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Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. We don't know much about computer hacking here at Cracked, because that stuff involves numbers, but we've come across a whole bunch of different crazy brain and body hacks over the years.
The following pages will help you change reality for yourself and others, stop pain by coughing, and even make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex. Years of gathered wisdom are at your disposal. Consider the tenses past, present, and future. The difference between the sentences "Bob is at the store buying nachos" and "Bob will go to the store to buy nachos" has explicit implications about how far we are from eating nachos. That is need-to-know information.
But it may be surprising that some languages don't have a future tense, or it's not obligatory. In Mandarin, for example, it's fine to say something like "Bob store buy nachos," and nobody will make fun of your caveman speech or slap you in the mouth because you didn't immediately specify the time frame of nacho delivery.
In Mandarin, they always keep spare nachos. One might think that speakers of such languages would just be wandering around confused, utterly unmoored from time as we know it, hurtling obliviously through chronology with no anchors to tether them, screaming into the void as history whips pas-. It turns out that speakers of these tenseless languages actually make far better decisions than tense-language speakers, about virtually everything.
Because they're less tense. For example, a study by Keith Chen of Yale Business School analyzed data from 76 countries, focusing on things like saving money, smoking and exercise habits, and general health.
The surprising result was that cultures in which most people speak languages without a future tense make better health and financial decisions overall. In fact, it found that speaking a tensed language, like English, made people 30 percent less likely to save money. It is thought that speakers of such languages, whom we shall call Untensers, see their lives as less of a timeline and more of a whole.
Therefore they are automatically more mindful of how their decisions will affect their futures than we savage, primitive Tensers. Strangely, it seems that thinking of "the future" as being some far-off place, removed from the realities of our daily lives, makes us more likely to buy that second Xbox just because the first looked lonely.
Untensers consistently accumulate more wealth, hold onto it for longer periods of time, are healthier, and live longer than Tensers, for whom the past is something we've left behind, and the future is like a distant planet where consequences live that we don't fully intend to visit.
Hold music -- the stuff you hear on the line when you call everyone from the bank to your local bail bond agency -- didn't fall into America's phone lines by accident. It's designed specifically to reduce the amount of time you think you're waiting , so that you're less likely to hang up in anger.
Other places that involve waiting, such as doctors' offices, use a similar trick. Time shrinkage is also the aim of most retail stores, which is why you'll rarely enter a mall, supermarket or clothing store without hearing some sort of music in the background. Our coke dealer always has Iggy Pop on at his apartment. To understand why exactly music makes it seem like less time has passed, think of the human brain as a mountain lion that is eating a bag of money.
It doesn't matter what the zookeepers distract it with -- food, shiny objects or just shouting and yelling. All that matters is that they give another zookeeper the chance to sneak up and retrieve the money while the lion is busy deciding which one of them to eat. Similarly, when your brain is steadily distracted, you'll be less likely to notice things around you in detail, and this includes the passage of time.
Our brains have limited input capacity, and when something else is using up that capacity, we're less likely to think things like, "I've been standing in line to get Richard Moll's autograph for three goddamn hours" or "Do I really need this Garfield alarm clock? But it works the opposite way, too. In some situations, listening to music can actually expand perceived time. For example, listening to music while performing tasks that require concentration will usually cause us to overestimate the amount of time that has passed.
The theory is that as your mind switches back and forth between perception of the music and concentration on the challenging tasks, it forms separate "events," or distinct memories.
When your brain thinks about what you've been doing for the past hour, you'll remember more of these events and recall that the hour was quite long. Experiments have found that time also expands when we're listening to familiar music that we dislike.
When we hear the opening chords of a song, our brain remembers the whole thing and immediately skips ahead and plays it mentally. This fake mind-music is extremely vivid, working on exactly the same parts of the brain as actual music does. So the effect is that you take a few moments to vividly imagine that you're sitting through five minutes of that damn New Radicals song before you come back to reality only to realize that you still actually have to sit through it.
You're probably already aware that minor changes to the wording of a survey can alter people's opinions. During the health care debate in , for example, four separate organizations conducted polls to see what percentage of Americans supported a so-called "public option. Calling it a "government administered health insurance plan -- something like the Medicare coverage that people 65 and older get" garnered 66 percent support.
