So have u been a member of one of these dating sites.
I am not seeking to leave my wife, nor should you be seeking to leave your husband.
T here were, says Cat, perhaps one or two male students on her English degree. How great to have so many clever, educated young women spilling out every year, but there could be negative consequences, as a new book, Date-onomics , points out: But, as the business journalist Jon Birger relates in his book Date-onomics, if an educated woman wants to form a long-term partnership with a man of similar education, the numbers are stacked against her.
But it could just be a numbers game, she says though Birger will say these two things are linked. Birger had started noticing that he was around far more single women than men. I wanted to figure out why. At first he thought it was just a big city problem — perhaps more educated women than men were drawn to New York, where he lives, or cities such as Los Angeles or London.
The numbers are pretty much the same across the United States. Across young people, age 30 and under, [there are] about four college grad women for every three college grad men. In many cases, this gender gap is even bigger in rural states than in urban ones. In the US, he writes that among to year-olds, there are 5. We are seeing a gap in the UK too. Last year, a record number of women outnumbered men , with nearly 58, more women than men.
He thinks one of the drivers of the so-called hook-up culture is the number of men who have found a wealth of available women to choose from.
She is mainly attracted to Oxbridge graduates, she says with a small laugh. That indicated there is a preference for similarity.
There is very strong preference for similarities along a range of attributes, such as age, height, occupation, interests. The increasing prevalence and efficiency of online dating has also had an effect, says Birger, because of the filtering tick-box nature of it or as Evan Marc Katz , a dating coach whose advice I like to read, warns: In the US, among people aged who do not have a college degree, there are 9.
So the dating world is just as hard for those blue collar guys. One of my bits of advice in the book is that I think we all need to open our hearts and minds to dating across socioeconomic lines.
I refer to these as mixed-collar marriages. You see it much more in the African American community, where the gender disparity in college education is more extreme — you certainly see more educated women married to working-class guys.
There is also evidence to suggest that couples in which the woman is more educated than the man are happier. One study of more than 1, interviews with couples found that in relationships where the woman was more educated than the man, they were more likely to stay together than in couples where both had low levels of education, or where it was the woman with the lower level.
In the past, couples where the woman was better educated were more likely to divorce than other couples, but no more.
Is this mostly down to changing attitudes? We can see from data from around the world that men are marrying women with more education than themselves. There seems to be a very tight relationship between changes in the gender gap in education and what happens to marriage and cohabitation patterns.
She cites a study by Marianne Bertrand of women who had higher incomes on average than men: However, Belot thinks women may be increasingly accepting of the fact that they may not meet the sort of partner they want and therefore choose to be alone: I think the question is more, do you have the opportunity to meet?
A study by the Pew Research Center think tank last year found that for the first time in the US there were more couples in which the woman was more educated than her husband than the opposite. But there is still a stigma, says Genevieve Zawada , who runs a matchmaking service, particularly for women over Funnily enough, men hardly ever discuss it. This article contains affiliate links, which means we may earn a small commission if a reader clicks through and makes a purchase. All our journalism is independent and is in no way influenced by any advertiser or commercial initiative.
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I want to convince my current boyfriend for us to abstain until marriage, how do i do that? I was with a girl 7 months. When I mentioned that I was having an issue she became a little distant.
She said it was everything she could do to not run away. Your feelings are a consequence of their actions after all. There are a few things I would add to this. A person that you cared enough about to be with in the first place. Try and consider whether their sexual past actually has an incidence on that before you react.
Find out what their morals are and how they differ from yours. I believe in sex as an expression of love and to be shared with someone only when you are both mature enough and share full trust and respect for each other. Nor do I believe it is something you can only find once otherwise waiters who end up divorced should just resign themselves to continuing their lives lonely and sad. I recently got married and my husband was very honest when he told me how many sexual partners he had before he met me.
I was a waiter, he was not. I chose to wait due to my faith. My husband shares the same faith. It was not easy for him to tell me about his past, but I figured if God can forgive him, I could too. No one is perfect. The first time she had sex was when she was Yet, I cannot help but feel so unbelievably jealous of these other men. I feel so insecure, but more so because there could potentially have slept with a 7th person.
She can remember his name but not whether she slept with him or not? She swears this to be the truth, but I cannot help but feel that she is telling me what I want to hear. I recently found some letters to herself that she wrote 4 years ago saying that she was worried that she had gotten pregnant after having unprotected sex with her boyfriend at the time.
When I think back, I wish I had left the relationship when I could. In the right conditions, it will happen again. You both deserve better. I had sex with about eight different guys starting at the age of 14 until about age 21 with several relationships, etc. I was raised in a christian home and knew that it was wrong, but acted foolishly. My father was not very involved in my life after I became a teenager. I am not blaming him for my actions, I just say that to explain that I think I could have been stronger if my dad showed me affection and talked with me more… I believe these choices started because I was looking for love and acceptance.
I came to faith in Christ and a personal relationship with Him when I was 21 and was single for seven years wondering if God would ever bring a man that would truly love me for who He was transforming me to be.
I am now 39 and have been married for almost ten years. My husband said that he had a lot of issues in his heart and mind that God had to help him with even though he had never slept with a woman.
My commitment to my husband I believe speaks volumes to him as his does to me. It is what love is… all in what you show and do day after day. I have been faithful to my husband. My husband does not feel cheated and loves me very much. My husband and I have struggled with our intimacy, but God has used this to humble us and help us to see our need of Him.
God is transforming us. We are more and more in love as the days go by. We have three children and they are a blessing. It blows me away how good God is! All of us are messed up! Some of us have sinned in so many other ways than what I have highlighted in my life. It is a blessing to have the grace to resist temptation to not touch and have sexual relations before marriage.
Pray that God helps you to remain strong. If you commit your way to Him, he will lead you in the right direction with a future spouse and can sustain and can make beautiful marriages from ugly pasts.
God is working in a myriad of ways. He came to redeem. Our marriages can be a picture of his redemption! I just wanted to share a bit of my story. And offer a side that is not expressed so much.
I was not raised in a christian home, however i became a christian at 4 years old, and i always had good morals and knew right from wrong from a young age. One thing i will say is i am a hopeless romantic, through and through, i want a man who will sweep me off my feet, and protect me and fight for me, and love me just for me. I bought a purity ring and made the decision to wait till marriage, at about 15 years of age, although i had done a couple silly physical things with a boy i dated when i was 13, i had made a commitment and i was going to stick to it.
In that time i had always like and actually loved, this boy i knew from when i was a little kid. I was in love with him for about 7 years before we actually became boyfriend and girlfriend. He asked my mum for permission to date me, and me being a hopeless romantic, it made me love him even more.
I really loved him and i had often sat and talked with god about him, before we dated, and i said Im superman and he is my cryptonite, he is the one for me, i dont want anyone else, hes the one. Little did i realize how wrong i was, and how to late it would be. I dated this boy for 1 year and a half, from just before my 18th birthday and I am now 19 years of age. I gave this boy everything.
I thought i knew everything, going into that relationship, i didnt understand how strong the flesh can be, and i was foolish. At the beginning of our relationship he pressured me to go so much further than i wanted, and forced me to do things, but we had worked through that and he apologised and i forgave him.
But after that i felt so dirty and unclean, that i just lost all the respect i had for myself. I cryed myself to sleep, cause i thought theres no way god can love me now.
That was one of the hardest things to deal with. But this boy loved me, and i loved him and i foolishly believed it was going to be ok cause we were together for the long haul and one day i would marry this boy. I never let the physical things we did go all the way, i could never give it all, but i gave so much that i cannot be considered a virgin, i wish i could, but i cant.
To make it a little bit more painful. He broke up with me, and then four days later slept with one of my friends, and i had to pick that exact day to go to his house, to collect some of my stuff that was left there. To wait for him to get dressed to come and answer his door, and see her there.
