while trying to do all three.
When the end of school bell rung, I would skip along the line of waiting mothers in their parked cars and high-five all of my friends as they pulled away. Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? Am I the only one who struggles with this?!
I want to teach you how to make friends as an adult. I was waiting to board a plane at an airport the other day and overheard two little boys have this incredible interaction:.
I wish I could walk up to someone nice, tell them something I liked and then ask them to be my friend. If only it were that easy! For some reason, becoming adult friends gets much trickier. Money will come and go and career success will fade in later years, but friends only make you richer. I believe that finding, building and maintaining fulfilling friendships is one of the most important things we do in our lifetime.
But I have a big idea. I want to give you a different approach to making friends:. I feel incredibly blessed to have found the most amazing group of friends after many, many years of awkward searching. They love to dress up in crazy costumes, are willing to participate in my science experiments usually and put up with my weird antics like asking to be blindfolded and seeing if I can recognize each of them by scent.
Looking back, I realized we had gone through a courtship process of sorts. They are going to tease me mercilessly for writing this post, I am sure of it.
It made me begin looking into the process of making friends. So, I want you to court your companions. I want you to think about making friends like dating, but without the heartbreak.
In this post, I want to show you how you can search for your best friend. Whatever this means to you—build your buddy system, hone your homies, meet your mates:. I know it feels a little weird to be talking about the science of making friends—to break down friendship into steps. But, unfortunately, the art of building friendships often gets lost in childhood.
I think friendships are important and worth the effort. So, I have broken down the process into steps so we can relearn this essential skill. Go through the following list of steps, just like you would court a new date. You are going to court your new friends.
Most people think about the kind of person they want to meet. Something like this perhaps? Then you look at the list and think about where you might find this type of person. A list like this also makes you more attuned to spot this person when you see them. Look at the list above and see if anyone you already know pops into your head. It even could be a distant relative, or a friend of a friend, or a spouse of a colleague. You are starting from scratch. Make a list of places, groups, clubs, classes and social networks where you might meet the kind of person above:.
This is the most important step for making adult friendships. Adults make two mistakes that get them all mucked up when it comes to making friends:. Flirting helps with both. Whether you already have someone in mind or you are going to go to a few events and meeting new people, here are three ways you can friendship flirt:. By this point, you have someone or a few people in your life who you think might make a great friend.
You want to pursue them, go on some dates, spend more time together. Here we borrow a saying from weddings. In the States, most brides wear four unique items on their wedding day for luck or just for fun. I find this is an easy way to think about different types of wooing. Now comes the serious part. You have someone you like and slowly have been courting them.
Most importantly, you want to know if you are good for each other. Over the next few weeks, go through more of the wooing steps and ask yourself these three essential questions:. Toxic relationships happen when we secretly have ill wishes for someone or they have them for us. They get jealous, they get judgy, they get controlling.
This is the most amazing, fulfilling, mushy-gushy part of friendships. I think this is the part of the friendship where investment really pays off.
What do I mean by investment? Emotional investment, time investment, energy investment. Even the best romantic relationships require tune-ups and energy. I think it is beautiful. Yes, I am getting mushy-gushy. Friendships are our greatest asset. We can make amazing friendships as adults—it just takes a little bit of courage and a little bit of romance. And then… middle school. It went downhill from there. I was waiting to board a plane at an airport the other day and overheard two little boys have this incredible interaction: Hi, I like trucks.
I like trucks too. This is my dinosaur. Can I be your friend? We meet fewer new people. We no longer have new classes every semester like in college, an infinite number of high school clubs or sports or summer camps to attend. Our priorities have changed. As kids, priority number one is fun. You want to play. You have recess, school vacations, after school play dates and camp. As adults, we work, we have family responsibilities and we have to pay bills.
Oftentimes, play and fun and relaxation take a backseat. They might say no. I want to give you a different approach to making friends: Friendship is the new romance. We attempt to play soccer together: We have won only one game so far. My husband humored me by taking the only 2 person kayak Looking back, I realized we had gone through a courtship process of sorts.
We search for soul mates, why not best friends? Whatever this means to you—build your buddy system, hone your homies, meet your mates: How to find the right kind of friends How to transition from acquaintance to confidante How to build solid friendships Warning: The Science of Making Friends as an Adult Go through the following list of steps, just like you would court a new date.
Choose Your Own Friendship Adventure: Witty Outdoorsy Smart Stable Job Family-oriented Then you look at the list and think about where you might find this type of person.
Go through the following prompts: What kind of person do you love hanging out with? What made a childhood friendship so special? What kind of person fits well with your personality? What activities would you love to have a partner for? Make a list of places, groups, clubs, classes and social networks where you might meet the kind of person above: Flirting This is the most important step for making adult friendships.
These relationships can be fulfilling in their own right, but what if you want to turn a casual acquaintance into a true friend? Dealing with Loneliness and Shyness: Making Friends Even if You're Shy.
Friendship is characterized by intimacy. True friends know things about each other: Start small with something a little bit more personal than normal and see how the other person responds. Do they seem interested? Do they reciprocate by disclosing something about themselves?
We tend to make friends with people we cross paths with regularly: The more we see someone, the more likely the chance of a friendship developing. So the places you frequent are a good place to look for potential friends.