And calling it "a government-run health insurance plan" plummeted support to 44 percent. Calling it "Just what Mussolini would have wanted" reduced the number to 2 percent.
In this study , social psychologists sent out surveys to several hundred registered voters before an election. Half the recipients were asked if it was "important to vote. The researchers suspected that using the word "voter" caused people to identify themselves with the word. Since these people considered themselves to be voters, they were more likely to get out and vote. On the other hand, using the word "vote" implied that the survey was asking the people to perform a task.
Even if they answered "yes" to the question, they felt no association with the word i. One was about a simple action, the other was about being a type of person. You've been manipulated this way all your life, and now it's time to start manipulating back. Don't ask your friend with the truck if he can help move your mattress; ask if he'll participate in a community-supported housing initiative.
Don't ask the cop to let you off for speeding; ask if Officer Gives-a-Shit doesn't want to stimulate the local economy via a highly targeted middle-class tax break. Getting your way is easy when you let your words do the weaseling for you. It's no secret that many people prefer to listen to music when they work out. But music doesn't just make physical activity more pleasant -- it actually makes our physical performance measurably better.
When listening to music, people are able to hold heavy weights for longer than when they're standing in silence. They can also complete sprints in smaller amounts of time and are even able to reduce their oxygen intake. This is why Rocky does all of his training in musical montages.
Similar to the time-perception effect we referenced above, one element is just plain old distraction. Obviously, if your mind is listening to music, it's not thinking about how much your legs hurt or how much longer you've got to run before the treadmill makes that final beeping noise.
But there's much more to it than that. When you match your movements to a steady musical tempo, you spend less time and effort on the inefficient slowing down and speeding up that happens when you're going by your own rhythm. Music also increases the incidence of "flow" states -- states of meditation-like calm in which everything works right for an athlete and that is strongly linked to enhanced performance.
It's all in the music. Music can even make you feel less pain. Patients listening to music after surgery need less sedatives, report less pain and have lower blood pressure. As if that's not impressive enough, doctors have found that specially selected melodic music dramatically reduces stress in patients during unsedated brain surgery. In some cases, music caused patients to relax so much that many of them fell into a deep sleep , while people sliced into their exposed brains with fucking scalpels.
And even if you're lucky enough to be asleep during surgery, there's a good chance the doctors working on you are listening to music, since most surgeons believe it improves their performance , too.
So the next time you're about to go under a general anesthetic, consider the fact that the guy with the scalpel might soon be timing his incisions to Whitesnake. Entire multibillion-dollar industries are built upon the idea that smelling good gets you dates smell can also influence who you're attracted to. But when we say that your sense of smell can make a man more attractive to the ladies, we're not just pointing out that a quick sniff test of one's clothing before heading out is a reliable start on the path of not dying alone.
And we're not talking about those pheromone sprays that promise to make women ignore the crumbs caught in your neckbeard. Because horse souls smell like fucking.
In a recent study conducted by the University of Liverpool , they had some guys spray themselves with Lynx the English version of Axe Body Spray. Then they had women rate the men's attractiveness As in, they were out of smelling range.
The men who sprayed themselves down were still rated as more attractive , even though the women couldn't smell them. According to the scientists running the experiment, the power was inside the men the whole time. The guys given the scented spray figured they smelled good, so their body language displayed more confidence, and the women who watched them responded to that.
Johnny Beardface already knows, baby. So does this mean these dudes were just brainwashed by Lynx's marketing campaign? They actually believed the ads that claim spraying this stuff will have women diving for their junk? Nope -- the can of spray used in the experiment was unmarked, so the men had no idea what kind of deodorant they were covering themselves with. It seems like pretty much anything that doesn't actually smell like mustard gas will do the trick.
It turns out the amazing mind-control powers of smell aren't about making the girl at the bar swoon -- it's about tricking yourself into having a little confidence for once.
I can't help it. Nobody else likes the personal crap you fill your desk with at work. That "inspirational" picture of you and your mom climbing Mount McKinley is trite and forgettable. Oh, and that picture of your girlfriend with the lyrics to "Wonderwall" printed beneath it? Do you even know what that song's about?
Clearly not, because no one does. Having control over one small, utterly inconsequential aspect of our lives improves our productivity by 32 percent. Learning this is a real shot to the nuts for your adolescent sense of rebellion.
