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The Umbrellas of Cherbourg French: The music was written by Michel Legrand. The film dialogue is all sung as recitative , including casual conversation similar in style to an opera. Umbrellas is the middle film in an informal "romantic trilogy" of Demy films that share some of the same actors, characters and overall look; it comes after Lola and before The Young Girls of Rochefort The film critic Jim Ridley has called Cherbourg "the most affecting of movie musicals, and perhaps the fullest expression of [Demy's] career-long fascination with the entwining of real life, chance, and the bewitching artifice of cinematic illusion.
Guy Nino Castelnuovo is a handsome young auto mechanic who lives with and cares for his sickly aunt and godmother Elise. At the same time Madeleine Ellen Farner , a quiet young woman who looks after Guy's aunt, is secretly in love with Guy.
Guy is drafted to serve in the Algerian War. In one of the connections among Demy's trilogy of films, Roland had previously unsuccessfully wooed the title character in the earlier Lola ; now he relates a version of this story to Madame Emery.
He has difficulty readjusting to civilian life. After an argument with his boss he quits his job, goes drinking in a seedy bar, and spends the night with a prostitute. When he returns to his apartment, Madeleine tells him that his aunt Elise has died. Guy sees that Madeleine loves him, and he rebuilds his life with her help.
Using the inheritance from his aunt he opens a new "American-style" gas station. Madeleine is decorating a Christmas tree. They appear a loving, happy family. She has a young girl with her. Looking outside at the girl in the car, Guy asks, "What did you name her?
She's a lot like you. Do you want to see her? The car is ready. She walks to her car, gets in, and drives off. As the camera pulls back, he frolics with his son in the snow, then picks him up and follows Madeleine inside.
The continuous music score and the brightly coloured photography had much to do with the popularity of this film.
Formally the work is operatic, with the plot advanced entirely through dialogue sung with accompanying music. The colour photography is bright and vivid. The whole is united by an orchestral score of simple rhythms and tunes that are integrated with the story covering five years. The actors' voices were dubbed for the songs in The Umbrellas of Cherbourg: The film score established composer Michel Legrand 's reputation in Hollywood.
He later scored other films, winning three Oscars. In North America, two of the film's songs became hits and were recorded by many artists: Both were given new English lyrics by lyricist Norman Gimbel. Tony Bennett 's performance of the theme song was added to one version of the soundtrack CD. The film was well received by critics.
The musical Fanny was based on Pagnol's trilogy. A restored digital version of Umbrellas of Cherbourg was shown as part of the Cannes Classics section of the Cannes Film Festival. Direction was by artistic director Jonathan Fox and choreography was by Ginger Thatcher. The West End cast: The film was originally shot on Eastman negative stock, which rapidly faded and became almost unusable. The various copies of the film used in the cinema circuit gradually lost their quality.
Umbrellas could not be seen with the rich colours which Demy had originally intended. Knowing that the Eastman stock would fade over time, Demy had made the three main yellow, cyan and magenta color separation masters on black-and-white negative films, which do not fade. These black-and-white prints had greater longevity.
Restored full-color prints were made from this in The resulting film recaptured Demy's vision of a fantastically colourful Cherbourg. Composer Michel Legrand assisted in restoring the original four-track stereo sound masters to digital. He remastered his score to produce a higher-quality version, now available on CD. This version was restored independently of the version with colour grading supervised by Demy's son Mathieu Demy.
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In the United States, separation masters are made, and have been made for nearly every Eastmancolor-originated title since about Additionally, so-called "low-fade" film is now used for making prints.
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A restored digital version of Umbrellas of Cherbourg was shown as part of the Cannes Classics section of the Cannes Film Festival. Direction was by artistic director Jonathan Fox and choreography was by Ginger Thatcher.
The West End cast: The film was originally shot on Eastman negative stock, which rapidly faded and became almost unusable. The various copies of the film used in the cinema circuit gradually lost their quality.
Umbrellas could not be seen with the rich colours which Demy had originally intended. Knowing that the Eastman stock would fade over time, Demy had made the three main yellow, cyan and magenta color separation masters on black-and-white negative films, which do not fade. These black-and-white prints had greater longevity. Restored full-color prints were made from this in The resulting film recaptured Demy's vision of a fantastically colourful Cherbourg. Composer Michel Legrand assisted in restoring the original four-track stereo sound masters to digital.
He remastered his score to produce a higher-quality version, now available on CD. This version was restored independently of the version with colour grading supervised by Demy's son Mathieu Demy. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. The Umbrellas of Cherbourg Film poster.
