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You must completely inhabit your body and be in the moment. If not now, when? Holding back, fixating on performance, or letting your mind drift is the end of passion. What is true sexual energy? I define it as proudly claiming your erotic self and mindfully channeling sexual energy.
You never use it to hurt, manipulate, make conquests, or get addicted to the ego trip of sensual pleasure at the expense of others. This is bad karma. Nor do you allow others to harm or disrespect you. You also make electric linkages to your body, to spirit, to a lover, to the universe. Too many of us in this heady, frantic world lack the rich experience of having a primal connection with someone.
Sexual energy can offer us this, a satisfaction you can never get from your intellect alone. Be happy with every bit of progress. Here are some general tips to keep in mind to improve your sexual energy.
When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is meditate. I want to connect to myself, to every ounce of spiritual energy, heart energy, and erotic energy in me. Meditating in this way fortifies me and lets me be fully present. Being in touch with my sexual self is part of being present, along with being analytical or being kind or listening to the angels sing.
Sexual power is not compartmentalized away from the rest of you. So, to begin the day, I offer thanks for every aspect of me, then proceed into the great unknown of the hours ahead. Free Enlightened Living Course: How can you ignite sexuality and have more intense orgasms? What makes a good lover? What are the common killers of passion?
Do you fear intimacy or do you fake orgasms? What is the difference between healthy bonding and overly attaching to a partner? Are you a sex addict? Do you lose your center around sexual energy or obsess about lovers?
Do you resist pleasure? Surrendering becomes easier when you trust your partner. There are no limits to where ecstasy can take you as your sexual energy allows you to deeply connect to yourself and a partner. Nature has cleverly wired us to be rewarded with erotic excitement when we perpetuate the species.
The bliss of orgasm is the catnip that motivates us to reproduce. Our choice of a partner is strongly influenced by our biological programming. Research has shown that both men and women are attracted to healthy, fertile mates with good genes. What physical signs indicate this? Science has identified several: Interestingly, when women ovulate, they produce copulins, a scent that attracts men causing their testosterone to rise.
Our drive to procreate trumps most other human instincts. The power of this primal consciousness commands respect and awe. This makes the difference between pure physical sex and lovemaking. Emotional intimacy comes from affection, from sharing feelings, from being vulnerable. As friends and lovers, you are fundamentally there for each other which creates trust. You see each other as real people, the good and the bad, not some idealized version.
Bring your fears and insecurities to a partner in an undefended way. When you share all parts of yourself, even your secrets, you can truly surrender.
In the short run it may seem like less trouble to avoid conflict but your erotic life pays a price. When you habitually hide your feelings, you waste time and opportunities for closeness.
If you stay open, however, your emotional love will enhance your sensual love. When they get close to a partner they start feeling overwhelmed and turn off. Surrendering to love feels terrifying to him. Such people have never learned that communication can safely bring you closer to someone than even a sexual energy exchange.
Thus, so as not to stir up the beast, they must keep a safe distance from true intimacy which casual uncommitted sex allows. Take my patient Roxie who came from an abusive home and grew up a hard-boiled Hollywood street punk. Strong and determined, she made a new life for herself and built a successful sexy lingerie company. At thirty-five, Roxie was an engaging mix of street-smart, hip, and funny. We keep it fun and light. Getting heavy ruins things.
If people are happy with their lives, God bless them. Still, we had to tread gently. Long ago, I learned to work with where a patient is at, then go from there. It was too threatening. So, first, to ease her loneliness, I encouraged her to explore other forms of intimacy, such as friendships and getting a puppy—animals are master teachers of unconditional love.
Then she could work her way toward intimacy with a lover. Roxie found that adoring her shih tzu came more easily than sharing authentic emotions with humans. Now, a year later, Roxie is testing out her new emotional skills with a caring, slightly uptight college English professor—her complete opposite, which lends the perfect balance.
She loosens him up; he centers her. Roxie has started to heal the wounds that stopped her from surrendering to a partner. Intimacy involves surrender, a desire to let go of fear. You and your partner will bravely explore the inner space of emotions together. Sharing emotions—not excessively, but as they naturally come up—is part of the flow. Lovemaking is about generosity and giving pleasure to each other. In all these ways, emotional intimacy only makes sex better and is a balm that sustains couples.