It hurt so much to know that the boy i was in love with for 8 and half years, could do that only 4 days after we broke up. I was still coming to terms with the break up, but to do that, the boy that stood in front of me, made me sick to my stomach. He made sure i was in the most pain i have ever been in. Words cannot describe how painful it is to realize that i gave my most precious gift to a boy who threw it away.
Like it didnt matter. And One day i will have to stand in front of my future husband and tell him, that i did that, and words cannot begin to describe, how much pain it has caused me to say it to him. The last thing i wanted was to hurt the guy Im going to be with, and i just hope he will still want me after i tell him.
I understand like many of the people have said above, how much it hurts you and bothers you that your partner has done stuff with someone else. But from someone, who had every intention of waiting till marriage, i have never regretted anything more in my entire life, I try find the strength to forgive myself everyday.
I wished i never had to learn this way. Dont make the same mistake i did, your flesh is so much more powerful that you know.
We have people on the forums who are not virgins but who have decided to wait, that makes them waiters. If you want to join the forums, please feel free to do so: Thanks again for having the courage to share your story.
Men get better with experience because of the anatomy of the man and the ability to last longer. Women on the other hand, gets worse, particularly if they have slept around a lot, and it they become very difficult to please.
I remember reading a few years ago about a hormone that women produce oxy something, that is produced in limited amount just like the ova in the lifespan of a woman and that when she has sex she passes that hormone. So eventually when she wants to marry if she has wasted her hormone in others, the relationship most likely will not last as long, and the sex interest will diminish very quickly.
Also, women are just harder to please and the anatomy is different. Stretching is a factor that can not be denied, meanwhile pleasing a guy in bed is much easier since most men are usually into sex. Also most women can live with little sex, but most men will go crazy. Now sex and love are two different items.
I believe women can really love a man with little sexual attraction or interest and be okay about it, but most men can not do that. And believe me, guys will learn, becasue other guys love to talk about their conquests, and there is nothing worse than to learn that your woman slept with another man in the past even if it was before your time when that other man tells you about it and ridicules you about it.
That will mess you in the head and will kill your pride and that relationship with that woman, believe me I leaned this the hard way. Well, I must say thank you very much for this heartfelt explanation.
I was looking for answer for quite a while now for I have found the girl of my dreams rather early in life My age being a ripe young However she was rather depressed before me and before I saved her from herself she was hanging onto a friendship with a rather undesirable guy.
Me, having been cheated on in the past, felt so strange when those feelings started to arise as I realized more and more the reality of the situation, of the act of her having sex with this guy. Though she did this two years prior to even knowing I existed, I was bothered, regardless of the extremely awful job he performed fully clothed, slipping out and around and finishing so early she might as well have fingered herself, mind my racy commentary.
This settled for a while but it bothered me to no end up until I read this article. The only reason your article helped though was because the logic part of my brain kicked and realized this is a path to destructing all that I created with her. Consider survival instincts, but this relationships perpetual and my tired mind misses her more than anything so to hurt her in anyway and make her regret more her actions that were completely against her character and were out of most likely boredom and infatuation would destroy me internally.
Thank you very much for helping to ensure the security of my sure to be long term relationship. Thank you very much.
Have a wonderful life. Noelle — That was awesome. Please join the forums and hang out so I can nag your about writing an article or two. I think you could make some really meaningful contributions to this site. I totally understand your sentiment, Dani. Some of us have to set a high standard and remind the rest of us that yes, we were meant for better than this. I found her, she found me; and together, we overcame the odds. So when life wants to screw either one of us, it knows where and what it can kiss.
Only thing is, I seem to be better at finding and polishing the gems fit for someone else, and playing matchmaker, rather than finding one for myself.
In a way, she was sort of right. I am in a relationship but have fallen for another guy. I slept with my partner out of a desire to rebuild our relationship but regretted it immediately. I fessed up to the other guy and told him that I regret doing so. I am a non-waiter but this guy whom I love is a waiter.
I have contacted him but he has not replied this is not normal for him. I am also seriously thinking of ending the original relationship but in the meantime, I am so worried this other guy will leave me out of jealousy and hate. What should I do? Pls, no haters I am already very upset about this and am beating myself up for what I have done.
I would really like to share my story here. I am 26 years old and got married seven months ago. We had an arranged marriage and I was convinced that I was marrying my Mr. I asked him several times if he ever had a serious physical affair with anyone and he repeatedly vehemently said no.
There was some girl who he said was after him but he never paid any attention to her. Or so he claimed. After we got married, that girl would regularly call and text my husband. Then, she started texting in the middle of the night and one day I saw her text and it was quite obscene.
When I confronted my husband, he said I was making a big deal out of nothing and simply left for work the next day. He said that he was putting up with her messages only because she kept threatening to reveal the truth. I was completely shattered. I used to wonder how our sex life was so one-sided, how it was always me who was so fascinated, curious and interested in sex. Now I know — cuz he was never a waiter!!! I even feel at times that he may have cheated on me while we were married, though he denies it but how can I possibly trust a single word he says anymore?
These two thoughts keeps racking my brains day and night and makes the very thought of getting back with him, or even having sex with him ever again so revolting. But I was wrong. I just feel so betrayed, more so by the fact that he waited to tell me the truth till she threatened to disclose it herself.
I am just so angry with him right now that I feel it was pointless waiting all this while. I feel like going and having sex with whichever random guy I meet just to make him realise how I feel!
He comes from a very modest middle class joint family and lives in a small house, whereas I come from a high class nuclear family. However, I still happily adjusted with all of his family and day to day routines though they were very different from the ones followed in my house for his sake.
I am so irritated and am honestly contemplating a divorce now. That is how my now ex-fiance ruined our relationship. I told him right up front that I was not a virgin and had been with 3 other guys during a very tumultuous time in my life. He proceeded to be a complete and total jerkwad about it for months, making me miserable, berating me, treating me like crap, etc.
If not waiting is truly a deal breaker for you, break up with the person and spare yourselves a lot of heart break. If you truly care about the non-waiter, you will not belittle them for bad decisions that they made before they even met you. And oh my God, leave your high and mighty attitudes at the door. A lot of girls get manipulated into having sex as teens. Some girls are raped and that is how they lose it which does terrible things to their self-esteem. Guys face all sorts of pressure, and most are just not able to stand up to it.
So Seaflo, dont get down in the dumps. Stay true to God and he will lead you to the girl of your dreams. In my case, I am still a virgin and I am dedicated to wait for my wife. Im not to big o finding a virgin, although it will be nice. Even if my wife had a lot of men in her past, I will have to forgive because God has forgiven me. As long as she does not have an STD lol. I m in relationship with my fiance for 2 and half year and i love him very much and he also loves me very much cares for me alot but before a week he told me about his past and n now i feel really bad whn i think about tht… But i dont want him to get hurt by knowing what i feel..
I still love him very much but i cant get all this things out of my mind and when i see him that thought comes in my mind automatically..
I dont know what i should do.. But i cant live without him.. He is my life.. What should i do????? I cant get over the fact that he slept with 2 other girls i imagine him with those girls i saved myself to him why is it he didnt save himself for me? I am in need of some help. I am in a relationship recently got engaged and I love my fiance. She is the light of my life and I know that she is my soulmate.
Both of us have a sexual history with other partners, but mine was definitely worse. I have always wanted to be happily married to one woman and one woman only for my whole life. However, most of my past relationships were very brief. Due to this, I was naive in the area of long term relationships and it has caused me to hurt my fiance in many ways. I was at first very open about my past, in fact too open to the point where she became angry with me.
Because of this when confronted with women I knew and questioned about my past with them, I lied or tried to brush it off because I knew it would upset her, which was obviously a horrible and wrong thing to do. As well, in our early days of dating I shared with her that I had watched pornography while we were dating. This is something that I had struggled with since my teenage years.