This section has multiple issues. Please help improve it or discuss these issues on the talk page. Learn how and when to remove these template messages. This section needs additional citations for verification. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. January Learn how and when to remove this template message. This section possibly contains original research. Please improve it by verifying the claims made and adding inline citations.
Statements consisting only of original research should be removed. Guy Foucher Christiane Legrand: Madame Emery Georges Blaness: Roland Cassard Claudine Meunier: This section needs expansion.
You can help by adding to it. This section does not cite any sources. Please help improve this section by adding citations to reliable sources. In the United States, separation masters are made, and have been made for nearly every Eastmancolor-originated title since about Additionally, so-called "low-fade" film is now used for making prints. Retrieved 23 December The Umbrellas of Cherbourg". Retrieved 30 April Retrieved 28 February Retrieved 5 November Films directed by Jacques Demy.
Palme d'Or winning films. Retrieved from " https: They know right from wrong and what he did to our family is wrong. I belevie that you respect the vow you made no matter what, unless their is abuse going on. We were the couple that rarely had any big arguments. Neither like confrontation and I thought we were going to grow old together.
Over the last year he refused to close the estate bank account he had to set up 2 years ago when his dad passed. He ended up putting what was left of his bonus and some other money he had put in there into our joint account.
We need every dime to make ends meet and still stuggle. Our boat was repossed this summer…yet, another stupid decision we made. His defense for all of this is that I have a control issue. But in my defense, I beleive life sucks bad enough without adding to it on your own.
I strongly beleive that you choose to be happy or unhappy and that once you get married you stay married for good or bad. He did what he did and now he wants to try to blame me for why he did it, for the kids not respecting him any more and not wanting to be with him at all. But I do know that is what I did. It was like I went through all the same cycles of grief as if I lost a loved one. I jsut hope I can find someone that will love me for who I am and treat me good.
I am scared of being all alone and not having anyone to share my life with. My husband has admitted to an EA with a family friend. He no longer has contact i think and wants me to forget this happened. He answers my questions, is transparent and says he wants to stay married and everything will be back to the same in no time. My problem is he has never accepted respoinsibility and he doesnt feel remorse or guilt about the EA. He claims it was all my fault and if i had been a berrter person, wife, etc… it would not have happened.
I have tried to explain to him that if he feels no remorse or guilt or responsibility , whats to say he wont do it again. Also, he feels bad for the OW for the sadness he has caused her and he feels guilty for leading her on. Am I wrong to think we have a chance if he doesnt even feel bad a little?
Cindy, I read something yesterday that I hope might be helpful to you. It was an article about why men cheat, and I thought this was particularly insightful. My guess is that since he is denying all responsibility for his behavior and still feels bad for the OW, then he is not entirely out of the affair fog yet.
My husband has prob texted back and forth with this woman times in 6 month peorid but each text would have part work related then part other cute flirty convos in it. I have been trying to talk with him for 4 months about all this.
He lied about the drawings I found 3 times saying some other man in the office did them. Finally he admitted to doing them. He says he wants to be with me over and over and that he wants to make me happy but I continue to tell him that if he just told the truth me the truth and details-I could start to move on.
I just want to understand why-and if I was lacking something or my treatment of him was lacking something-So I can make myself and our relationship better. We fight times a week about it. I texted the OW and she denied everything.
Either way-I just want to know everything so we can move on. Our last fight-he told me I cannot ever talk about this ever again 2 days so far and counting! I feel like an addict! I am actually working on a post about mid-life crisis today. I hope to have it done for tomorrow. Perhaps the needs are basically the same as they always were, but life just happens and each parties in a marriage often lose sight of them.
I was thinking on a biological level. After that we have done what we were created to do so perhaps instinct drives us to want a mate who will look after us, be it with affection or attention. Are we made to be monogamous for our whole adult life? I have included Linda in this reply because I have experienced her side of this issue.
I am not really sure what I am doing here this site or why I am writting. I have reasearched the issue of emoitional affairs and still do not know what to do.
My wife and I have had a troubled marraige for quite some time now 10 out of 12 years and it has culminated in the possibilty of divorce and her confessing to an emotional affair although she does not refer to it as that. She has been telling me for years that she has been unhappy and felt that I did not love her, but I continued to ignore her pleas.
I can barely explain why I ignored them other than I was not sure how much I loved her. Now that the very real and imminent possibilty of living my live without her exists, I searched my soul an figured out that I do love her very much and want her in my life. But, the damage has been done the affair. Through the pain, and fights and counseling we have decided to try and not only make our marriage work, but to imporove the quality and intimacy of it.
