Ca) Just seeking women friend whit rights no relationship. There isn't a whole lot I won't do or try, so hit Anyone want some affection fill with intense sex with anything you want to do and let's try it.
Waiting for a Sugar Momma Profesional male, in shape, discreet and fun seeks a woman, any age, to spend some time with. And waiting for you. I like to please, but at least say thanks after.
One guy I worked closely with in the Internet boom killed himself about a year ago. His father had died recently and he was very close to his father. My friend had a heart condition plus various cancers that kept coming back. He had been fired from AOL in some sort of scandal, and the company we had worked together at back in had gone bankrupt. He was overweight, had no girlfriend, had a speech impediment, and he was constantly sweating due to his various illnesses. When you go through so much sorrow you know that it makes no sense to be mean or cruel to the people around you.
Is this email address really for you? A few years ago Dan was telling me about a friend of his who worked at Goldman Sachs.
They grew up together in the banking business. He was a good looking guy, made great money, stayed in shape, and every night would go for an escort service. You take the girl out to two or three dinners, you wine and dine. And maybe then you have sex with her. He just wanted to have sex with a different beautiful woman every night.
I was trying to figure out how big his bonus was that he could just live off of it forever like that. You are totally right. Just think a little deeper. Do you really want your heart to stop beating? I hardly ever think of the mechanics of my heart. Why would I suddenly want it to stop beating? But when I look back on it, never did I really want my heart to stop beating. I just wanted the death of these various emotions that were hurting me not just emotionally but physically.
I wanted the death of my lack of control over a world that is furious, and chaotic and beautiful and messy. And all of those things did die eventually. How small they are in the rear view mirror. And a little bit of me died with each one of them. By submitting your email address, you will receive a free subscription to Altucher Confidential. This daily investment newsletter delivers free independent financial forecasting and commentary along with carefully selected products and services that we think might interest you.
We will not share your email address and you can unsubscribe at any time. Seen some bad stuff over the years, but you are right just wanted those horrors and fears to die, not me. This reminds me so much of when I was locked up in a mental institution. Sitting there alone in that pink room trying to figure out why I felt so awful. I was just really fucking sick of letting a man hit me. And the fear I was living with died.
I think this article is probably more effective than antidepressants, which I was on when I decided I wanted to die. Life throws us some good times and bad times, and it is up to us to learn how to handle those times.
No one escapes the hard times if one lives long enough. It just gave me a nice read. One of the best written texts I have seen in a loooong time! He talks about his experience in the death camps, and noticed that there were two groups of people — the first lived or if not, retained their humanity because they were focused on a task, a mission, a relationship, outside of themselves.
The point is that our thinking drives our feelings. That is the basis for RET. Changing our thinking a LONG, arduous process, but well worth it will eventually change how we feel. But as you come up, it goes a long way towards preventing a relapse. Again, one is then taking in different stimuli. For those of us close to the rabbit hole, prevention is key.
I have a 12 year old boy that has some of the same issues your AOL guy did, including a speech impediment, various illnesses, social problems. He sometimes talks about death and the peace of death. He has had years of professional counseling. The consensus is he is not depressed. But I am surprised about how he sometimes suggests death as a solution to some of his problems, in a matter of fact manner, not emotionally.
Your insights may help me with him. For privacy reasons I am posting this using a fake e-mail address. Thank you for a post that warrants pondering and a second and third and fourth reading. I guess everyone feels this way at some point, in some capacity, although it never feels like that at the time.
And maybe the loneliness that thinking you want to die creates. This post, and your honesty in general, really resonates with me. I have no idea what to do. I feel like Good Will Hunting, all I see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road. It was wishful thinking out of me that I could become a teacher in the first place.
Starting my own business definitely appeals to me, and I think I am smart enough to do so, but once again can someone with social anxiety issues really deal with all the things that go into starting a business? Probably wishful thinking again……I am making an appointment this week to speak with a doctor about my anxiety issues I have tried in the past and only been prescribed anti-depressants, which do nothing for anxiety , but I was hoping you or anyone could give me some advice about what to do.