I had always wanted it out of my life, but could never seem to do it. When I told her about it she explained to me that to her, it is no different than cheating and I agree with her. Because of her I no longer watch pornography. I try to reassure her that even though I was attracted to a woman of a different race at one point it does not mean I have some sort of preference to a certain race of person.
It is still hard for her to believe this because she is attracted only to men of my race. Early in our relationship I still had a facebook account. I am part of a network marketing company, so I try to keep open ties to people in case of possible business in the future. I have had my facebook account deactive for the past 6 months and I reactivated it today to remove everything from my pages and permanently delete it.
When I did this, she viewed my wall on her phone and became upset about women writing on it from before I had deactivated it, but while we were still dating. That is why I am writing you now because we just had one of our biggest fights about that. I feel like such a horrible person because of all of these problems.
Because of my horrible decisions in the past and early in our relationship I cause the woman I love most in this world a lot of pain. I am the one who wronged her, and I need to know what I can do to show her that I love her more than anything on earth, I would do anything for her, and no woman in my past, present, or future will ever, ever change that. I know the main reason I am still hurting her is because I broke her trust.
I know this may take years or even a lifetime to restore, but I am willing to go through all of that for her. Two years ago I came across a list hidden in a drawer I was putting something away, not snooping of all the men that my then girlfriend has been with. First and last name with a date that they first had sex. I wanted to die right then and there. Eats me alive on the inside. Mike, you have written excellently and every perspective of yours is helpful.
I would love to read more from you. I read this article with great interest even though my situation is not very similar yet able to be related. I am not a virgin and have been with a few girls. My girlfriend, who I care for deeply, has only been with one man. Her ex-husband who I have never met, but all of our mutual friends know. He took her virginity. I understand that many people will think of me as a hypocrite, but the girls I have been with meant nothing to me and I am somewhat ashamed of my actions, while my girlfriend means the world to me.
She says that she did not have the feelings she has for me with her husband even though, yes obviously, she had used the love word with him when they were together — obviously not anymore. It kills me since I have never used that word with a girl until my girlfriend. It felt like a certain type of virginity in itself.
I feel all of the emotions written in this article. Neither of us were virgins and even though I have been with more partners, she has definitely had sex more than I have. I can imagine that many times she was having sex it was from passionate love while for me it never was that. It kills me because I imagine it. I am definitely thinking about seeing a therapist.
We have talked about marriage — which freaks me out on a whole different level because I am having these feelings that I am talking about and I imagine that you are not supposed to have these feelings when you want to commit to someone like that. She is so attached to me emotionally more than I, just because I keep my distance just a little because these bad emotions scare me. But I have basically promised to marry her, which scares me.
However, just the thought of not being with her and seeing her with another man makes me have a heart attack. If you are in pain from any experience similar to the ones you read here, I can tell you that with time and help you can feel better. My wife and I were waiters. My heart exploded and I actually went dark for a few seconds and almost passed out. I made the mistake of asking for all of the details too. Ultimately, this experience has made me a better person. It was very, very tough on me and I struggled mightily.
I still struggle occasionally. I encourage you to read about both of those. We are all quick to forget how quickly we are forgiven by others. If you are in pain, please remember the most important ingredient to feeling better: Also, fully forgiving another for something that hurt you very deeply puts you in a great spot for being forgiven by God, which is a good feeling.
You may have heard that not forgiving and forgetting is the greater sin. She came to realize her mistakes and moved past them to forgiveness. I let it fester, and not being quick to forgive and forget almost destroyed me. Its not your job to determine if she has suffered enough to be forgiven.
Finally, this experience has made me less judgmental, and made me a more effective person in helping others with their challenges. As cheesy as it sounds, in many ways I am grateful that my heart exploded that day. I am a much better person because of it. I have been married for 32years and we now have 2 wonderful children who are now in their teens. Before we got married, we dated for 10 years because I was in Europe whilst he went to Africa for a year. I later joined in in Africa where we both grew up and we have family ties and we continued to see each other.
We then got married. The first 10 years of my marriage was very rocky as my husband cheated on me with several women. When we spoke about it he would deny it. When we relocated to Europe from Africa he changed but it was not sudden I discovered he had relationships here and there which did not last for a long time.
What surprises me though is that he wants me to tell him about my past sexual experiences with men before we got married and he says it turns him on.
If I ask him about his sexual experiences he tells me too and explains everything in detail. Could you please tell me what this means. Is it a normal thing for a man to get turned on because of my past sexual experiences. I find this weird please help. Its damn difficult to take things out of your head………. I have tried my best……everytime I think the times my husband spent with his girlfriend even when I was not there…… my heart sinks……….
God help me please………help me. But i think too much. Its too hard to explain. I recently found that this world has no value for virginity things…it hurts me and makes me angry. And am I right thinking the pain will lessen once we make love?
Not just for lust…but because we both love each other…dearly.. I tortured myself over the fact that my girlfriend had been with one guy less than 5 times who she loved dearly.
Let me tell you what I wish I could go back and tell myself: By the standards of every other girl in existence, she is practically a virgin too. LOOK at what you have in front of you right now. For her, sex requires love. You have found a gem.
Again, look at what you have. Every time you guilt her over the past it pushes her away from you. Even if it rips you up inside, never let her see a hint of it. Tell her not to give it a second thought. Make her be in AWE of how cool and accepting you are about it.
Make HER accept it for herself. Do it for yourself. You want her to ignore those memories, and focus on you and focus on now. Because the more she focuses on you and how awesome you are, the more those old memories of her ex will fade and matter even less. When you bring up her past, it makes her think about her past, and that strengthens the memory for her. If you want to have sex, do it. If you want to wait till marriage, do that. But I caution you against deciding to have sex simply to kill the pain of the past.
But again, downplay it. You can still save it. The thing with that is I always felt so alone because he could never acknowledge how I felt. It made me feel a bit better after telling him how I was feeling. I guess the only way for me to really get over all this is if he shows me that he really cares. Are there any non-waiter guys out there who can share their stories of how they helped their waiter girlfriends get over this?
Well first let me start off by saying it was both a relief and a comfort reading your article. I have felt very alone in my beliefs on waiting to have sex not really just for marriage my belief is more waiting for the right someone you truly love and truly loves you in return.
I take such issue with that. But it is and when did it stop being a big deal? Sex can be wonderful and make you feel loved and wanted and closer and connted to the person your with. Sex can can make you feel just the opposite you can feel used and dirty and worthless and more alone. Sex can spread disease and and cause death. Sex is anything but no big deal. I could go on and on about it lol but I think I am just preaching to the choir here.
Anyway my real reason for writing on this blog is to reach out for some advice. I am married to the man of my dreams and I love him in every way. I have a growing resentment towards him about his past.
He knows somewhat about how I feel about it. We talked more about it when we where dating. And had a few pretty bad fights over it i defiantly drew some blood. Our arguments mostly ended with him shutting me down by saying I have no right for being mad at things in the past that he cant change.
And I agreed with all of his points and said to myself to let it go there is so much more to this man than his past there is so much that I love about him that I can look beyond my issues over it and stop being selfish.
And beating him over the head with things he has no power to change. So it got better I thought it was behind me. We now have been married for 3 years and have a beautiful baby girl. But it still eats away at me almost every day I cant stop obsessing over it. I want to talk to him about but I can never bring myself to do it. And he knows I am lying but I just can form the words to say.
Its so painful at times it brings me to tears and I am speechless. I feel crazy and very depressed over it at times. The pain is so great sometimes I wish I never meet him and feel in love with him. I forgot to add that my husbands sexualpast has been pretty extensive he has been with many many women.
Remember your reasons and conviction for abstaining in the first place. Would you be able to admit that to yourself and be able to live with yourself because of that? Would you be willing to risk that chance of inadvertently hurting your future spouse?
Believe it or not your response has been a big help! I could already feel the weight dissipating from my shoulders!: I can now go on with a clearer, more educated conscience, thanks to you! I will take your advise and use it wisely. As long as I am not too nonchalant for her to think I do not care for her.