She has made it clear that if things do not improve, then she is gone. Much of this needs to come from me since I addmitadly have been the one who has been holding back. I am trying to make sense of it. But it is in my mind and difficult to deal with. She did tell me about it, but made it sound like it was more of her obessing about idea than it was mutual. She did say, however, that she liked it and did not want to stop.
I am just not sure of the extent. We still have difficulty discussing sensitive matters and I do not want to keep throwing this in her face. We had to stop counseling for time being because we left each session in a fight. With all this, things have started to slowly improve and I can feel her drawing back to me.
I have realized and can feel the deep love I have for her and have made real pogress in showing that to her. She has told me that it feels good to her and she wants it to continue.
I have read that one method to get the unfaithful spouse to stop the affair is to remove the reasons that they desire to have one — provided that the reason is known.
Regardless, that is what I am followingthat advice. Not just because its a possible solution, but beacause I truly love her and I want her to feel it. Still, the pain is there and know it will have to be delt with eventually. It was someone I lived with whom I had been in a relationship with for a few years. I had all of the suspicions and no evidence.
In the end I left because it was a destructive relationship. Of course then afterwards things came out. For him its about sex I think and wanting to always be told how great he is.
I know exactly how it feels to be the betrayed one. I think that feeling is why I feel so bad towards his W. How I have changed! In my situation I have no intention of stealing away the other party and I never ever ever want his or my partner to know. It upsets me to think about how she would feel- makes me feel sick to the core. My own partner would maybe hurt me physically and that scares me. So why do we go on? I want to support him without my own agenda- and he is supportive of me too.
Either of us would support ending this should the other one make that decision. The thing is neither of us want to. Having someone to support you in what you want to do feels good. I suspect this is how the other party feels too, hence we carry on. It has been 15 months since my husband found out about my indescreation,It has been hard work for me to make him fall inlove with me again. I am lucky that he gave so much effort to reconciling our 23 marraige. I will continue on a daily basis to be the type of wife he needs andnever want to disappoint him again or hurt him.
I also did the 40 day love dare last year July and i still try to remember what i learnt on a daily basis whilst doing it. My husband love the person i have become and coomunication is better than ever before,which we should have had previously. Thats wonderful Noles- sounds like you both want to try. Its good to hear something positive has come out of your situation. If you know how it feels to be the betrayed one, and you know the feeling of not being able to trust and having the rug pulled out from underneath you.
Why do you continue? Temptation is a battle we all face, even your spouse who does not know. You have a choice. Be honest with your spouse. You need to end it, and tell your spouse what was going on. He will respect you for it. You are human and you are going to make mistakes and they can be forgiven, so I am not here to judge, but I think it is time to distinguish between right and wrong.
My spouse knows about my loneliness in our relationship. He will never forgive me he would make my life hell either together or apart. It would be about punishing me at any cost. Easier said than done. But I am here to try to get to a place where I know what to do. My spouse thought I would never forgive him either. He thought that I would up and leave him with the short end of the stick.
He may surprise you, I know I did my Husband. Thank you so much. I am so proud of myself and the person i have become. My husband is also told me that he is proud of me and that i made such an effort to make him fall in love with me all over again.
It feels like we have just met and i have not been this happy for a very long time. I want to be an example to others i hope. But for that i need to keep up with the person i am now. Hello Doug and Linda Firstly, thank you from the bottom of my heart for this site.
This site has made me feel like I have friends far away who understand what I am going through. It helps a lot to know I am not alone and that some of the things I feel are perfectly natural under the circumstances.
My husband had the affair two years ago and never told me. He had gone to her to get advise about our marriage problems. In particular my depression. He actually ended up embroiled in an affair. Only now when we have talked has he seen it for what it was. The lies, deceit, broken trust. He says he ended it by committing to me and my son in his mind. He is horrified at what he has done. It would have been a time bomb waiting to go off. Also I feel, by not telling me about the affair, it makes the chance of it happening again more likely.
If I had never found out he would have never have know what devastation and distraction these things leave in their paths. I am broken, but trying my best to understand and be objective, but these stupid little things known as emotions keep getting in the way. I am so tired it physically hurts and feel like I am floating through a limbo land most of the time. I want to just run away. But I know that life really throws some shit.
First I would like to thank you for sharing your story and the road to recovering. I wanted to give a little back ground on my situation. My H and I have been married for 6 years.
We have 3 children together. Last year, my H has been in contact via Facebook and phone with an old aquaintance from school. The communication, which was mostly sexual from what I saw,only lasted a few days before I found out and I made him cut all contact.