I am not asking you to tell me how to live my life, but just maybe some pointers on how you found what you wanted to do with your life……. Anyway, thanks for the article, thanks for letting me vent, and if you could get back to me, I would appreciate it more than you could possibly know.
Or an MSW would be fine too. Here are some good books to look through and look at the summaries and reviews of them and such and see if you think any of them would be helpful to you. Then buy them or get them from the library. They are about selecting the right career for yourself. Sean, I too dealt with anxiety issues around the same age as you about 12 years ago. Here is a book I would highly recommend: Another small piece of advice that was given to me was the HALT technique, which was to watch for being 1 Hungry, 2 Angry, 3 Lonely or 4 Tired… as those can be triggers for anxiety.
For me, the hungry one definitely made a difference though, as snacking and keeping the blood sugar levels more consistent throughout the day really seemed to help. Thanks for the response. At least not for me……Also, you are definitely right about the caffeine aspect. Coffee jacks up my anxiety like crazy, so I try and stay away from it. Only a live person, preferably a psychotherapist with lots of training and a specialization in anxiety disorders, would do that. Some of them function like a pill form of alcohol and might be similar to staying drunk all the time, which you could do on your own without a doctor, if you chose to.
I hear you about the psychotherapist though, I am going to ask my primary doctor to send me to someone who has experience dealing with patients with social anxiety.
In my experience, a sport or martial art helps tremendously. It develops your body, gets you around people your age, is competitive like us animals are meant to be. IMO running is more a social activity. Lots of people your age and generally good people.
Some of us just have chemical imbalances and need that help. A decade or so of good therapy, learning mindfulness meditation, and nearly 8 years using alternative meds like amino acids, vit. I was totally against medication, and now I say it changed my life. Sean, find a good therapist, and a good psychiatrist with experience treating anxiety. There are new meds coming out each year. Yes, exercise moderately, yes get out and socialize at the edge of your comfort zone —say something to the person in line at the checkout counter.
Or look for a local hobby class that you are interested in. But also consider meds because they could be exactly what you need. Lexapro is one that is specifically formulated for anxiety and depression, with mild side effects. Good luck to you and know that you are not alone. Many folks have various inter-related problems, and you might be surprised at what is actually underneath your anxiety and what you might be able to do about it— without every having to rely on addictive subsctances, which could lead to more problems, not less.
First of all you need to realize that there is nothing wrong with YOU! Stay away from the drugs. All those people that you think are pulling away from you…..
They have just as many problems or more than you do, so forget them. You sound like me a few years ago. Then I realized that I am an introvert and all that it means to be an introvert changed my life.
It made my whole life make sense.
Apart from feeling we had to do it on honeymoon, after that it was just to have another baby. A few years ago, it bothered me because we seemed so different from how everyone else is portrayed. Then I thought about dressing up sexily to see if that made us more interested, but that seemed a bit creepy.
I never talk about our sex life to my friends. Our family life is very happy and we have the same sense of humour, interests and ambitions — our home is a nice place for our kids to grow up. I look forward to nights out or weekends away together as much as ever. All sorts of sexual proclivities are accepted now, but being celibate in a relationship is still taboo.
Threesomes, sex with props and role play, open marriages, indeed, hating your partner, all are discussed more readily than what is perhaps the last taboo in a marriage: There are no reliable statistics for how many people are happily married, or in a relationship, and who no longer have sex.
However, in Japan, nearly half of married couples questioned in a recent survey — at least the ones surveyed — had not had sex in the previous month and did not expect that situation to change in the near future. There is no proper name for it. Anecdotally, there may be many more married or cohabiting couples than statistics show who are happily, or resignedly, not having sex. Another factor to consider, and something of a buzzword, is asexuality.
Julie Sale, psychosexual psychotherapist and chair of ethics for the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists, says: The Asexuality Network, asexuality. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. So there may be the couple whose sex lives have dwindled and who are both happy with the state of affairs, or there may be those who never had a sex drive — asexual — and who have found kindred spirits.
The key words here are: For some people, 10 times a year would be a lot of sex! But also, not everyone is married and what does sexless mean to a couple? I left my church last year because they had so much drama, discord and idolatry and they would make me feel horrible for being single!