Faceless corporations man can cram us into our upholstered prisons like sardines in a can, but we'll still do their bidding as long as they give us a crayon to color the wall with. The unvarnished truth is that our supposedly indomitable spirits man can be domitabled with as little as a roll of double-sided tape, some glitter, a color printer, and five minutes' access to our Facebook photo albums. So you just picked up the night shift at your local McDonald's, you have class every morning at 8 a.
If you are a person who cracks jokes about everybody and everything, beware: But being funny is also important. You are a pretty well listener. If you have this habit, you may not make a good friend.
Nobody likes someone who goes around gossiping about everything. Honesty is the primary element essential for any healthy relationship. Lying can easily break the trust among people and is difficult to glue it back.
People are very vivid with their behaviour, thought processes, aptitude and so on. Also, acknowledge their feelings so that you can create a strong bond and a forever friendship. Log into your account. Are you a comic fan? When everyone on Twitter is trending BestFriendDay, do you instantly know the friend you will tag in a glowing social media post? She will be awed by your eloquent words and laugh because she was going to post the same picture of the two of you?
Maybe, the challenge is partially this transient military life, partially my introverted nature. Also, this season of young motherhood and deep parenting limits my time and energy for others. And some of the silly social media games we play, end up hurting those who we exclude, even if that was not our intention.
I have friends who need my wisdom more right now. I have friends who make me laugh more right now. Some friends are super encouraging cheerleaders! Some friends convict and push me deeper in my walk with Christ. Some are just slugging through the trenches of marriage and motherhood with me.
God has planted several women in my life who are not my one and only best friend, but are the best kind of friends, the ones who will drop everything and pray for me with just a text message. Over the past couple of years I had to examine my friendships, especially those real heart sisters, and ask myself. The number of friends I have that meet all these criteria is tiny, one hand kind of small, but they are my tribe. Women come in and out of our lives for a season.
Or I let small hurts or slights be a barrier instead of seeking unity and peace within the body of Christ. Deep friendships take cultivating to produce fruit, lots of grace and forgiveness, and devotion to Christ first, then the relationship. I thank God for the friends I have, because that small handful of ladies make me a better friend, better woman, and better Christian. I have felt so lonely in this dept over the last few years and I see now that it was my own doing.
I had too many qualifications, was chronically ill and sort of, well selfish. Not wanting to put the time into friendships but expecting them to fall into my lap. I have prayed for the Lord to show me those who feel this way so that I can seek them out. Be the person that asks! I completely get this! I also do not have one best friend, but several very close friends that meet different needs for me and I for them.
I think while have a best friend from childhood and up may be the case for some people, it never was for me. I had a hard time connecting with people for long periods of time, I still do. My handful of friends is perfect for me though and I hope that I am as good a friend to them as they are for me! Amen to everything you said. What a timely article, too! May God continue to bless us with enriching friendships that flourish and bless each other.
I always like to say that friends come in different flavors: Those kinds of things! This is so true, God does have some people enter our lives for just a small season, a few weeks or months or a lifetime. I am a military brat so for most of my childhood and adolescenct years my friends were my family. Over the years, I have about three of those relationships that I value like sisters still today. I also have some wonderful blood relatives, my mom, sister, aunts, nieces, and some of my cousins.
I have an amazing church family and that extends outside of the walls where I worship. Social media has helped me reconnect with alot of old friends, some are closer now than when we saw each other everyday. Being friends is hard at times. Everyone has unique and daily challenges. We are all living busy lives. Women have so much to accomplish each day. I have been blessed with some amazing friends at different times in my life.
I am thankful for the inner circle of friends that I can live life with. Sometimes I give uncondiotional love in friendship, and sometimes I am given the same or more. I thank God for each day for the few womem that are constant in my life, even if thst might just be a hug, smile, or a how are you when they really want a truthful answer. I am so grateful for the friendships God has allowed to grow, some as strong and old as an oaktree and some a fresh as the sunrise.
Having friends is a great gift. I really love this! I have struggled with many girlfriends and never feel I really connect with many, but I love how you take it back to ourselves. How we need to make sure we are being the kind of woman others want to befriend first and foremost! However, I never felt the need for friends because I have two sisters who I am best friends with.
We talk on the phone every day and they mean the world to me. It is a blessing to know that I can share everything with them.
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