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Click here to message the mods. I'm so fucking lonely and so fucking bored. I'm in my last semester at university. I moved away from home for tertiary study in the vain hope that a change of scenery would change my behaviour and give me the kind of life I am looking for.
My social life is nearly non-existant. I go to a party maybe once a season. I never meet anyone at uni and I don't know anyone in my courses.
I've never had sex. I've kissed a girl on one occasion only, at the end of the only relationship I've ever had which lasted a grand total of ten days. High school was only marginally better. I hear about young people having all these wild parties and having sex and relationships and just chilling with friends in the park or at someones flat or going to a gig and getting drunk or high.
I see them all around me at uni, they surround me in the quad and in lecture theatres, walking, eating, studying with each other. Last semester I actually had a friend in one of my courses and we would often go get lunch with whatever friends of his we might bump into after the lecture.
I eagerly awaited every lecture just so I could have some taste of what a students social life should be like. This lack of a social life would be kind of okay to me if I did something with my time other than surf the web, watch anime and play videogames. I'm getting my degree at the end of the year and I have no work experience, not even volunteer work. I'm doing a BA, so not the kind of degree that hands you a job at the end. Steam says I've played 44 hours in the past two weeks. I watched all of Samurai Champloo over a single weekend.
God knows how many hours I let reddit eat. My parents were amazed I even found a place to fucking flat at the start of this year, given that last year I tried and fell back on student housing after two months in which I contacted maybe just ten people. Thats why I feel useless. To make it worse I'm not even paying for this myself. My parents have paid my tuition in full, pay my living expenses and give me an allowance all so I can live this pitiful existence. The least I could of done if they were going to pay for everything is stayed at home with them.
There is a perfectly decent university in my home town. This makes it sound like I hate myself. I don't, I think I'm fairly smart in certain fields, I'm not unattractive, I think I'm funny and kind and I can see why what friends I do have like me.
Its just that I don't do anything. Things happen to me. I'm not an agent in my own life. The potential for agency is there but I just don't take it and I don't understand why.
I know how to apply for jobs. I know how to volunteer. I know how to start doing an assignment two weeks in advance. But when it comes time to do it it all seems so impossible.
How can I put out my pitiful CV to dozens of employers if all they'll do is glance over it and laugh? I realise after the fact that this isn't the case but whenever I'm looking at job listings it seems like a self-evident truth. How can I volunteer if that means I have to align myself with a specific cause that people will then judge me for?
The same goes for my social life. I know how to invite people to do things. I know that I need to do that if I want a social life. I can't expect someone to hand me a social life. I have to join clubs or go to events alone as well, to meet more people, but when it comes time to do these things all these thoughts grow more powerful.
I'm so afraid that to do any of these things would be to admit publically that my life is unsatisfactory. To admit that I've been lying through my teeth the past two years about how often I've been meeting friends, about how 'good' I've been feeling, about what I've spent my spare time doing. I kind of want to move cities again. That way I can just tell everyone that I'm new to town and need to make friends. But I know that wont work because thats what I thought I would be able to do when I moved here.
Beyond that; I have trouble forming relationships with people because I don't want to tell them anything about me they wont like. I don't think there is even a single person who could even name one of my favourite bands. I don't tell anyone the specifics of my political views.
My left wing friends know that I'm left wing, and that is about it. Who knows that I'm a feminist? Who knows that I voted Green last election and will vote Green this election? And there is definitely no one who knows my philosophic views beyond the fact that I'm an atheist.
I mean jesus, I started watching anime a few months ago and you dear readers are the first people to ever find out about it. Many of my friends, particularly the new ones, don't even know I'm a gamer.
My gamer friends don't know what games I'm currently playing. I don't ever post to facebook because I'm afraid people will think I'm desperately seeking attention. I would post some photos from a recent holiday but I don't want to draw attention to just how few photos there are of me from the last few years. I haven't bought an item of clothing in a year and a half because of course, any clothing purchase would be an act of self expression and what if someone doesn't like it? Not just potential friends but the other customers and clerks in the store.
It shouldn't require a fucking act of willpower for me to walk into a clothing store but it does. And it goes without saying that I haven't told anybody about any of the things I've written down here. Because of all of these things I feel like the few friends I do have don't really know me. Wives and The Big Ones.
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