I have spent the past few years just really hurt and alone. I thought my life was good but between family and church my walk with God, job in corporate America, virginity, nice car, nice apartment and heart for the homeless mean absolutely nothing because I have no husband. Its horrible I have allowed people to make me feel like something is wrong with everything I have accomplished because I dong have a man in my corner. I have a new church now and thank God they have a singles ministry and care about vuilding me back up as a single woman!
Believe me or not, I know Jesus is truly happy looking down from heaven seeing faithful virgins on the earth… women living the image of His Blessed Mother. His mother went on to have other children with Joseph, so she was not the perpetual virgin as the Catholic Church teaches.
The Bible tells us that Jesus had four brothers: James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas Matthew The Bible also tells us that Jesus had sisters, but they are not named or numbered Matthew The most natural conclusion of these passages is to interpret that Jesus had actual blood half-siblings. While the word can refer to other relatives, its normal and literal meaning is a physical brother.
There is nothing in the context of His mother and brothers coming to see Him that even hints that they were anyone other than His literal, blood-related, half-brothers. I agree with you. I do not think that Mary was a perpetual virgin. I do think she was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus, as miraculous as that seems.
I think Joseph was loving and sacrificial, but had a physical relationship with his wife after Jesus was born. I agree entirely that these passages support literal blood brothers of Christ. This is in line with most protestant theology. I could not agree more. This is the main reason I cannot bring myself to walk into church with my son single.
It is like I am not valid or complete. I am overlooked or not addressed at all. Every sermon is about a partner about a spouse about family.
Well I have a family. It is me and my son and I feel the contempt. I met my sons father at bible study and he turned out to be a terrible drunk and drug addict so I left. I still love Jesus. I still know Jesus. I still hear and see God at work in my life. Yet I am single.
The church hates it so I rather hate myself for it too. I feel less significant. They arent talking to me! Ah, dear anonymous friend! So many have met unsafe people in the Church. And that now you find yourself feeling unsafe from the judgement of others in the Church.
While I can sadly confess that these are realities, I want to also confirm with assurance that the church also has very good and kind people who will walk with you through all this hard stuff. Real, authentic believers who have also been broken by this world and are equipped to love you through your healing. Go find a better church! The church uses marriage as a safety net to chastity when it is nothing of a sort.
Many people are sexually impure and married. Singleness does not mean you are or have to be or must be sexually active. And I think then, our marriages will be stronger, our churches will be stronger, and the single people in the church will truly be allowed to be who they are in the Lord. I do not agree with the reach to a gift of singleness. There is not anything scriptual to state that.
In Genesis, God displayed his plan for mankind by by the creation of Adam and Eve and his command for mankind to be followed. In the past, the Church and families brought singles together and preached to single men to court women with intention of marriage and that marriage was a good and should be desired.
Anything to make singles think wanting to be married is not really worth it and the advantages of it do not outweigh the negatives of it. The truth is single mens church attendance is sparse and they will not pursue Christian women.
Christian couples divorce at a rate nearly as high and non Christian couples. So men view marriage as risky and to be avoided or at minimum postponed as long as possible. The Internet gives them do much choice in women. They may think there is always a better woman to be had and be unwilling to commit to any one. They can pursue several at once. Plus, they can get sex without marriage commitment. Why get msrried to begin with if the msrrisge will likely dail?
Helen, your claim is personal not biblical. The scriptures themselves teach that singleness is a gift. The same word charis used to describe gifts of the spirit such as mercy and healing is also used to describe singleness.
Paul himself was the one that assigned and wrote this word. I believe Paul did choose it, but also knew it was an impartation.
What we can learn from this is that we can either suffer through singleness or invite the Holy Spirit into it to receive it in power. There is not use of a gift of mercy unless it is anointed by the Spirit. And no power in singleness unless equally annointed. Thank you for being courageous Dannah and talking this question. But even more — thank you for pointing us to Jesus. He is the key. I agree with your friend, the closer I am walking passionately with Jesus, the more my sexual desires are at rest.
Singleness is beautiful and powerful when lived in the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank you, Dannah, for writing this blog post! I know it may have been hard and is controversial. Your answer is the one I need to remember. Our satisfaction must be in Christ.
