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Later, he cries for her in front of you, telling you your monogamy request has broken her heart and his too. You are made to feel like a deficient partner, as he is now telling you that your needs hurt him, and that the most attractive quality he finds in a woman is a history of suicidal ideation.
You almost canceled your move from Austin two days before. You thought about calling it off because you had a feeling in your gut that this was going to be a mistake, that leaving your comfy life and good friends for a guy was kind of ill-thought-out, but you are also crazy, madly in love, and yet you know that this love is chemical and unhealthy.
That you would imprint this severely on the first man in years who fucked you like he loved you comes as no surprise. But nobody thinks moving to Portland is a mistake, so you went. Every day, you cry for safety and security and you ask him for it and it never comes. He is confusing you on purpose. He is shaking you up. He is making you doubt yourself. The only time it feels safe to be with him is when he is wearing the green cardigan.
When he is pretending. Kinky Daddy loves you the way you want your boyfriend to love you, but his love for you is waning, and you can feel it. You tell him to wear the cardigan, and he is Daddy, and he is kind and loving and lets you curl up beside him and cry into his armpit. When he is not Daddy, he is impatient, he tells you he finds your sexual needs intense and off-putting, he looks bored when he fucks you. There is a voice, loud, screaming, in your head telling you to leave.
Even as much as you want to stay, as much as you desire his body and his attention, even though the thought of giving up the best sex of your life seems horrible, as much as it breaks your heart to abandon your Kinky Daddy, there is a screaming subconscious voice yelling leave. You feel sick all the time, mentally and physically, awash in stress hormones, cortisol, adrenaline. You are perpetually triggered into fight-or-flight mode.
You cry more than you are happy. You are falling apart. He is convincing you that you are the problem, that you are asking for things you have no right to ask for. He is downgrading your relationship so he can get what he wants, which is no longer you. You are under so much stress and anxiety that you pass out in a grocery store, slumped over your cart in a blackout. You squeak out a no. And strangely, he has no reaction.
He displays no sign of emotion. He is simply gone. You cry, but there is something else. You are agitated, nervous, and you feel like you have a walnut lodged in your brain. You shudder and shake and wake up at 5am terrified and screaming. Your body is going through chemical withdrawal. You try to go back. You call him on the phone from Austin and you can hear the searing contempt in his voice. He talks down to you like you are the most shameful, disgusting little child.
He takes no responsibility for any of the break-up, or for any of your pain. You replay the breakup in your head over and over. You call your mother screaming, begging her to take you to the hospital. You go on anti-depressants for the first time in your life.
Your therapist nods and it takes two months before you believe her. You are astonished that a relationship could be so toxic that it could destroy you.
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