If you desire more intimacy but resist it, I suggest journaling about your fears. Are you afraid of being hurt?
Do you have painful memories of failed intimacies with parents, friends, or others as you grew up? Often abused children associate love and sex with pain and choose partners who will inflict pain. Our upbringing can shape us. Nevertheless, being aware of your early conditioning will let you compassionately identify areas where you hold back from trust now. If you have a history of abuse, you can heal past and current relationship patterns with therapeutic help. Sometimes issues are too big to resolve alone.
When you feel ready, you can use these steps to free yourself. For instance, experiment with pushing your limits with intimacy, not just a sexual energy exchange. Then address any anxiety that arises to prevent you from surrendering. Or you can get used to sharing love with animals: Embracing intimacy is a gentle process of desensitizing fear and getting rewarded by loving.
As you gain more comfort and confidence, you can go on to a romantic partner. It also involves tapping a higher power. Nothing about being human is ever just physical despite what our minds or genitals tell us. Sexuality and spirit are intimately related. When you surrender sexually, you enter an open intuitive state, permitting the force of creation to flow through you, similar to how artists are moved. As a result, you may literally create a new infant life or you may be rebirthed yourself.
During sex, ordinary boundaries fall away and your consciousness is altered. You encounter the bliss of the transcendent. You can intuitively sense things about each other. When you surrender, you are a conduit. With age, spirituality and subtle energy keep sexual power alive.
Passion of the body is kindled by the passion of heaven. Knowing this is the beginning of knowing bliss. Smell, voice, touch, and kissing style all figure in.
Caressing them activates pleasure centers in the brain. Your body shifts gears. Your heart rate increases. Blood rushes to your genitals, making them swell. At climax men, and some women, ejaculate. You experience waves of pleasure, stress evaporates, and a warm glow permeates your body. Your biology wants you to relax into a blissful surrender through the sexual energy between two people. Emotions play a different role in orgasm for men and women. I am reluctant to stereotype genders, but for women emotional intimacy and trust are often more necessary in order to feel safe enough to let go—though of course physical attraction is essential too.
Orgasms are easier when we feel treasured. If we feel criticized, unappreciated, or rushed it can be difficult, if not impossible, to surrender during sex. In contrast, men are more biologically wired to prioritize orgasm over an emotional connection or even trust. Physical attraction may be all that it takes to climax. Nevertheless, there are also many loving, sexy men who are emotionally sensitive, responsive, and in no hurry at all.
Foreplay is an opportunity for couples to arouse and nurture each other though women seem to crave it more. The average man can have an orgasm within a few minutes or less. Women may need up to twenty minutes of foreplay. Ideally, of course, neither partner hears a clock ticking. Many couples I treat are in paradise letting sexual energy tension mount before intercourse without any sense of time. Foreplay lets them feel close, explore, play, prolong the ecstatic pangs of arousal. I liken foreplay to tuning a musical instrument.
Then foreplay never just feels like work. During foreplay it needs to be manually or orally stimulated unless the angle of your bodies happens to be just right, which is less likely.
Couples must know this so they can mutually pleasure each other. Then they can plan erotic interludes to leisurely enjoy each other during a sexual energy exchange and the pleasures their bodies have to offer. Set aside uninterrupted time to playfully experiment. Begin to relax by breathing deep and slow. We habitually breathe shallowly to temper sexual and other feelings. I want you to sense, not think, to be fully in your body. Exploring each other is never just a one-time event.
Experiment with what gives you both goose bumps, tingles, or surges of warmth. Notice how your body feels, all of it. This lets you experience more pleasure and intimacy. From an intuitive perspective , your orgasm is never just your own during lovemaking. Sexual energy gets transmitted to your partner, affecting his or her well-being. Your energy fields overlap, conveying both joy and despair even during brief hookups. From that perspective, there is no such thing as casual sex.