Thankyou Dannah for this post! It made so much sense, especially the parts about having an eternal mindset and looking forward to eternity.
As a windowed something I struggle with this. Thank you writing this. Thank you so much for writing this splendid, splendid, splendid article. I am going to print it out and read it everytime I feel a little down. Like a lightbulb that went on.
Truer words have never been spoken. On top of my deafness I confused singleness. Yes, I confused it with loneliness at times. My heart went out to married people. I want the best for them too. I think everyone feels this loneliness or lostness every once in the while. We can get it from a hug.
We can get it from kind words. It just feels like this scenario: So, sorry about your struggle. In fact it is hard being this thin sometimes but……. I expected many would receive it this way. Do you have a different take on how single women should answer the question of sexual longings? This was also my initial reaction. The post spoke to me because the truth is that no one, including me, can say they cannot draw closer to God or be more faithful to that relationship.
As much as I desire a husband and family, I know that I cannot allow that desire to become my god. If I truly believe that God is my omniscient Father, that means I must believe He knows my desires, needs and that he knew them when He established His plan for me. So, if I want to get closer to being fulfilled, physically or otherwise, it will always start with drawing closer to Him.
This post just reiterates that truth. James 4 hits this head on. I was twenty-eight when I married. Immediately my quiet time with the Lord waned as I took on new responsibilities and then babies came along.
If I eked out 15 minutes alone with the Lord it was a miracle. Now that my boys are older I have picked up my passions once again and it feels like home.
As a single, I had to be extremely careful what I fed my soul. When the Lord brings my single sisters to mind I pray for them. I pray that their joy may be full. I have not had that relationship with Jesus that would make a godly wife.
When I want to wine about being single I think of a marriage with problems, marriages that are not based on Jesus, marriages that came about because sex, sex bonded them before marriage without taking the time to know each other, or I think of women in the east who have no rights, who are silenced, who are castrated, and I am so thankful to be a single woman.
I have my ups and downs. I am 48 years old and my hormones are out of whack. But then I think of how filthy I would feel after, and how disappointed God would be, and then I would be stuck with the longing of something I never knew. I use it for a tool to relieve stress and headaches with no sexual fantasies, most of the time. I am a highly sensitive person, all my senses are heightened, which causes me great anxiety, and I crave alone time, because I need to come down from all that stimulation.
I have struggled with the need of wanting someone in my life and the need to be alone. I am a teacher, and at the age of 49, I am glad to leave the children behind. Someone said in a response above, that each situation comes with its problems. You can be very alone in a marriage, too. I have given up on church for awhile and get bitter about the situation of singleness in the churches, and the fact that being married is so important.
Sermons are based around the family, like so many people have stated. And, ministers, like yourself dannah, do not want to address us. They want to send us off to a singles group and have us work out our singleness on our own.
It is what it is. I have my long time friends, their families, and other friends who accept me for who I am. I have my disfunctualities, whatever they have been, or what ever they are, and I have not felt comfortable taking them into a relationship.
They have kept me from a relationship, because I have not known Jesus like I want. I pray, all the time to not let myself base my worth on my singleness. I long to be part of a church, but it is my job to go out and find one and wiggle myself in. I love being with,and knowing married women, older women, and divorced women, because I learn we all have problems, in the area of relationships.
You know, I know have written a book here, but it has actually been very therapeutic. It is making me very thankful that my singleness allows me time to spend with god.
In fact, I am going to close and open his word right now, and know that I have to be still and know God, that, no matter my relationship status, or my disfunctualities, or my sins, everything in the bible points me to the fact that God loves me, the way I am, that he knew me before I was born, he designed me, and my name is written on his palm.
We have so much to glean from each other. If only we did not live in a a fallen world. You can suffer through it or be empowered through it. I so wanted it to go away, but it was with me for about 3 days, non-stop. Unfortunately, I fell again, cause I wanted it to stop bugging me. It could be a spirit that was on me, because after praying in the name of Jesus that any unclean things that are on me and in my mind be washed away, I felt a lot better. May you be continually bold to speak the Truth despite all odds in this day and age.