This website is so wonderful. In my circle of friends I thought I was the last waiter I knew. I was a virgin until I married my husband when we were both in our twenties. He was not a waiter but was not entirely open about his sexual past. I was naive and in love at the time so when he confessed his past of being with another woman I kind of skimmed over it and moved on. I felt insecure and inadequate while he felt frustrated.
Talk It over seriously. The thing that really bugs me is the fact that she had random hookups, to be honest if it was sex within the confines of a relationship I would have no problem. She claims she did it because she was lonely. I frankly I do not believe her. It is such a relief to meet people who are dealing with the same problem I am dealing with. My boyfrend and I have been dating for three years now and it was two years ago that he confessed to me he was not a virgin.
I was devastated and struggled with his past for a really long time. In fact, I am still struggling with it. I almost feel as if all my efforts to build boundaries with guys and remain pure have been in vain since the person whom I am madly in love with and want to marry did not wait for me as I did for him. I am actually surprised to read how many guys are dealing with this issue with their girlfriends since to me it always seemed like girls were the ones who were waiting while guys squandered their virginity.
I honestly never really thought those guys existed until now. However, my dilemma still remains. Is it worth it to stay with this person knowing that I may move past but never truly forget his sexual past? Can I ever overcome the daunting thought that those sexual relationships will forever be a part of ours? Will our first time still be as special as if we had both waiting or will he be reminded of those other girls? My boyfriend of three years revealed to me two years ago that he had had oral and anal sex but be swore to me that he never had vaginal sex.
I am a virgin son this came as a devastating shock for me but since I love him I have chosen to forgive him and stay with him. My fear is that if we get married I will years later find out that he did have vaginal sex. A guy kisses a guy and its not expiramenting its just gay, a girl does the same n its totally acceptable why? Is it a given that we will always get these intense negative emotions with whomever non-waiter we date? Please share your experiences….
I feel extremely unwanted. Has anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice? His attitude should calm down and improve in time, so patience will help. Pushing him on it will make it worse. Time will help with that too. Tell him to ask them not what they think he should do, but what they do in their own relationships. Virginity is nothing but a social construct. And please consider this: You have nothing more important to contribute to a marriage that is more valuable than this?
Do the sexually active a favor and just keep amongst your own. Thanks for your article. If anyone has any thoughts I would be grateful. I want to have some tips, how to get over problem like this. We are around 5 months together. In start i knew that she is not a virgin, but i was ok with that, but now i think more and more of that and it hurts like hell.
Before that i had been with different girls, but in hart, i believe that i gave my virginity to her, and now i feel bad.
She says im the best and she wants to be with me, but im feeling realy bad, how to get over this, because i love this girl so much and i want to be with her, but i feel different right now…. This person would be my husband.. Sexual relations have to be in a legal way. I will suggest to your girls out there that as you age, you find that the guys you tend to go out with are also getting older.
And herein lies the problem from a real life 28 year old. If the guy has been free from sexual misbehavior for the last two years, has never been a man-slut e. The girl his girlfriend in his post made several bad mistakes at the same time: Notice, that three of the mistakes did NOT involve sex. I hope this helps somebody out there. OK, I have rambled long enough. I really like this site. It really showed me how to deal with things. My boyfriend and I are both 19 young I know. We have been dating for a year and a half now.
When we started dating I was 18, and he was 17, almost We both told eachother our pasts, and I seemed to be ok with his. He had slept with a girl before when he was 17, a few months before he started dating me. He had only done things with that one girl. I, on the other hand had done stuff with a bunch of guys, but I never went all the way and had sex. I lost my virginity to him, and today I regret. One day it just hit me, and I cant get it out of my head. We have gotten in so many fights about it, and actually broke up once because i felt like i could no longer take it.
I asked him about his ex and the experience and he told me things, I wish I never knew. It hurts me so much that he would go and just do it with her after she cheated on him, and had sex with other dudes. He said he did it because he was jealous how other guys had her. It makes me so upset! He gave his body to her, a girl who treated him like crap. I feel like I just get the left overs.
I need help, and need advice about how I should deal with this and get over it. I really do love him, and I feel that is why this is so hard. I forgot, we both decided not to have sex anymore until marriage hopefully to eachother. I could never do that!
Maybe thats why it hurts me so much? Please, I just need advice. I need some advice and to share my situation, this site seems more friendly than most places on the internet. I am having difficulties dealing with the sexual history of my girlfriend.
We have been dating for 9 months and I am very much in love with her. I am 27 and she is We were friends before we started dating and I believed she had not had sex before; I think this may be why I am struggling to deal with the situation perhaps, that is me trying to rationalize it.
The feeling that makes me feel worse is I am not completely innocent. When I was 14 I had sexual relations with another guy yes did about everything I can do to another guy. I got myself in a few situations where things happened, but I never actually had sex.
When I was like this I felt like I was trying to take advantage of women; this feeling made me hate myself. As a result, I changed and decided I would wait for someone I really wanted to be with.
It took me 6 years to date someone I really wanted to be with. To further complicate matters I stopped waiting and had sex with her. Now it feels extremely shallow for me to have these feelings regarding her past.
Please help me deal with my feelings. Then I get this mental image stuck in my head of him and someone else. This article is really what I feel as of the moment.
We werent dating then. We were just friends. I love him and I know what I want to do…. I want to get past it. I want to move on and look forward to a better future with him…. There are a number of articles on the net regarding this topic written by bitter people and the articles themselves will not help you. Mike has clearly experienced the topic at hand and knows what he is talking about.
I am not a waiter and neither is my partner. I am such a hypocrite because Ive had more sexual experience than her but her sexual past has continued to haunt me for some time. I love my fiance and soon to be wife deeply. There is nothing I would not do for her. My feelings for her transcend government, law, religion and anything else you can think of. I asked my partner about her sexual past and she feels very protected, safe and open with me so she told me everything honestly.
Her number is rather small but the fact that men have used and abused her and she stayed with them devastates me. It makes me worry deeply. My imagination is my worst enemy. Usually if my imagination is torturing me Ill ask her for a particular detail and find relief because the truth is not half as bad as my imagination.
I do understand that I have to get over this. If I am asked a question about my ex I really have to stop and think about it because that person is a fading and distant memory. So I realize every time I ask her I am giving power to that memory. Which annoys me in itself. I dont want to do it but i feel compelled.
My partner is an amazing, caring, thought full and loving woman. When I told her how I feel she apologized to me and told me she wished she had waited for me and that itself really helped me. We have an amazing life together in every area but I constantly am tortured by my imagination and the fact that I will never be able to dominate her in bed how others have. I guess ultimately the two options are: I recently found out the girl I am falling in love with has in a recent past slept with a old friend now enemy of mine.
She does not even acknowledges him when they see each-other but I cannot stop thinking about how this girl could talk herself into sleeping with such person. Except the previous girl was a slut, who had slept with many people I knew and continued to talk to them as friends. My boyfriend found this article and showed it to me. I feel awful about my past and would never want him to be hurt by it. I know he has felt every one of the emotions listed in this post, because he has expressed it to me.
I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how I can make him more comfortable with me. If anyone has advice on how to help him through this tough period please let me know. For starters, be patient. Even when he lashes out and says horrible things. Try not to view his turmoil as a threat to how he feels about you.
He wants to find a way to get past this. Also — this may just work on guys — anything that you can do to rebuild his ego will help. Show him that he has more of you physically. Make him pity the other guy. Hi mike, After reading your article and the comments everyone had given. I got the courage to share my story. When I got I started talking with a guy and within 2 months I fell in love with him. I had never met him though, but what he told and the way he cared about me I was totally in love with him.
We both had our secrets… But when we met, things slipped and we ended up having sex. We had accepted each other as being a couple. From then on after every months for next 3 years, we used to meet and have sex and enjoy our time with each other. If tempted by the same sex or even being intimate with my partner I would like to wait till being married.
