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Have you cooked up fast-paced riffs and guitar solos so savage , that circuit boards melt and set ablaze from merely attempting to comprehend your musical glory in digital format? Is my iPod even going to be able to play these songs? You won't even give us so much as a solid release date, which would at least allow me to make arrangements to have the album played in its entirety when they bury me at my funeral.

I thought maybe after listening to the lyrics of your first album, that you might have been able to understand my pain Jari, and the pain of your many fans just like me. I saw your announcement last November, and was once again, let down by your vague comments and teasing words. I've been let down a lot in life. I suppose death's sweet release will dance mockingly around my grasp yet again, as I have to wait until you play some shows this summer in a country I can't afford to visit, in order for your label to provide you with the nuclear power required to run a PC capable of mixing your tracks together.

This will only extend my agony, as you will have to delay finishing your album once again to focus on these upcoming gigs. The vicious cycle continues, and my empty, black heart must continue to beat begrudgingly. Posted by Brenocide at 3: I mean, I don't really need to give you any other reason to do it except that their mellow industrial synthpop indie hipster groove music really sucks.

But here's one anyway: The music is the kind of shit you'd find on sale at a Starbucks counter, with some black metal mock vocals over it for additional hipster hilarity in the unforgivable mockery of all things TRV and KVLT. We got some kids in this music video acting as black metal as someone who is black metal should act, and that's pretty entertaining.

Soon, I lose myself in the music video as I gleefully watch an accurate depiction of how I was a child. Okay, so I kind of like the music video. It's emotionally on the same par as when you're at a comedy club, and you get up to the go to the bathroom, and the comedian just tears into you the moment he sees you get up. Your feelings are hurt and you feel humiliated, but at the same time, it's funny because you really are that fat.

Anyway, we can't kick these guys' asses no matter how much we might want to, because as it is revealed at 4: Still, I wouldn't blame you for feeling vindictive about having your favorite genre of music mocked by these two winners: Could someone please pass me the irony? You're probably mad again now. If you have to ask why I can't just take a joke or have some fun, it's because I'm metal. An advertisement designed flawlessly with the intention of disappointing everyone.

There was always the inevitable turn the conversation would take, as the biggest dreamer would fabricate a roster that not only included Metallica and Megadeth together, but all bands of "The Big 4" of American thrash metal: Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth and Metallica. We would then share a big laugh and a heavy sigh. This was nothing short of an impossibility at the time. Megadeth frontman, Dave Mustaine's severe egotism and alcoholic nature has led to a feud being raised wherever there could be one in the heavy metal community.

Slayer guitarist, Kerry King and Mustaine have been each other's throats for years. I also hardly need to mention the emotional circumstances in which Dave Mustaine was cast out of Metallica, which he apparently never got over. Then, in , thanks to a combination of maturity and sobriety, half of our prayers were answered. King and Mustaine put their years of poison words behind them and co-headlined in the North American Carnage Tour , along with fellow American thrash metal giants, Testament.

As a way to keep their towering egos in check, the two bands alternated back and forth between which ones would close each night. On the second leg of the tour, Anthrax joined the run. We only needed one more band to make it a glorious reality, but I feared that as one of the highest selling metal acts of all time, Metallica had become too big and too proud to consider going along with the dreams of the fans.

The impossible was then at last achieved: I was so thrilled that such a thing was even possible, that I almost didn't even care about not being able to attend. Now it's our turn. As the country of their birth, these bands owe us this much. This is the kind of band roster that has been the content of a hands-clasped plea from the fans for decades now. We've been buying their albums, concerts tickets, shirts, other merchandise, and have been singing their praise for years. The very least they could do is give us what we want every once in a while.

We've seen the teaser fliers, and today's the day they announce the North American dates! A place that so happens to be on an opposite coast from me and millions of other fans. Thank you so fucking much.

I don't care if they originally hail from California. I don't care if they're big bands. This is nothing short of inexcusable. How could this have happened? The hateroade between all bands has all but run dry. We saw with our own eyes that Megadeth, Slayer, and Anthrax were perfectly capable of touring all those dates together last year without issue. They all did it together with Metallica in Europe for seven shows. Why do we, only get this bone thrown at us?

Why do they think one festival in one part of America is enough to satiate our appetite? In the distance I would have to fly to attend a show in California, I might has well have just flown to fucking Europe anyway.