I even called her and talked to her about the situation and told her that all contact would cease. About a month ago, my H got back in contact with her. This contact only last a few days again. This time the conversation that I was able to see involved talk of my H divorcing me.
Of course this was devestating. When I have talked to my H about why he does this and says the things he says he is not sure why. He is very wishy-washy and I am not sure how to even proceed. He has said that he is seeking freedom and when I ask freedom from what he is seeking and he says it is to be able to do what he wants and he says that financially that is not possible for our family. He has also expressed repeatedly his desire to stay with our family but I am not sure if that is what he really wants.
Our communication is getting better but we still have a long way to go. In my opinion I believe alot of our problems stem from the PTSD and I know that he will have to work with his therapist to resolve some of those issues. I am currently seeking help myself both to better understand the PTSD as well as working on what I can do to help with my marriage. I might also add that our family is planning a move in a year or so to FL to be closer to my H family.
So I think the biggest problem that I have with all of this is the lies but also the move is concerning to me of course especially since the OW is in the same area we will be moving to. I initially told him I would not be going to FL as of yet but I have been thinking that if I want to work out things with my H that it would be better if we are together to do that.
I would love to hear from anyone who might be dealing with the PTSD in conjunction with an emotional or even a sexual affair. I also would like some opinions on forgiving and trust. I know everyone and situation is different but how soon is too soon to forgive and to trust again? I just want to be able to move on though I know it will be difficult. My advice would be to separate yourself from him while he works on his PTSD challenges and such.
First and foremost, you MUST take care of you and your children. It continued for about a year with sexual intimacy, but per my husband, no intercourse. Before this he had several emotional affairs, the one affecting our marriage the most being an old college girlfriend. He had continuously placed the old girlfriend before me, and would lie and hide his calling her times a day for most of our marriage. After the sexual affair and therapy. We had an agreement that if she contacted him, he would be honest and above board and tell me, then we would decide how to handle it from there.
It was also established that if he ever hid communication or lied about communication with other women that would be grounds for me leaving and the marriage ending.
We set these boundaries with the help of our therapist. I just found out that this summer my husband received an email from his old girlfriend informing him of the death of a close friends Father.
My husband proceeded to email her back several times and then talking with her on the phone. I found out by chance, as he was not forth right with the information and proceeded to lie to me. So I left and am contemplating what to do next. Hire a good divorce attorney? That is, unless you insanely enjoy being married to someone who is apparently very consistently and conciously unfaithful to you, especially after you guys set up some very specific boundaries for your marital relationship.
The next day he was quite upset and said that his bosses had been talking him round and making him see that he was a lot more valued than he realised etc etc. A couple of years ago, he was having an emotional affair with a woman on the other side of the world, which I found out about and we nearly split up over it. Should I bring it up with him? Part of me is tempted not to say anything yet and see if anything else comes up…although that will mean more snooping.
He tells me he loves me several times a day. If you and your guy are not close and comfortable enough right now to talk about the things that are bothering you or that you are wondering about, you should think very carefully about whether it is time for you to get married. For a person who is acting within agreed upon relationship boundaries, there is not going to be anything on the phone that is damning although texts like the one you describe can be difficult to interpret out of context so that is a danger you face when you look at things like that.
I am sitting here when I should be at work. Mostly, I just wonder around the house. He went to Chicago on a business trip for 4 days. I got a weird feeling. Woman should always listen to their gut feeling. Texting me friday at work to say we needed a heart to heart. Got home friday to hear he had met someone through which was professional and could make good contacts.
About 5 minutes into the conversation, I found out they had dinner the first night. Then she texted him the next day so they had drinks that night. Then he came back. As the conversation went on he had discussed his first marriage and our relationship with her and she had lots of good advise. A note here she had been engaged 3 times and but never followed through. Oh, and he was attracted her. I thought I had been sucker punched.
I never ever thought he would do this. He apologized for hurting me. On Saturday, I said he has to terminate texts, calls etc with her. He said he would. Yesterday, I said I wanted to be cc on the message. So, I said ok then I want to be included on the texts. He said I was too angry to have her address and we should just concentrate on the positive and work on our relationship. Did nothing wrong eh? PS she also has been texting him since he returned home and him her.
He said he ended it today. I stumbled on this site by accident, and I couldnt stop reading. I very recently found out my wife of 2 years has been having a one month long distance emotional affair via facebok. Our relationship has not been good for about a year now we have been together 5 , I have been stressed and not pleasent to be around.
I feel like this was the reason she found comfort in another man. Virtually every moment she was not with me she was talking to him, their messages get very detailed on how their going to get married, have kids, sexual incounters, etc. She has only known this guy for a month.