But of entering in a relationship and that also of telling my whole part to the other person really scares me, knowing that this person will always be hurt and so will I be too. Another perfect page outlining how the doctrines of religion to do with human relationships creates more damage than harmony. Good job bible bashers.
I would not continue to date or marry a woman who is not a virgin, even if I really liked her otherwise. But, for those who would and there is nothing wrong with that I would imagine it is exteremely important to be able to move past their sexual history. Great article Mike, I enjoyed reading! Its amazing how many comments are directed towards people hurting trying to get over their current lovers sexual past.
This is a major issue for relationships today. Figured this would be a good halloween true story… anyway… I was a waiter who is now divorced from who I waited for. After the divorce I started seeing someone who I grew to love again pretty quickly. At first she seemed so sweet and innocent and judging by our conversations I began to feel that she might still be a virgin. She was 26 and I was 30 at the time. We grew to be best friends and talked about everything.
This turned out to be a very bad idea when it came to her sexual past. I remember it like it was yesterday, laying and cuddling no sex she told me she had slept with 20 other guys! Instantly I was shocked, hurt, and felt cheated.
My biggest mistake was for the next 3 or 4 months I kept prying in and wanting more details… and she gave them. One night stand with a guy 13 years older than her. Had guys texting her dirty pictures of themselves… I think you get the point. This hurt bad enough and I loved her so much at the same time that I actually felt like ending my life over the pain and grief it was causing both of us.
So I made a List of all the wonderful things about her and all the amazing fun times we have had since we met and I read it over and over whenever I had a dwelling relapse. The only thing that changed was how I began to treat her after knowing. Did I really think that if she found fulfillment, peace, and happiness with her previous promiscuity that she would want to stop doing it and be with me?
It was very obvious that she felt terrible about her past, and the last thing she needed was some idiot bringing it up to her and pouring salt on a wound. So I stuck to my lists and as time went by my thinking changed to a loving, caring, sensitive, and respectful for her. She is an amazing woman, and I am lucky to be loved by her! Since then we have been so amzingly happy and she is a blessing in my life.
Hope I havent bored you too much… this last statement always helped me: Love and be loved. Take each day for what it is. Just be bloody happy and stop focusing on…SEX!!!!! My girlfriend has had men. A gangbang and 3 somes with two other men at once. What can I do? You might have way more to worry about with this one.
Not a troll, just very concerned and struggling.. Jof — Sorry for the false accusation of trollhood. The topic of this website makes for alluring trollbait as you can probably imagine , so that makes my troll alarm a little oversensitive.
That kind of past is a giant, burning red flag that there are probably some issues under the surface with her. Disclaimer for anybody about to flame me: Fast forward two years now and she did it again, after another long year of rejection, she cheated on purpose to belittle me.
Now, my heart and life belong to the Lord to heal, because putting faith into another person is only loving the flesh. She will either receive the Lord and follow the word, or she is an immoral disbeliever…in that case, the marriage is annulled under the word of God.
Maybe someday, someone will have the courage to confront wives about sexual rejection of their husbands. My wife and I have been married for 14 years. Ever since we got married, I was always the one with the higher desire and almost all the times the one to initiate sex, very often I ended up getting rejected. I often tried to talk this out and see I could make her understand the way I felt but have had no luck. For almost 14 years of our married life we have only had disagreement on one key factor in our marriage, our differences in sexual desire.
It is realy painful to read these comments of sexual rejection. A good solution to all these starts from understanding the mind of God for us. He hates divorce and hence anything that could cause it should be frowned at. Bible made it clear that the body of the man belongs to her wife and vice versa. Paul encouraged continued sex affairs bw couples lest the devil tempts them. God bless you all. For me it has been over a year since my wife and I have made love.
I have never experienced pain like this in my life. I feel so hurt, angry, resentful, and I feel like somehow there is something inherently wrong with ME.
I feel my heart breaking. About two weeks ago she went to see a psychiatrist about it and we talked after. She promised she would try. Of course I got shut down. I should know better than to even try. Last night was very hard for me and for five hours I tried to shut my brain off by driving, keeping myself occupied, staving off the feelings of hurt and anger towards her and self-loathing towards myself. I can feel myself slowly taking back my heart from her and I can feel my trust in her and this relationship dissolving.
And it terrifies me. I love her more than anything in this world and I am crazy about her and she claims the same but her actions speak louder. I read both sides of this issue. My wife and I have talked about the same issues that are above, but it seems to end that SHE make the commitment and I have to accept with-out a chance of counter offer.
There is a reason that most marriage issue are around sex. It is the way GOD wanted it to be. The early sex is the best. But, it takes much more time to satisfy a woman than a man with sex. Men should take into account the wife feeling and experience. They like it TOO. As we age things change, but the man is slower to change with the woman. This is where I am now. I find it hard no pun intended to keep my sexual desires to a lower number of events. Sex one time a week is washing your sheets on the bed and one time a mount is like changing your oil in the car.
Yet it seem to be an issue when a woman will have the same activity with a stranger and not her husband and father of THEIR children. Most men never see the papers coming. The man was trained not to respond. Now, over the number of years, sex has become the subject, and not an event. Now it is a scheduled calendar. Saturday morning at 5: YOU hope she feels some. Remember in your youth that NO means NO. This is a test! Smile, I appreciate your reply. There are no hard and fast rules, or stereotypes so to say, between men and women.
People can fall on either side of communication and marriage problems. Also, those statistics are probably not completely, valid. Before that, it was times per year. She also constantly berates me and abuses me. My kids are finally out of the house and it is time for me to get out of prison. Sexual refusal is defrauding, or as we call it, cheating. So I have been cheated on for over 5 years. As for those of you who cheated your spouse out of sex for years, and now want it, I am very sorry, but you are reaping exactly what you have sown.
I always had a problem of low sexual appetite. I thought men were shallow and only wanted sex; I withdrawn myself from any kinds of affection most times. I would not get into kissing or close cuddling unless I knew for sure that I am ready for sex to follow.
My boyfriend now understands me and made me understand how he feels about sex and made me realise how deep and sacred sex is and not shallow at all as I thought it was to do it often. I justified it by saying that this way I can keep the quality.
My boyfriend was really frustrated but had the courage to talk to me and we started to make effort and it started to work.
Then I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at a stage where operations were needed. I got better very fast but it obviously meant no sex for about 3months due to the physical effects of the procedures.
Then probably another month with no sex as I felt I needed more time to began to feel like a woman again. That meant even more rejection to him. When we first tried, he could not do it. Slowly we have worked our way back into having sex, not as regularly as normal people but once every days maybe.
Then the pain I felt during sex turned out to be a post surgery infection. No sex for another month or so. Then I just felt unclean due to all different discharges that come with messed up hormones.
Yet another excuse not to allow my boyfriend to be close to me. And all this time he still did desire me. He did not rush me, he waited patiently, he was gentle and caring and making sure that it is OK for me. Once the bleeding has stopped we had one weekend away and felt like the whole world has changed: That was about 2months ago as since then we have had a few nasty arguments where we both said things that hurt the other.
And the more time I need, the more rejection I give. The more rejected my boyfriend feels the more we argue and fight about other things. The more we fight, the more time I need. Few weeks ago I even came up with the idea of taking pills on a regular basis to improve my sexual desire.
My boyfriend was very happy to hear that I do want change too. But the problem is that at this point my words of intention are not enough. I moved out from him yesterday and I am shattered how this whole thing have turned out. I felt so hopeful and in all fairness, I took all the time I thought I needed before making love to him because I thought he will wait until I fully heal.
It does not matter what the excuse was, I still rejected him for so long. He felt unloved and unwanted for so long. He managed to deal with it when I had serious excuses and he was there for me and he was my hero not that i thanked him as I recall. But then it supposed to be his turn.