At least I wouldn't have to connect a flight going over the goddamn Atlantic ocean. I'd try to stage a massive boycott, but I don't really need to. These Big 4 gaping assholes have boycotted themselves, by shunning the rest of the U.

S and neglecting the millions of us that aren't going to be seeing this happen, they turned what could have been the greatest tour of all time into the greatest letdown in recent metal memory. Enjoy your show, "Indio". Wherever in California you are. Therion - To Mega Therion. I don't know exactly whether or not this is the worst music video I ever seen, but it's definitely up there. Say what you want about Therion musically, and I have a lot of things to say but where their terribleness truly excels is in their unbridled ability to make a really, really bad music video.

I promise you this will not be the last we see of Therion in regards to the Awful Metal Video of the Week. Speaking of which, if you have a truly horrible music video that you'd like me to bear witness to, by all means, get yourself on the Facebook page, "like" if you haven't already, you know you like me go to discussions, and tell me all about it in the appropriate thread. If I like your idea, I will most definitely write about it on the blog, namedrop you, and talk about how cool and handsome you are.

When Sonic Syndicate reads this blog, they are also going to write a song about it. Long story short, Sonic Syndicate is a Swedish screamo band that back in late made the mistake of opening for Amon Amarth , arguably one of the hardest melodic death metal acts of all time in Worcester, Massachusetts. They received their just desserts, as little more than half the crowd attending actually sat down on the floor for the entirety of their set.

In doing so, we had hoped we would make at least a minor ding to the armor of their confidence as a band. I had no idea, being unable to interpret the vocalist's broken English, and their tenacious ability to play on at the time, just how upset the incident actually made them. The chainmail of their professionalism was utterly shattered by the massive mace that was our reaction as an audience.

We broke their weak, Swedish little hearts. I know I'm very critical of the music that I don't like personally, and god knows I'm going to brutally fault you for liking or playing anything that I don't like. But let's be real here: I'm just some asshole. To quote Tom Dare from a recent Metal Hammer blog: Life is just like that sometimes. Haters - after all - gonna hate. God knows I have my share , being quite the avid hater myself.

We do it for the lulz, it's just how we roll. Delicious, memorable, epic lulz come in the form of one thing: Reactions are how you "feed the trolls" so to speak. If you are in a performing rock band, are signed to a major record label, and have a faithful following of fans and album buyers, you don't let this kind of stupid crap get under your skin enough to react to it.

Yet it got under Sonic's skin. I'd like to direct the court's attention to Exhibit A: The song is titled; "Hellgate: As opposed to Hellgate: Who the hell knows. You can hear the song by clicking here. Good luck listening to it. The lyrics, are as follows:. You are an inspiration to us all Armed with your plastic sword A narrow mind and limited brain capacity What I don't understand is Why you revere a guy Who's lacking an eye and never really existed Tell me where's the sense in this?

Why can't you open your minds Tell me what's the meaning of this Lose lose situation I feel for your god of war Your fairer expenses Must be insane with the mount you got in your garage Don't you get me wrong Cause I'm still impressed By the bastardization between a horse and a spider Tell me where's the sense in this?

Why can't you open your minds Tell me what's the meaning of this Lose lose situation Maybe you should be the one who sacrificed an eye To gain the wisdom you so badly require Your savage agitation won't break us, can't break us Just sit tight and watch our power grow stronger.

My "savage agitation won't break you"? You silly man, it just did. I tore your shit asunder. Sonic Syndicate wrote a song about what happened to them in Worcester, Massachusetts. By actually going so far as to write a song about the incident, all you did was validate our actions. We got to you, plain and simple. What we did ate at your insides so painfully , hurt your fragile, pathetic feelings so much that you had to write a song about it to get it off your chest.

It's like I'm a bully on the playground and I shove you down just because I like to watch you cry; and to encourage me, you cried on cue. You sobbed and bawled and wailed in the form of a song, where you lash out at us for being the big mean bullies we were. Didn't your mothers ever teach you that the best way to deal with bullies is to ignore them?

I barely want to even get into how much this song sucks, lyrically and musically, because it doesn't matter half as much as the fact that it exists.

It's also, too easy a target. For starters, I'm a guy who listens to Amon Amarth, not a devout Norse pagan. There is, believe or not, somewhat of a difference. Making fun of Odin a lot doesn't really cut me as a guy who went to a concert in Worcester, so much as its an attack on the lyrics of a superior band that invited you to tour with them in the first place.