I dont understand what has happened, why she could do this to me. We have spent alot of time talking about the affair, she has been very open and honest about it. They no longer talk, they have cut off all ties. I originally was going to end the marriage, I contacted a lawyer, and was prepared for the end. I have agreed, I setup a counseling session and we have confronted issues with ourselves that we have kept inside for so long.
We are getting along better now than ever before not what I expected. However, I still feel myself having questions and doubts, sometimes I think shes lying, or I start to think about their messages to eachother and I slip into a state of anger, fear, betrayel, etc. Am I a fool for taking her back? Am I setting myself up for another affair in the future?
KH, Sorry you are going through this horrible time. I just wanted to comment on one thing you said in your post. Cheaters are selfish like that….. I would suspect if you polled those involved past or present in an affair, they would all say something similar….
If he does cut off all contact with her, can that be enough for me and our relationship to recover? He has told me he is sorry for the pain he has caused me, but he is still very defensive overall and tells me that my coldness towards him encouraged him to interact with the OW, which I feel is not much different from blaming me for the affair, and that really hurts. Can I take what little he is willing to acknowledge and make something out of it that is good enough for me and our relationship to recover?
If cutting off all contact with the OW is as good as it gets, is it possible that it is good enough? Certainly cutting off all contact is a requirement for you to recover and that is a good start. At some point he needs to take responsibility for his actions and the pain it has caused you. Do not take the blame for his affair.
Only you will know if taking what he is giving and making something good out of it is enough for you to recover and heal. I have a horrible story to tell, and I am sure that not many people have had to deal with this in particular. I have been married to my H. We have had problems for the past year and I admit that I took him for granted and was unloving at times. She was 3 when H and I met. She ended up moving out at 16 and having a baby and lived with her BF in another state.
Since then she is single and lived with my Mom. We sort of lost touch with her for several years. This past August she came to live with us. H and I were drifting apart and they became very close. So close that an affair ensued and he says he fell in love with her…… I knew something was up but had to have proof. The morning I found out I had checked her phone and text messages and discovered that they were an item.
It started simply enough with good intentions and according to both of them she pursued him. He works away and thought it would be a good idea to take her on and train her in his field.
He had what I believe were good intentions. We all supported his idea and took care of my GD, while they worked. Since I have found out we have been on a roller coaster of tears and anger mine. He wants to come back but he still loves her. He knows how bad he screwed up but does not want to hurt either of us…. He took me and our Daughter away for the weekend and on the way home a shift in his attitude took place.
He started pushing me away and hung out with her my oldest D I flipped when he said that she was coming with him to work for 10 days and that he wanted to prove to me that they could just work together and nothing more.
Also a side note my D does not really want to end it, but while they were away she did. He ended up getting an apartment because it made sense for his job. I lost it while he has been gone, I was close to having a nervous breakdown.
Now he seems down and very depressed. I have decided to take a step back and let him stay in his apartment for a while. I know he loves me and is consumed with guilt and confusion. He told me that my D will not be coming with him again.
After the Holidays I am going to ask for a separation. This must sound crazy, but my H was always an upstanding guy and a wonderful Father and Husband. He said that all of his anxiety went away when he got close to her.
I think deep down he wants to make it work but does not know where to start and how to get out of the situation. First, I have to say that it broke my heart to read your story. How could the two of you possibly coexist in the same home right now. He needs some in depth work to find out why he would ever turn to your daughter, knowing the devastation this would ultimately cause. He is not well! You truly need some space to work through this for yourself. At this point, you are in the drivers seat and can make any choice you want.
He needs to be alone with himself and feel the full effects of his ridiculous choices. Just found this site, wow! This would have been a great help to me 5 years ago when my 21 year marriage was ending. Five years on the other side of it all I just wanted to post that it does get better, life does go on, and not all marriages are worth fighting for.
I will share my story. My husband and I had two teenagers, had been together since our freshman year in college, and lived a normal, average life. I was an Energizer Bunny and filled the air with constant activity and chatter. I never really thought about how that must feel from his perspective, and in my mind I thought the fact that we seldom argued meant that we were happy.
They all said no so I deleted the message as a wrong number without a second thought. So one day I just asked him what the heck was going on, we were in the car on the way back from Lowes. Without even a second glance back, he left.
He packed a bag and drove to her house, moved in with her and her children. I filed to divorce the very next day, found out on Sunday, filed on Monday. My divorce was final 2 months later.
He married the OW almost 6 months to the day after our divorce was final. From my perspective, the second he chose the OW, my heart just closed off to him. The point of no return. I really admire all of you who have the energy and strength to fight for you marriage, but to me it did not appear to be an option. Our 13 year old took it the hardest, and within six months was diagnosed with both depression and anorexia.