I want you to be. During orgasm ordinary boundaries blur. In the best of situations, orgasm is an exchange of energy that blesses both partners. Tantra is a potent Hindu system that teaches the art of erotic love by combining sex and spirit. Westerners often see sex as linear, the goal being orgasm, but tantra views sexual love as a sacrament and an energy exchange between two people.
Using specific positions, you move erotic energy upward from the genitals to nourish and purify your whole being. Energy is emitted through the eyes: Eye contact is a way to stay connected to your partner. Also during orgasm, when energy rises, you may liberate uncomfortable emotions. Have I done something wrong? To experience how knowing about sexual energy can improve your sex life, try the following exercise alone or with a partner. See if the following fears are stopping you.
To surrender these fears, envision a new paradigm of sexual energy success. Dispense with old ideas and embrace truer ones. The first switch is to permanently retire the notion that good sex is equated only with performance.
This leads to performance anxiety, which only prevents good sex and orgasms. Or Steve Jobs when he was inventing the iPad?
I kinda doubt it. The same goes for sex. Attention should be focused on giving and receiving pleasure, not on expectations of erections and orgasms. I urge couples to be more candid, more innovative, more willing to question and blast apart notions that are anti-passion and anti-love.
Emotional wounds can also stop you from letting go. Lovemaking may trigger old hurts, fear of abandonment, or trauma. When this happens to my patients, their first instinct is often to shut down. One of my patients who struggled with low self-esteem spent a decade in an abusive marriage. No wonder she suffered from chronic pelvic pain. She loved her husband, but he was hurting her with his abusive treatment and definitely not treasuring her the way she deserved to be treasured. My beaten-down patient had reached that point of surrender.
Finally she was ready to let go. During our therapy, she gained the courage to leave the marriage and eventually her pelvic pain disappeared. Techniques that benefited my patient and will help others heal trauma include psychotherapy, bodywork—such as energy healing and massage—and spiritual work focusing on self-compassion and the complicated subject of forgiveness.
If you have a history of trauma that prevents you from letting go, I recommend reaching out to a therapist or guide to help you release it.
As healing occurs—and it will—letting go during lovemaking will feel safer and the sexual energy will become more pleasurable. You may resist the merging that happens during orgasm because it makes you feel invisible or consumed. Paradoxically, you must be confident in who you are in order to enjoy such profound letting go.
Otherwise the ecstatic dissolution of the ego during lovemaking may seem threatening. One college student told me about her conflicted emotions: Since Adam and Eve, erotic pleasure has made even the most sensible people forsake their priorities. A related aspect is when one member of a couple too greatly subordinates his or her identity while caring for a spouse or children.
Maybe that means returning to school, doing charity work, or insisting on private time to meditate and pursue spirituality. Then it will be safer to enjoy the freedom of surrendering, both during sexual energy exchanges and in your relationship. Bonding with a partner is a natural part of getting to know someone and of falling in love. True intimacy is always a balance between bonding and letting go so the relationship can breathe.
If you answered yes to six to eight questions, you are extremely overly attached. Three to five yeses indicate that you are moderately overly attached. One to three yeses indicate that you have a tendency to overly attach. A score of zero indicates that you have healthy bonding with your partner. I start yearning for him and thinking about him constantly.
Some of this is organic and beautiful but becoming overly attached crosses a line. Being in this position makes me and many women vulnerable to getting overly attached. So in my tantric sexual energy sessions and in therapy, I discovered how to enjoy passion from a more grounded place.
The solution to becoming overly attached is to focus on strengthening your self-esteem while addressing and releasing fears, including the fear of abandonment, which can cause the need to cling. Working with a skilled relationship therapist or coach can be productive. These will help you develop autonomy and grounding. Being willing to surrender the tendency to get overly attached in favor of a healthier bond will allow you to have more joyous and pleasurable relationships and sexual energy exchanges without the pain of obsession.
The goal of sexual energy surrender is to keep letting go in healthy, positive ways , at your own pace, in your own time. Lovemaking is an ongoing surrender to bliss. The dictionary defines it as extreme happiness, ecstasy, and the joy of heaven. For me, this is the place where great rivers converge, the intersection of human life and heaven.
Seeing the divinity in your partner while making love, and always, is acknowledging the miraculous in the ordinary.
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