Second, I don't know what realm of existence Sonic Syndicate hails from where the only reason people would think their music sucks is because they are "narrow-minded" or have a "limited brain capacity". I think you're a generic, scream-the-verse-croon-the-chorus, cliche, overdone Killswitch Engage knock-off with too poor a grasp on the English language to be writing lyrics in it.

I guess having anything other than a positive opinion of your cookie cutter metalcore band makes me a stupid, close-minded person. I'll admit, my competency in the Swedish language is all but non-existent.

I will however, promise to all my European readers out there, if I was going to start writing in Swedish, I would learn it first.

I wish I could say mascara wearing vocalist, Richard Sjunnesson had the same kind of respect when he made his announcement about leaving the band last November:. Seeing how there was even demands to the band behind my back of songs without screaming vocals and how they were later obvious downplayed in the mix might very well have been the deathblow to my emotional attachment of the band.

On the other hand, that made this decision very easy for me. It allowed me to go on in life with stuff that feels more important, things that actually manage to stir my heart. I'll do my best to translate this, but bear with me, I don't have a lot to work with. I guess Sjunnessonomississippi didn't agree artistically with the fact that the band doesn't want to do screamo vocals anymore, and that, he says, "will simply not fly with this crow".

I guess the band arguing and the painful memory of that one group of fans being really rude at that one show he performed at in one state of America a couple years ago really was really just too much for Sjunnessonolopolis to handle. So this is a personal message to Sonic Syndicate: I am the man responsible for what happened in Worcester those years ago. I was the man who opened that Hellgate at Worcester. Comment furiously on my blog below, because it is evident you are not above doing so, and every stupid little thing said and done with negative connotations towards you and your shitty band is enough to warrant a song-sized reaction.

Monday, January 17, Posting your updates on your band's facebook page. Sometimes bands and musicians need a reminder about what is and what is not metal. Music, metal music, is metal. It is their right as a famous musician to capitalize off of their sound, name, and subsequent brand that they have created and I am certainly not about to criticize someone for trying to make money. Hell, I want money, lots of money, and I will tell you right now that I am shameless enough to do just about anything to obtain it and the luxuries that it affords.

However, I am going to criticize you for demonstrating behavior that is characteristic of a jackass. Recently, I read a status update from a band and I will assume many of you did, too including a link to a YouTube video informing me of the features of a certain bassist's brand new signature Jackson bass series. Not to sound repetitive and redundant, but I find nothing wrong with releasing a signature line of instruments to capitalize on your success and unique sound.

Maybe this band has sold out so much that they have lost sight of everything but the color green, but this completely and utterly violates band code. Cool, speak in front of people at a convention, advertise in magazines or social networks; sell yourself out because you did kick ass, but don't use the band when you are just one part of the band.

Remember, you are so-and-so from such-a-band, nothing more. You are successful because the band is successful.

Market yourself on your own time. Had the band stood behind their bassist and tried to help their bandmate sell basses, maybe I would have less of a problem with this. Let me repeat myself, what? Where do you get off and in what dimension do you live where this is acceptable? One concept should be a given: If the opposite is true, tell us why, otherwise you are telling us shit we already know. It is well known that it does not pay to be metal or to be in a metal band.

Most of us metalheads know how hard work is to come by, so we certainly are not helping the cause. What do many of the successful bands today do: Say what you want about Metallica and Kirk Hammett, but it is not Hammett's fault for being good enough to have a signature line nor is it his fault that the band sucks.

Metallica sucks because they suck as a band, a cohesive unit, focused on making the band money first and music second. I will not fault Tom Araya for capitalizing on his success in Slayer by releasing a signature bass line, but again, he did not put his interests as far as I am aware over that of the band, advertising through the band and making him seem better than the band.

Once again, their long history of suck is due to them sucking as a unit not self-promotion. Bands do not survive on individualism; metal does not survive on individualism. Both are a brotherhood. Perhaps it is this individualism that has contributed to the two decades of failure from this band. They have underachieved, overachieved, and said they went back to the mindset that made their most successful album successful and have produced nothing but suck since.

Self-promotion is the detriment to any band and this band is full of self-promoters. Metal is and always has been about one thing: Maybe, if you guys focused on the band's success, you might find that you would make more money by producing a GREAT album. Posted by Tyranneous at 8: Sunday, January 16, Brenocide is On Vacation! Once again, I am delivering you sad news that I am going to be taking another short break from the blog.