The only thing he felt he had any control over was what he ate, and I think he felt that someone he could use it to punish his dad. But, the nicest man on earth blew off his own flesh and blood kids, and did not have any interaction with them until his 10 month marriage to the OW began to implode. I was just so over it. My friends and family waited with baited breath for the day I would finally implode or fall to pieces, but that day never came.
I am absolutely devoid of emotion when it comes to him. Instead, I went to work on my own life. My daughter and I shuttled my son back and forth to all of his doctor and therapy appointments, and a year and a half later he was released from all treatment. To this day my ex-husband has never once acknowledged how ill my son was, or that he had to spend a month in an in-hospital anorexia treatment facility when he was a freshman in high school. I went on to grad school, and my kids graduated and both went on to college.
And here we are, on the other side of it, and both of my kids are healthy and happy and I am content with my life. While my husband has remarried and divorced, and been through 2 additional relationships, I have been in college. I complete my MBA this spring.
Our journey as a family and my journey personally has been a gift. I never would have left my husband had it not been for his affair, or rediscovered who I was as a person separate from my roles as wife and mother, or dared to envision a new life for myself. I still claim that my 21 years of marriage were happy ones for me, I cannot speak for him. But, I also firmly believe that when one door closes another opens.
The issue is the excitement and thrill of it. In my case, OW was 10 years younger than me but not very attractive, was herself married to husband 3 at the time of the affair, and had miscellaneous children from various relationships.
She was just looking for better prospects for husband 4. No one is perfect, and commitment to each other is key. I just think sometimes Plan B may be the best option, and I wanted some of you to know that. Your words came at a low point in my battle over the EA. I really appreciate it. Congrats to you for pulling it all together! One question though…How is the relationship between your kids and their father? I thoroughly understand the emotional disconnect. It was and is liberating.
It takes the pressure off of being what one thinks they ought to be for the other person and go back to being who they are. I guess what I was trying to say is that prior to the affair discovery, it never occurred to me that my husband and I would get divorced. The telling part about that is that from the day my husband left, he ceased to parent in any sense of the word.
The kids have said that their dad feels like a family member, like the kind who shows up on holidays with gifts, but not a father. The way it all played out for me though did not feel as if I had any options, they had obviously planned the big escape, and there was an unquestionable finality to it all from day one. I went through the stages: Anyway, my main motive for posting is that I just wanted to chime in that throwing in the towel and walking away does not always equate with failure.
So often the betrayed spouse is left to feel like they have to do all of the work to fix things, that they are to blame, and that it is up to them alone to save the marriage.
This thought processes messes up the equality that must exist in a healthy happy relationship, and elevates the spouse who strayed to the position of the grand prize. I feel we can all learn from your story whether we choose to stay in our marriage or leave.
What inspired me was the manner in which you chose to deal with this terrible situation and I hope that everyone can learn from your actions. They never think about what they want and need to have a healthy life.
I hope that anyone who has just started this journey will have the power to tell their spouses what they need from them to heal from their affairs. I hope they will have the strength to be completely honest and if the cheater can not give them what they need they will have the confidence to make a better life for themselves. Thank you for your story. My youngest brother, particularly, went off the rails a little in his teen years, with dabbling in drugs getting out of hand, minor but devastating to my mother trouble with the law, etc.
He was breathing the HUGEST sigh of relief, elated that although he had done a mad, mad thing, he had realised how stupid it was, managed, with great difficulty, to detach her claws from him she was blackmailing him and smoothly slid into a better relationship with me, where I was much happier, much healthier, and life was great again. Until she HAD to text me and tell me all about it. Hello all I am new to this site.
I discoveredd that my husband of almost 20 years has been having an EA for a year that ultimately turned sexual. I hope you all can help me find my way through this pain and anger. Right now I feel lost. Second, go to Amazon. Third, take care of YOU!! By this I mean do what makes YOU happy…spend time with your children, work out at the gym or take long walks, just concentrate on what YOU need to make yourself feel better!
Is your H still in contact with the OW? If so, that has to STOP!! Anyway, please start reading this blog…it will help you a lot! You made me do it! No accountability, which is probably not something new with this person. Just want this to go away and move on! Again, acting as a small child dodging responsibility. Hmmm, if the shoe was on the other foot and they were the BS, waht might they expect and need. You mentioned this was a specialist, where did she get her education from?????