We supposed to start paying attention to the problem that grew inside him. I really really love him and care about him. I know he loves me but he says he cannot trust me anymore. And I see why. He said we could maybe try dating as living together is too painful and I will likely to hurt him again. He thinks it is easier for me to heel without him around all the time as when he gets frustrated he says things he does not mean but they do hurt me a lot. I said this to him before. But now I understand so much more and I want to fix things again.
I know it is my duty to make him feel like a man again as he did make me feel like a woman again. I do t feel it is a sacrifice, I want it for myself as much as I want it for him.
How to tell him that this time will be different? This might be a dumb question, but have you actually told him this? I think you have to approach it in two stages. Firstly, and this is the hard bit, you have to convince him that you got it wrong.
Secondly you have to actually follow through with it and when you do do it massage his ego a bit. We might eye up supermodels occasionally, but we have no interest in marrying them or having fun with them of any sort.
I think based on the entirety of the article he loves her and wants to be as happy with her as he can. He knows that if he opens up that part of himself by letting himself look at her naked body and desiring her, he opens himself back up again to the possibility of pain. The root of both sentences is the same. Shut that part of him down. She and others talk like this male desire for sex is some kind of strange thing ; anyone who did any reading round the subject, or simply applied common sense, would know that men and women think differently about these things.
Except for people who think men use women as sex toys which says far more about them than men. Her best bet is to admit she totally screwed up and explain why, if she has not done too much damage, then she might get what she wants back. Maybe for some, but not everyone. Counseling some would suggest, or you should work at it harder by trying to romance the other.
Why should I work at it when my husband has no desire? Just live with it? Yo suggest that finding someone else would be no better, but how can anyone determine that is always so? I know from my experience of the emotional and psychological damage it can render upon the welbeing of the other spouse and the marriage. While I was younger, it never bothered me. She will have intimate relations with me, but we frequently argue about it. Like the article says, it makes me feel devalued and rejected.
My response initially was to improve my self physically, which I have lost much weight and have a nice hardened body. I frequently get attention from other women, but I just ignore it and go about my daily routines.
For you women out there , make your dam minds up about what you want, dont make excuses, make yor sig other feel loved as you would want. Like others here I am at the end of my rope. It took a bit of time to build up the energy to click it because like I said I think my best bet is giving up on that fantasy. But stupid optimist that I am I clicked. I am so sorry to hear of your struggle..
Here is an article that might be of interest to you.. Having pondered it for years, the answer is shockingly simple. For years you did not water your flowers. No more, no less.
I feel so terrible reading this article. It seems so inbelievable that Emily would realize this all now after she is the one being rejected. Good people can do bad things, in her case she took her husband for granted and ignored his needs. She made her husband this way and it is so very sad. What is more sad is that she has been suffering 2 years of rejection and she is on the same road of 8 more years of the same suffering he endured.
And it is not just her not being sexually and emotionally unsatisfied, it is Philip as well. Their kids are grown, and it is an opportunity to enjoy each other again and have a sexual enlightenment. Emily and Philip could have been loving each other tremendously for the past 2 years and now he is the one who has chosen to give up, he is also missing out.
There are only 2 choices for this couple, start having sex, or get divorced. I cringe at the thought of Emily staying with him much longer. What a pathetic shame. I know it sounds terrible, but I actually hope Emily can start fresh with someone new, Philip seems like a lost cause. As the one rejected too often you begin putting more and more defence mechanisms into your head to protect yourself, derail your natural process of arousal or deal with the upset and doubt caused in some way.
They still seem completely oblivious to your situation and you just feel a quiet emptiness inside. You think your desire is dead but then one day another woman flirts with you and suddenly your desire flares and your excitement rockets.
I suppose this is where a lot of infidelity starts but I have tried to still remain faithful, at least thus far. Recently she started laughing during an intimate moment and that caused me to immediately and completely switch off. Do I still desire my wife, even after 25 years? And averting my eyes even though I want to look so very badly makes the temptation much less.
Refusing wives or husbands would be wise to realize their situation is not as secure as they often behave. Somehow and this is the great mystery , they have to be self-motivated to want to change, not under duress — in her heart, she has to desire the kind of intimacy you want.
And I have no idea how to light that fire in a woman who let her pilot light go out. She rejects any and all attempts of bonding kissing cuddling, an d when we have sex she covers her head, and that hurts.
A come months later I realize that her ex has been coming around and they are secretive and she erases any and all conversations or so she thought. I did a lot of home work and checking this go out and watching before I ever asked if they were having a affair. She right out the gate went overboard in her defensive behavior. Still to this day maintains they never did any wrong. She refuses to discuss any of it and has since shut me out emotionally, there is no passion or any love coming from her I tried talking to her but nothing g came of it.
Any and all thoughts of wisdom plz. She always has an excuse and only reluctantly gives in every 2 or 3 weeks. I have explained how I feel and she always brushes it off as me just wanting sex. Even when she does reluctantly give in, she lays there like a log, motionless and asking me to hurry up. I feel very little connection to her anymore, and often times feel the only thing keeping us together are the kids. We get along ok aside from the lack of sex.
She will occasionally tease me, then when I try, turn me down. It is so mean and insensitive. I work full time and make a decent amount. I am out of the house for 14 hours a day with commute included. I am the one who constantly rejected my husband. We are now separated and he wants a divorce.
The Lord has gracefully showed me how the rejection made him feel and tore his self esteem down and created a huge emotional gap between us. I never saw it.
I wish I had done something about it a long time ago. Putting this in writing is more for me than for anything else but I hope someone finds this as helpful as your comments have been to me. I actually came across this article sitting at my desk searching desperately for something anything to make me feel better about my wife and our relationship as we enter yet another cycle of discontent. It started this time with an overt rejection of intimacy after an overdue but very fun night out while out of town without the kids.
This time she shut me down with hurtful comments about my past and unfounded concern for my health after a recent injury. Neither of these was relevant to the moment but offered her the confrontation she needed to abstain. I have been trying to connect the reason for these cyclical periods of strife in our marriage and found them to almost always be centered on intimacy or lack thereof. Not to mention me not willing to just accept it as normal anymore. As I read through the article and ALL the comments that followed I had an epiphany and was overcome with emotion.
Like someone who has been in pain for a long time with no diagnosis to define what is causing the hurt suddenly being justified with a diagnosis. Heck, I know that when we are sexually in tune our marriage is stronger. You see my wife is beautiful, strong, funny and a nurturing mother to our 2 daughters. We have struggled and made it through some tough times together but have a happy, comfortable life.
Feelings of HURT, rejection, vulnerability, embarrassment, resentment, loss, anger, insecurity, anxiety, spite, inadequacies, vengeance, and depression that over time have insidiously lead to utter contempt for her at times. I have tried to sit down with her and communicate the HURT this causes me.
I have come from a place of desperation and total vulnerability to utter and outright anger. Some of these lead to short lived changes. Most only added to the problem. As bad as all that sounds at least I was having an emotional response to the lack of intimacy.
Like a box to check off for her. Who the heck wants that anyway? Stuck, First of all, you are a great writer. Your expressions are clear and passionate. However, it is unacceptable for you to remain depressed, anxious, and saddended for the rest of your life. I was being rejected by my wife for months again.
I will not go another 20 years like this. But we need to be totally honest about how we feel and what we are going through. Although we are not totally fixed, things seem to be getting better. It also helped her to stop brushing off and minimizing my comments.
You sound like you really love your wife and will pray for the success of your marriage and for your well being. I have been married for 7 years, had very painful sexual experience during honeymoon. She I hear about orgasm, I wonder what it means, he initiates tries to initiate sex, but I am not always in the mood.
When we do have sex, within few minutes, I am exhausted. Now he cant have an erection, so we are like housemates.
But he has been a wonderful to me, and it makes me feel guilty of not giving back through sex. May be I should have married him, because he deseves more than I am giving. Please click here to listen to the podcast! This was a great article. Its fits my marriage perfectly. My wife and I are married for 15 yrs now and living with the effect of whats was so well explained in the article. Its crazy how the mind works and allows this anger and resentment to cripple your future chances of having a normal, sexually fulfilling marriage.