Another big factor in friendship is common interests. We tend to be drawn to people we share things with: Think about the things you like to do or the causes you care about. Where can you meet people who share the same interests? When looking to meet new people, try to be open to new experiences. Not everything you try will be successful but you can always learn from the experience and hopefully have some fun. Volunteering can be a great way to help others while also meeting new people.
Volunteering also gives you the opportunity to regularly practice and develop your social skills. Volunteering and Its Surprising Benefits: How Giving Improves Your Life. Take a class or join a club to meet people with common interests, such as a book group, dinner club, or sports team.
Websites such as Meetup. Dog owners often stop and chat while their dogs sniff or play with each other. If dog ownership isn't right for you, volunteer to walk dogs from a shelter or a local rescue group. Attend art gallery openings, book readings, lectures, music recitals, or other community events where you can meet people with similar interests. Check with your library or local paper for events near you. Behave like someone new to the area. Cheer on your team.
Going to a bar alone can be intimidating but if you support a sports team, find where other fans go to watch the games. You automatically have a shared interest—your team—so it can be easy to start up a conversation.
Making eye contact and exchanging small talk with strangers is great practice for making connections—and you never know where it may lead! Invite a neighbor or work colleague for a drink or to a movie. Lots of other people feel just as uncomfortable about reaching out and making new friends as you do. Be the one to break the ice. Your neighbor or colleague will thank you later. Connect with your alumni association. Many colleges have alumni associations that meet regularly.
You already have the college experience in common; talking about old times can be an easy conversation starter. Some associations also sponsor community service events or workshops where you can meet more people. Track down old friends via social media sites. Make the effort to reconnect and then turn your "online" friends into "real-world" friends by meeting up for coffee instead of chatting on Facebook or Twitter.
Many companies offer carpool programs. If your employer doesn't, simply ask your colleagues if they would like to share rides. It's a good conversation starter and will help you connect with people who live near you. Here are some common obstacles—and how you can overcome them. Developing and maintaining friendships takes time and effort, but even with a packed schedule, you can find ways to make the time for friends. Put it on your calendar.
Schedule time for your friends just as you would errands. Make it automatic with a weekly or monthly standing appointment. Or simply make sure that you never leave a get-together without setting the next date. Mix business and pleasure. Figure out a way to combine your socializing with activities that you have to do anyway. It could be going to the gym, getting a pedicure, shopping.
Making new friends means putting yourself out there, and that can be scary. By working with the right therapist, you can explore ways to build trust in existing and future friendships. For more general insecurities or a fear of rejection, it helps to evaluate your attitude. These fears get in the way of making satisfying connections and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody likes to be rejected, but there are healthier ways to look at it:. Making a new friend is just the beginning of the journey.
Friendships take time to form and even more time to deepen, so you need to nurture that new connection. Be the friend that you would like to have. Treat your friend just as you want them to treat you.
Be reliable, thoughtful, trustworthy, and willing to share yourself and your time. Be a good listener. Be prepared to listen and support friends just as you want them to listen and support you. Give your friend space. Don't be too clingy or needy.
Everyone needs space to be alone or spend time with other people as well. Most of us are looking to make regular friends and if possible, true, soul friends. No matter whether you just want to make normal or best friends, you can do that.
When I was in junior college, I maintained this seclusive lifestyle, though I began to speak up more. If you take a look at the people out there who seem to make friends easily, they were probably seclusive themselves at some point. Their social skills were likely all picked up over time. For this same reason, you can learn to become more sociable through time and practice. The first step is to develop a healthy mental image of meeting new people. Some of us see meeting new people as a scary event.
We are concerned about making a good impression, whether the other person will like us, how to keep the conversation going, and so on. The more we think about it, the scarier it seems. This initial apprehension develops into a mental fear, which takes a life of its own and unknowingly blocks us from making new friends.
Shyness toward others is actually a result of fear. If so, start small first. Lower the difficulty of the task by starting off with your inner circle of friends, i. Some ways to do that:. Once you are out there with people around you, someone has to make the first move. Get to know each other a little better! Maybe someone who is understanding, listens, has the same hobbies, watches the same movies, has similar educational background, etc.
Give the friendship a chance to blossom. More importantly, give yourself a chance with this budding friendship. I have several very good friends who come from totally different backgrounds, and I would never have thought that we would be so close when I first knew them, simply because we are so different. On the same note, open your heart to the person. This connection between you and the other party can only begin when your heart is open. This means to be trusting, have faith, and believe in the goodness of others.
When I make new friends, I open myself fully, with full faith that they are good people, with good hearts and good intentions. I notice that because I do that, it has helped me foster a lot of genuine relationships which are built on trust, love and faith. I know that because I can feel the warmth from all of you whether in your emails, comments, or messages. A friendship is about both you and the other person. Get to know the person as an individual.
What defines the friendship is the connection between you and the friend. Show warmth, love, and respect toward everyone you meet. Care for them like you would yourself. If you approach others with genuinity, you will attract people who want to connect genuinely.
Among them will be your future true friends.
And the older you get, the fewer friends you probably have. such as school, and Epstein says adults should look for similar scenarios. Whatever happens, we tend to shed friends and then, feeling that sting of fear as loneliness beckons, find ourselves wanting to make new. A new generation of apps is matching people looking for friendship, not much like online dating, Rendezwho tries to make friendship a game.