Cheated upon feeling cheated, First of all you need to remind your husband that the time he used in his infidelity was time that he took away from you and your children. It also could have been used in being a good mate to you. Even helping out some older person in something that was difficult for them mowing grass, shoveling snow. Anything would have shown the best of him, sadly he brought out the worst of himself.
Cheated upon feeling cheated, With all I mentioned, please stay strong, do not let his bad choices wear and tear at you, remember he is the one in the wrong, this is his sin, and it belongs to him. Carry your head high, and if he tries to shift the blame, remind him that he had others choices, that having an affair was his choice and he gets to own it.
He broke his marriage vows to you, and now the time that should be spent in family growth, now has a burden placed on it. Cheated upon feeling cheated, I wish the very best to you in your journey, I found myself where you are a few years ago. My exhusband and I ended up divorcing and I just finished doing my part for a petition to get my marriage annuled in my church.
I learned alot in this journey. You can only control your actions, and not that of someone else. Forgiveness is a must if you stay or go. When I was writing on my part for the annulement, things become more clear to me, and brought total forgiveness on my part.
But no matter what happens, you are a strong woman, and this journey will strenghten you even more. I wish you the best! Thanks all for your words of support. IDK her professional credentials but she has works for an organization that helps abused children in FL. Maybe one she appears before? It makes me sick. HE made the choice, and HE ruined what we had. The big question is — where do I go from here? Anita, R U ready for this?
The counselor has asked him privately on more than 1 occasion if something else was going on, even asked him straight out if he was having an affair, and he said no! Cheated upon and feeling cheated, I wish the very best to you. I found my faith and prayer to be very helpful. Even when things do not make sense, at this time, it will help you stay strong.
I am in the midst of my own annulement, I just recieved a letter back, and I need to do a couple more things, this has been a positive experience for me, it takes the blame out and replaces it with the facts, very healing.
Thank you for the insights, knowledge and experiences. We agreed it would be best to stay friends but he kept inferring he wanted to have sex with me. I asked for space so I could get my head together but he contacted me one week later asking how I was doing. I told him not so great but that space was still what I needed. Like did he use me to lift his self-esteem etc.
But some days are hard and I was hoping there was someone out there in a similar situation as mine? How do you work through things? I am considering counselling so I have someone to bounce my thoughts and feelings off. Cheated upon feeling cheated, I had to be somewhere last night but it gave me a chance to think about your situtation. It reminded me of my own situtation a few years before. Its very difficult to work on a marriage when an affair is still on going, his affair has to end before any healing can take place in the marriage.
Is he even remorseful at this point? How about you do you still want him? Is this something you can get past and forgive him for? In my own circumtance I learned why? This was the underlying reason for the breakup of our marriage, part of him wanted to be married and the other part of him wanted to be single again.
This caused repeated infidelity on his part. There was nothing I could do for him, this was something he had to deal with, he chose to divorce. So that was the end for us. It took time for me to heal and understand, when my own children reached the age that my ex and I were when we married, I realized just how young we were. My ex did meet someone later after our civil divorce and he remarried.
We are friends now and are very civil to each other. But as you can see its not about the other woman, she was just ignornant, and had her own issuses. Each marriage is different and each affair is different. I hope this helps. However at that time I thought it was an excuse and a cop out. Writing about our courtship for my annulment brought this harsh reality out. Being older and more mature I could see our courtship turned into parenthood and not about us as a couple, had our courtship been allowed to play itself out, I doubt we would have married.
However if we did, at least we would have been more mature and ready for it. This where I was able to give total forgiveness, and I could see I also had a part in the demise of our marriage, it was very healing. Trying to figure things out, It may be helpful for you to read my above post. Were you ready for marriage, by that I mean did you understand that you gave up the right to any other relationship, and you were committing to stay in faithful to your husband. There will always be temptation out there, but its how you handle it, you need to run from it, otherwise you end up in the situation your now in.
You have to do your part, its a choice. If you want your marriage to work, this other guy has to go, no ifs ands or buts. You also have control over your thoughts, you need to stop the thoughts of this other man, and focus back on your own husband. Its up to you, how much does your marriage mean to you? Trying to figure it out, I am going to play the old mother hen here, so bare with me.
Second of all the play fighting needs to stop, if your going to playfight do it with your own husband. You need to put back all this energy into your own marriage. Yes this other man was using you, and not in a good way, asking you to sleep with him while your married woman should tell you what kind of person he is.
Also is this other man married, I sure hope not, poor wife and your poor husband. Also if he is married why would you do that to his wife? Hard questions but again were you mature enough to be married?
Trying to figure it out, Having sex with this other man will not solve your porblems, it will however add more problems then you ever wanted. Put the shoe on the other foot, if your husband was doing what your doing, how happy would you be?