Problem is that with zero sex in your marriage, other problems are sure to arise infidelity, porn, reduced intimacy, etc. I totally agree with this article. We just recently got married but we have been together for 4 years.
I never rejected him for sex. When I try to talk to him about how it makes me feel unwanted and unloved, he would argue and make an excuse about why sex was not happening e. Anything can be made an excuse.
I would always ask him if he was still attracted to me, and again he would question me why I always ask him this. My husband and I have been together for 27 years and married for 22 of those no children. It became mechanical and I felt used because it was only sex, no love-making, no kissing, just quick sex. I wanted to please, so I submitted to it. Maybe this was some sort of revenge he had against women. Whether I felt very insulted or just found an escape for our tedious sex, I moved to the next bedroom that night and never went back to the old one.
Our sex stopped completely and we became distant and frustrated for months. Then with time, we made up but never again had sex. Neither one of us initiated sex either. We never even talked about it and I shut off that part of my brain.
He became very traumatized and fearful of new relationships. I knew all his story when we met as he told me everything. I love him even with all his baggage which is considerable, but I had my own and I thought we have enough things in common to make things work. He is very loyal, hard-working and fun to be with.
With time, I became depressed and offended by his lack of initiative in sex, feeling unwanted and unattractive. Maybe because of it, I gained a few pounds but men still find me sexy and attractive. However, I never sought an affair because I love my husband, I respect him and the marriage concept. I married for life, for better-or-worse. I still find him attractive. I would like us to have a love life again, but I am terrified at the thought of broaching the subject or if I did, to be rejected.
I already have self-esteem issues because of a tyrant father for whom I was never good enough. How do I get over this obstacle, how do I reach him? I do love him and I think a love life would be great for so many reasons, emotional, mental and physical. I also think that life is too short to give up a chance at happiness, even after so many years. I think neither one of us was happy, we just lived together lonely and accepting the sad reality of it. I would strongly encourage you to join our Facebook Group Save My Marriage and seek support on there.
Our sex life was active and full until nine months after my daughter was born. I was seeing a variety of doctors for numerous serious health issues that suddenly appeared. On top of that I rapidly gained 40 pounds and could barely get out of bed let alone care for my daughter and get to work each day. It turns out I had Lyme Disease. During that period my husband was less than supportive and pushed me to workout as though that was the root of my health problem. Working out was like pouring gasoline on a fire.
So then I was lazy. You get the picture. Once I was tested and found positive, his attitude changed for the positive but he never addressed how poorly he treated me for those two awful years. Everything else in our marriage is good right now. And I hate turning him down and not understanding how to change my subconscious impulse to cringe when he initiates sexual intimacy.
I think I found it. That time in our lives altered my trust in him on a fundamental level. Even the men in this feed describing their hurt at the constant rejection and resultant shutting down of desire for their spouse are describing the same phenomenon in my opinion. I sincerely doubt most of the husbands or wives that are rejecting their spouses are doing so out of spite or vengeance. Well, Just as I suspected, my experience really does set a record. I read every post and none of them come close.
No, I am not overweight, no I have no bodily issues that would be repulsive, no I do not have a personality that is harsh or mean. I am a beautiful 45 year old woman who still turns heads of men of all ages.
I have a loving and compassionate heart and a great sense of humor. I married a man whom I love and loves me but because he was raised to believe that sex was bad and shameful, he is emotionally troubled by it.
I prayed for God to take away my womanhood, my desire and need to be desired so that I could be faithfull and not filled with resentment. It mostly worked for many years and I have cared very much for his boundaries. I am not sure what happened but that part of me has resurfaced. I want sex as much as I ever have but now I cant imagine having it with my husband because I am only now coming to believe that he has betrayed me by not seeking help at any time in 22 years.
I have suffered more heartache and despair than I care to acknowledge. I am grieving the loss of 22 years of my life that could have been sexual and holding on to hope that I one day will be able to live as all of me and not just part of me.
I will always love my husband and I know he loves me just not enough to have at some point sought help. He is open to help now, he says. I am a flawed man. My wife of 33 years rejected me sexually for most of our relationship, after we were married. She was always too tired, too exhausted for sex. We compromised, and did it every week or ten days. I know, a lot of men would kill for weekly sex. Because we had children, I did what I had to keep it together.
Not in my case, I turned first to pornography, then stripper bars, then massage parlors, then to call girls, then swinger clubs. Then the unthinkable happened. I was in heaven. What started out as falling into bed together became falling in love. So four years later her husband gets the goods on us and I had to fess up to my wife. That was six months ago. She is initiating sex more now, but my heart is still cold.
My husband is selfish in bed. When he is on I never say no, and when I am the one who initiates he says no.
It really affects me coz our sexual relationship is so one sided. We are married for 2 yrs , too early to feel this but it really frustrates me. After years of emotional shaming tactics, I can no longer feel desire for her. Making love with her used to make me feel connected, loved, loving, and extremely special.
Before sex Do I have to? Do you know how much energy it takes for me to want you? That made me feel like a rapist. She would turn her head when i tried to kiss her. The next time we had a special night at a motel room, about 3 weeks later, she specifically asked me that then laughed at my reaction.
Then came the coup de grace. She had done things that she knows turns me on and when we finished, i was feeling special, loved and connected. She got up and told me that she felt like all i wanted her for was the sex. I was absolutely frozen in horror. In my most emotionally vulnerable moment, she dropped me into a pit of shame and self loathing. If i could have summoned the energy to get out of bed, i would have committed suicide. Since that night 3 yeats ago, i have yet to feel special in her arms.
I no longer touch her in any way but brotherly. Chaste hugs, cheek pecks, sometimes holding hands. Now she is starting to try. I will never reject her and I wil never complain like she has, but i will try to get out of it any way i can. What used to be Love-Making has turned into something ugly. It stopped pretty much on a dime, and not sure why. She claims it was from a bad year at school, which it did appear to be…however… My advances are always spurned.
Twice Ive planned a nice weekend where we were to relax and do things together and reconnect, and twice she has ruined it by shutting down. She always tries to throw the same thing back in my face, again which tells me she knows she is in the wrong. I proposed in February, foolishly thinking things were getting better…and its almost like she shut down even more.
Have I made a mistake? Watching her treble in complete happiness. I enjoy it AS much as anything she does to me.
It sucks rarely getting to see that. And sometimes the wait has been long enough. I can deal with that. But without sex she loses her power and her demands become annoying instead of top priority. No, i dont mean should have sex with me every time I do what she says.
And when the sexless night is already a guarantee, why bother? Sorry if I sound cold and callous, 4 months. This is a very sad and real situation that so many of us have found ourselves in. My wife and I have been married for almost 13 years and were together for over a year prior to that.
Our sex life has never been what I would call amazing, but I do Love her very much and have always respected her when she denies any advances. Recently we both gave up our jobs and sold our home so that we could move to Europe again to be closer to her Family.
Work has always been something that kept us both very busy and despite my drive and attraction towards her and being denied all the time I could usually chalk it up as being too tired. This makes me feel horrible, worthless, angry. This shatters me and kills any confidence that I have. Was she messing around behind my back all of these years when I was deployed or away at work?
This is a taboo topic and discussion never seems to go very far. I have thought to leave her at times but want to be her husband yet. I apologize if I got to rambling but needed to vent a little. A sexless marriage as so many people on here will attest to is horrible. What is a person to do?? I am a wife of a husband that was a loving man.
We had 4 kids and I had sexual issues. Now 28 years later he is wanting a divorce and siting the lack of my sexual abilities as part of the reason. I have gone to doctors, counselors, etc. He is my everything. I love him so much and have not meant to hurt him as I have. He sleeps in a different room. He has said He just wants out! My wife has been my best friend. We had a rough couple years.