We were created for sexual desire. God never condemns us for desire. The point of this post is not to condemn desire, but to encourage you in the control and training of it. No married couple would EVER be faithful if we lived that way and we would live in a world of terrible hurt. Sexual self-control is necessary and possible. But I think very few people live their lives entirely without sexual desires.
They all make great points well worth considering and I very much appreciate them. I experienced a similar thing. We Christ followers often forget we have a very real spiritual enemy who has vowed to destroy us by any means possible.
So of course he will attack us in the most vulnerable areas of our life. Married people come under loads of temptation from the enemy, too which is one of the reasons there is so much infidelity nowadays. God bless you in your relationship with Him. Suppress perfectly natural human desires for what seems like more god. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for having sexual desires.
Nothing came from it except for loneliness. I respect your thoughts. I agree with you that God created us with sexual organs and desires. He created us to be sexual and it is his plan that we learn his authentic plan for sexuality. As a married Christian and marriage and family therapist, I would say that if you really understood sexual desire and organs and the fact that the clitoris has NO other function in the body other than pleasure, unlike the penis , you would have dealt with this topic very differently.
There are so many healthy ways for Christians to honor their sexual desires, many like masturbation that would have health benefits. No wonder we have so many women who do get married and struggle to see that desire as holy. The desire is always good, and a representation of how God made us.
This blog shows such a blatant disregard for natural biological functions, that it astounds me that any woman would perpetuate such a thing. This blog post just encourages women to get married for all the wrong reasons.
Unless… you have tried her advice and failed in it. I, for one, have given myself the chance to have the spiritual eyes to solve my physical unfulfilled desires, and I must admit that after unrelenting search for God and His teachings, I have found the answers that i was looking for.
I am now at a happy and peaceful state which I hope will keep fortifying me in His love. And I hope until you find a better way, then let others do what they know is helpful. I appreciate your desire to meet singles in their struggles, and how difficult it must feel to even attempt to do that. It is always good to see singles even acknowledged as members of the Body, and their struggles taken seriously.
God did not make us in such a way that communion with him would satisfy our sexual needs or our social needs, or our need for food, etc. He uses each of these as analogies of ways he invites us to relate to him, but to over-spiritualize those very human needs in response is to fail to recognize the analogy.
Could I grow in my desire for God? Will that necessarily affect my desire for sex? Will those distractions impact different individuals differently? We need to have grace with each other in all the messiness of our individual lives. Scriptural approaches to sexuality and women are complicated, problematic, and deeply contextualized. I believe strongly that we cannot approach sexuality in any other way THAN scripturally.
And that we have to take a full-context-of-Scripture approach. Further more, from Genesis to Revelation the Scriptures send us messages about sexuality and marriage that are a critical picture of the gospel. To what do you look at as your authority on sexual ethics? I look to Jesus — his life and teaching, and most importantly his new commandment to love one another as he has loved us.
And I look to the Holy Spirit in my life, both his urging in the particular and the story he has been telling in and through my life as he has led me over decades. Both of those are deeply grounded in scripture, but no limited to it. It is not directly overlaid onto my life, as though God has done nothing sense or as I were a first century woman of the middle east. It is a weighty thing beyond the comprehension of the vast majority of the church to call another soul to celibacy.
As I have walked that path myself, I am ever more convinced and convicted of that. Ever more convinced that faithfulness is messy to discern — for myself, much less for others. Though I do not plan on dating anytime soon, I do know that the idea of remaining forever single can be very, very unappealing.
Now, granted, I, too, struggle as I single person and I dream and pray that one day I get to meet my future husband. However, so much pressure is being put on men and just marriage, in general, that more often than not, as single ladies, we often forget that our future mates are as human as we are and cannot ultimately, completely satisfy whatever longings we have. Thank you for this post, Dannah. I have to say it. I think this line of thinking is incredibly damaging. So many women live a life trapped in guilt and shame because of articles like this.
They run from God because they are taught that this is what matters to God. To say single women just need more God basically says there is something not good enough about them. We all need more of God. Elevating purity and chastity like this is just an invitation to guilt and shame, which is not from God.