Not so happy, its a betrayel. Exercise good judgement and good choices its much more rewarding. Trying to figure it out, In your very last sentence, you have figured it out, you already know this is hurtful to your husband, also yes it could end your marriage. Also you know way down deep inside your past behavior was wrong.
However by starting now to make better choices you can save your marriage. This other man has to go, no more contact, end it now! Yes counseling will help and do it soon, they will help you move past this affair.
Remember the other guy has to go! Trying to figure this out, The sooner you end this, the better off you will be, just imagine how you will feel if you get found out, family members from both sides knowing your behavior, is this other man worth that? I am not in contact with the OM at the moment because I needed to be away from him to sort my mess out. Self control is easy when you have the skills, I had been faithful to my H until one month ago when my friendship turned into more with the OM.
No excuses of course. This may be lack of maturity, it may be lack of awareness, but I am being blatantly honest…. Trying to figure it all out…… Hello and welcome to this site! Sorry you are on this site, though, because being on this site means you are struggling with the aftermath of an EA or PA.
Regardless of whether you are the BS or the CS, the aftermath of an affair is difficult. Healing and recovery is a journey…. Most of the people that post are the BS…. Like you, I am was the cheater.
I too came to this site to heal…. Trying to understand yourself is tough…let me tell you!! Never ever considered it before and I had opportunites to cheat …. I did and said things that were so uncharacteristic of my true self. So when you say you are trying to process why you did it….. You are not alone out there! If you think counseling with help, then I recommend it. I debated it too, but ended up not going. You do what you feel is best for you! I wish you the best on strengthing your marriage.
I am fearful of his reaction if I told him my true feelings about our marriage. And like you, my H does not know about my EA. It would crush him. How long were you involved in the EA and how long have you had no contact? Good luck to you!! Trying to figure it out, Marriage counceling for both you and your husband would be helpful, they can help you sort through your feelings. You need to settle whats in this relationship before jumping into another one. If you suffer from low self esteem, that is something only you can build, by knowing your own value and worth.
When you see how valuable you are you begin to make choices that complement that. This other man belongs to another woman, and you have to except that. Also its important for you to learn boundaries. If you stay in the boundaries that God gives you will find true happiness. Trying to figure it out, Of course you have self control, you just need to start doing onto others as you would have done on to you. If you need to build your self control start by giving to others, you be amazed how much your self centerness goes away.
Start seeing how others would feel, its not all about you. Wish you the best on this journey! Keep blogging in here it will bring new growth, to you. Dear Anita — you are right of course, being found out would destroy way to many lives, not to mention my sanity. I agree that I need to end it NOW, oh thank you so much for your encouragement. Yes, it is the right thing to do. It is both of our faults that it got this far, I am taking as much responsibility for this madness as he should.
But it seems clear to me that I am the one that is going to have to sever the ties. Why is it that it is the woman that finds the strength to do that? Is it because he believes we can be friends again without the emotional attachment and physical connection?
Any men out there that have had affiars before — can you shed some light here? I am seeing my Doctor this week to get a referral for couselling, I think it will help me alot. Trying to figure it out, Something I learned in my own Christian walk was, when I give to others it feels good inside, and because it feels good I do it over and over, this in return builds my self esteem.
When we release the good in us, God refills that within us. Also praying will help you overcome this situation, God will give you the strenght if you ask him to.
God wants to be involved in every part of your life, he is so forgiving when we go to him. But you have to make the choice to go to him. It takes courage to live a Godly life, but it is so worth it. Its something you will never regret.
Make that choice today and watch your life grow in ways that you thought were never possible. I actually took your advice Anita and text the OM and finished it on the spot, said no more, best of luck etc. Kept it neutral so only me and the OM would understand the content.
Now what do I do?! I now just want this to all go away so I can move forward with my marriage. I got totally lost and foggy in my head over this OM. We have known each other for 3 years, have been friends the whole time until a month ago when it turned physical. What I feel is relief but pain also.
Part of the grieving process I guess, I know that sounds selfish that I should be greiving when I was the badie here, but I would never cheat on my husband unless I really felt a connection to someone like I did with this guy. I just found your blog and need to tell my story. I have been married 21 yrs and have 2 teenagers plus I have a chronic health condition.
My H was devastated. He spent vast amounts of time with his GF godfather and his Godmother during this illness. They live 3 hrs away from our home. He slept on the couch in the sick room and read devotionals and prayed with his GF.
Of his love for his GF I have no question. Plus during this illness there was a lot of alcohol used to numb the pain of watching this illness decimate.
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