She gets this moment of changed but then she stops chasing me again. She admits to the change in her willingness to let go and be the fun girl she once was but she doesnt try to overcome the decreased drive?
She was for quite a while. There were days she would try to rip my clothes off. She would send me dirty texts. She would tell me what she wanted me to do. She would tell me her fantasies. She would tell me she wanted me or thought about me throughout the day. She would call me dirty names in public under her breath. We are 35 and We have four kids and are about to leave the country.
She puts everyone before me. I work so hard for her and my children. I go out of my way daily to show her how special she is to me but flirting, being sexually playful, or anything else is a chore. I fight for us. Maybe once in a while she will notice me. But if I try to initiate something, nope. We have had so many conversations. I really am done trying.
It literally makes her less attractive. I am this close to giving up. I am no longer worth her effort and time. I am no longer the most important person in her life. I am no longer worthy of being sought or pursued. And the saddest part. I totally understand where you are coming from. A very, very small percentage of results will be about wives with low or no libido.
The vast majority of search results are about men who have low or no libido and how it hurts the wife. Evidently rejected men are supposed to just buck up, but rejected women are poor hurt victims worthy of consoling.
The previous post stating that all that men are looking for is a masturbation tool I found very offensive. Speak for yourself, pal. Many of us guys are genuinely interested in pleasing their wives, and it hurts like hell when our desires to do just that are consistently rejected. Totally feel the same way. Men are always looked at as if we are to just get it together no sympathy, no empathy no help at all.
She makes herself emotionally and physically available to everyone else, but me. Good men are commanded to do what we are supposed to for our wife and kids whether they reciprocate or not. My marriage is like the Valley of the dry bones. It would indeed take an equal miracle as the bones being restored into living beings, as for some semblance of marital bliss to happen once again.
I just heard on the radio a ZZ Top song that describes my situation. The passion that we once knew could best be described by finding some fine, Classic Automobiles, rotting away in some long abandoned junkyard. Misery indeed likes company. Helps the bitter loneliness some small amount. My wife cheated on me with two men at her work. All while I was expressing to her that our sex life was too few and too far between.
Guess she was getting satisfaction elsewhere. Then, right after she got pregnant, she confessed to the affairs. I feel like she tricked me into staying. We are about to celebrate our 4th year of marriage. She is from Europe, and I am from the states. We met at church we are both Christians when she was here a on work visa. I am seven years older than her. We started out as Friends and worked into a serious relationship over time, as I was in the middle of a difficult divorce where I had been cheated on.
She went back to Europe, and I stayed here. She wanted to wait until marriage to be intimate. I respected her decision and agreed. We had a long distance dating relationship for a year followed by a 9 month long distance engagement.
All the while traveling back and forth to visit, but not being intimate. We played around, but stayed dressed, and were faithful. We married, and being that she was a virgin it was a little painful in the beginning.
It took 2 years to get a green card after marriage, when she came to life in the USA. We put this toward us not having regularly, as we would go a couple months without seeing one another. She has been here now for over 2 years and it has only gotten worse.
We have a strong relationship. She is my best friend. We have so much in common, and do everything together. We have sex times a month. But usually only after I beg. So I got sniped. And she had her IED removed. Even when we have sex she just lays there doing little to add to the experience. She will not do oral on me, so I lost interest in preforming oral on her. And even have lost interest in having sex with her. We talk about it, but it goes nowhere.
I always put her first in sex. I will let her cum as many times as she wants. I love her and want to be with her, but I need her give me the sexual attention I crave. We are here to help! Joe Beam has a podcast on this topic, which you can find here http: Give us a call at if you have any other questions!
Hi m a 27 year old girl from india. I am in relationship with a boy since last years. He is 30 years old. Eight years long relationship and there is no sexual intimacy bw us. M still a virgin. I knw its not normal. He says he has no arousal for me. But i knw he watches porn or these kind of videos or some sexy music videos or randomly sexy women on online or may b in real life also.
I feel like he keeps emotional love and sex separate. M good looking nd normal or we can say sexy. Then what is this. What would you say is it normal to love someone but have no sexual arousal for her. Our case is different nd rare. Normally we listen that sex fades away but in my case sex was never there ,m 27 year old virgin. Hi, thank you for reaching out to us. Please email us at info marriagehelper. Hi I am a woman who is exactly in this situation now.
I now trully understand what happened to him. But Iam very much willing to try it again with him. I love him so much, waht can the wives do, when the husband switch off already. Many thanks in advance. Thank you for reaching out. This video is a great resource for this situation. Wow — finally an honest article on this subject.
The woman wants it, so she withholds sex to get it. The man seizes it back the only way he can. At that point the marriage is dead, and nothing can bring it back. Thank you for sharing.
At Marriage Helper, we believe every marriage can be saved. Call us at if you need help! I am married, born again with my husband. Since weve been married for over 10 years… he rejected me. Our honeymoon was a joke. I cant tell you the pain it causes inside. I keep clean and have a lot of interested men. I pray everyday and call to God in the hardest of times and try really hard to keep any urges at bay.
I am very involved with church and activities around my sisters and brothers in Christ because without them, I will look for someone to tell me Im pretty, or touch me with any desire, or kiss me with any passion. My problem is and I know, that if given a chance or the right opportunity I will sin. I have talked, cried, written to my husband, read books, dressed different, cooked better, talked sweeter, gave him back massages… yes, I have completely tried it ALL.
We have a daughter. I smile everyday and no one knows. I resolve to treat myself as an addict and make it my problem because technically, unless I leave, I AM the only one hurt. I tell myself everyday Gods only exception is if he cheats. So, I can not bring in someone else to fall into sin and use them to gain worldly acceptance that I need.
I just want you all to know, youre not alone. I read every book, but nothing is the answer. No book is a fix, no hours Ive poured into proving hes going to change. Just surrounding myself and crying to God, and reading and studying. I hope he finds me through God to be irresitable one day, and I can heal from the rejection and loss of self esteem to even feel confident enough to have sex with him.
I have a road to travel to find confidence in myself. I dont know Gods plan. I just keep saying to myself there is a big reward if I get this right and its bigger than I can even imagine… the best confidence I could ever have, the biggest fullfillment…yet this doesnt stop the temptation. I just get by day by day and rely on him again for the next day. I pray for you all… please pray for me. Alisha I too am in a similar situation. I am married 14 years to what I used to say was the nicest man I ever knew.
And really if you take away the fact that he withholds intimacy both physically and emotionally I could not ask for a kinder man. If I wanted a butler or chauffeur for a roommate there would be nothing to fix.
Unlike other commentators I never got the chance to deny him unless you count me finally giving up being the aggressor as denial.
I have told him how I feel and asked for things to be worked on but he either just looks at me and says I dont know what you want me to say or says its hard for him if he doesnt feel close to me.
People who know us say we are the ideal couple and envy our relationship. They dont know the only roar in our bed is snoring. My spirit is so crushed there are not words. All I want is to be held wanted accepted desired loved especially especially especially have I emphasisized especially since my stroke 9 months ago but no I cant make him feel close to me so I am rejected.
I feel so lonely in his presence it cuts like a knife. If I had or have contributed to any of his lack of affection you think he would have enough grace to just hold me after my stroke and lie to me and tell me it will all be okay.
How can someone so nice be so mean? Your email address will not be published. Reply Dan, I agree with where you are coming from. Reply Dan, You are a one in a million man. Reply What about oral?
It was the same, she noticed, on her friends' courses. . or should be, seeking marriage or that there aren't women who enjoy casual sex as much as men. There is very strong preference for similarities along a range of attributes, .. Your first thought was equally as shallow so not sure what your point is. Women felt it was more important that their partner made at least as much Neither gender may be shallow, he says, but may be making their choice also compete with members of the same sex when looking for a partner. A member of the opposite sex was nerve-racking enough, and I .. woman is an impossible to please, shallow, superficial creature that is . and Love, repeatedly finding Michael, or people very much like him, in its pages.