It's GREAT news for me, however, because unlike last time, it will be under much more pleasant circumstances The lady friend and I are going to be embarking on a cruise to the Bahamas! Although that would be pretty sweet, this is your average cruise line that is a ridiculous amount of fun for all kinds of people and not just metal heads.

I'm sure I'll manage. Even though I'm not going to be on a boat with Nevermore, I promise I'm going to have a sensational time regardless; soaking up some sun, sipping some brews and enjoying the room service, casinos, excursions and especially the sand and crystal blue waves!

No internet, no cell phones, no unnecessary contact with the outside world for an entire magnificent week. Just me and my girl having the time of our lives.

So much for "not having a life". While you're writing about what a close-minded jerk I am in the comments section from your mom's house, this is where I'll be sipping margaritas and having sex.

Some highlights to discuss before I leave you guys for the week: I found some new blood to write on TNM in Tyranneous. He might post some stuff while I'm gone, he might not. Also, TNM has shattered its 10,th view mark this week! For a guy with a blogger account on the dark, smelly corner of the internet, that feels pretty cool. Especially due to the fact that its mostly by word of mouth.

I'm not really too good in the business of self-promotion. You guys are doing a good enough job without me. So thanks for reading, you guys kick enormous piles of ass! Keep spreading the word, dudes. Also to get the community involved, I've started taking suggestions for TNM subjects on the Facebook page. If you haven't already, Like "That's Not Metal" on Facebook, head over to the Discussions section, and tell me what you think is not metal.

If I like your idea, I'll write about it and name drop you at the top of the post! I will be back home January 24th. Keep it together until then! I'll be thinking of some truly epic rants to bring back to y'all when I return, pen and paper in hand.

That is, if I'm physically capable of being mad about anything for the entirety of this vacation. Ed hails from Amsterdam, Netherlands and is a true metal YouTube sensation. He is world renowned for his insightful and often hilarious YouTube vlogs about his opinions of music, his personal life and responses to questions and comments from fans and foes alike. If you haven't heard of him, punch yourself in the face, then go check out his channel on YouTube post-immediately.

Thanks for reading, Ed, and thanks for the subject idea! Link is to the bottom right of the page. I hope your car flips before you get home and your face is smashed in by a twisted mess of steel, glass and pavement.

Not enough to kill you of course, I'm not so morbid. It just needs to be enough of a crash to leave you a brain dead, comatose vegetable covered in weeping family members and infected bed sores for the rest of your shallow life as a human husk. Anything to stop you from uploading that half a mega-pixel video you just recorded of The Black Dahlia Murder on your last-generation Blackberry to the internet.

When you raise your hands at a metal show, you do it to give the horns, clap, or flip the bird at a band that sucks. The "invisible grapefruit" claw is also acceptable. If I see you lifting up your trendy little camera phone so you can record a blurry, barely legible visage of a human being holding an instrument while simultaneously blowing your phone's microphone with decibel levels far beyond what it is capable of capturing, I'm going to smack it out of your limp-wristed hand.

Are you legally retarded? Don't your very few friends or probably mother , complain to you about how static-ridden a conversation is with you and just your loud mouth alone? What dimension of time and space do you hail from where you assume that tiny ant hole of a microphone located on the bottom of your mobile device is going to be capable of capturing a decent quality recording of a live metal act from 10 feet away?

To find a proper example of this inexcusable internet phenomena, one merely has to type in a band name and the word "live" in the YouTube search bar. I don't care what lowercase letter your phone's model name begins with, it's not a good enough piece of equipment to do what you're doing with it.

A cell phone's camera is good for capturing only the following events: See police beating up hood rats - Your hideous children doing or saying something typical and underwhelming. Subsequently, putting it on the internet will guarantee you the most YouTube hits of all time.

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Find a quite place where you will not be disturbed. Close your eyes and bring to mind a picture of the mature escort you had in mind remember to have a wank before you do this! Now focus on the picture and then watch it as it fades slowly to a white sheet of paper and then have a photo appear of a girl your own age that you really facny.

Do this 3 to 4 times then relax and get on with the day.. Then repeat the same exercise the next day. Get out and do some exercise. If you can't then just go for long walks or do something to get your body moving. Do this for at least 30 minutes each day. Follow those two steps for 3 weeks and watch what happens! Remember, schedul the time in yourself!

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