Your love for Jesus and others is so evident when you write about topics that are difficult risky, even! My relationship status only scrapes the surface at the real longings inside of my heart. When I consider Him as a loving Father who knows my EVERY need, and would withhold no good thing from me… I stop worrying so much about my future, and just start living now.
There is so much freedom in that! And then, obviously, I am disgusted with myself…. And through it all, one question always remains: Once you are married, how do you manage to keep that deep, quiet, peaceful passion for God even though you are having sex?
I am working hard to learn to be satisfied in Christ and that He is more important than sex, and that I can have mastery over my own desires through the power of the Spirit of Christ in me.
I am afraid that if I get married, I will suddenly lose control over it all. I guess my question is three-fold: First of all, when you are first married you are obsessed with sex. The scriptures taught men to take women away for the first year of marriage to learn how to please them.
Second, you will find that there is a learning curve to tending to your relationship with Christ and tending to your husband. I noticed his socks in the middle of the floor and the way he leaves the drawers open just a crack.
And I am grumpy about picking them up and closing it. But when I tend to my relationship with Jesus, these things just happen naturally. Because I believe our sexual relationship is to be a treasured secret between us, I can only say this: God at the center stabilizes and blesses the sexual relationship. You really did not answer the question.
Paul writes that it is better to marry than to burn with passion. That verse is one of the more widely quoted, and first of all, does not in any way say premarital sex is a sin, or even alludes to such.
Secondly, you do not tackle the very important question of masturbation or health. However, masturbation does not require that you be mentally or spiritually lusting after someone. If a woman does not orgasm at least occasionally, the muscles of the female reproductive system atrophy.
It can also seriously affect the endocrine system particularly ovaries and production of estrogen and progesterone. Without sex, a woman is likely to experience uterine atrophy, hormone imbalance, and the effects of hormone imbalance, such as weight gain, depression and anxiety, changes in appetite and metabolism, barrenness, drastic changes in menstrual cycle, ovarian cysts… the list is pretty long when it comes to endocrine system deficiencies.
By the way, I am and always have been a Christian. I have also worked in the health and natural health industry. I had premarital sex… a lot. We have a daughter.
He had been the greatest ally in my journey of healing from pay sexual abuse. Let me first say that the goal of sexual self control is not sexual repression. A more total look at my body of work would prove that. Approximately 40 percent of women will awaken sexually aroused and possibly even having a spontaneous orgasm.
A woman should not be condemned by her own sexual sensations, but should allow for natural release of them as God designed. The risk is entirely eliminated.
Go ahead…tell me she can use a condom. And now I will tell you that a celibate woman can exercise and that would eliminate the risk of depression for many. Now, to the issue of the scripture. You do have the correct context of the Scripture. But what of those who are not going to be married? As for your questions about masturbation and other forms of self-expression. I do intend to deal with them in the series.
Hang tight for more great thoughts! I believe Dannah did answer the question completely. Just saying… many here found content in her answer. Sharon, Interesting you should mention those symptoms that a woman can get without having sex. I have had several of those in the last 12 years while waiting on God. Some of those include changes in my cycle, ovarian cysts had surgery and lost one of my ovaries , I have had considerable weight gain, got badly depressed, and wound up taking medication because of my anxiety.
Adding to that I have had a change in appetite and metabolism. Thank you so much. As a single woman in my twenties sexual desire is something that I have wrestled with and I have always felt guilty for having, even though I have never acted on those desires. I know that acting on that desire is sin, but I never understood how to have more control over that desire so that I do not fall into temptation.
Jesus being the answer makes so much sense. Looking back I realize that the times when I was closest to him were times when I did not struggle with these desires, but when I stray, these desires tend to come creeping back.
A truly inspiring blog post. Thank you so much! More God, less world! What about when a woman is married, but her husband does not desire sexual intimacy? Liz, thanks for weighing in. I believe that God would desire for you and your husband to pursue counseling so that he can desire intimacy.
Perhaps if you get to the root of why his desire is off, you can fix it. But I do believe that the same guidelines to purity apply for you. Your husband is the only outlet you can use for sexual expression. Pursue him with love and prayer until there is healing. You are gift and a piece of the light to this darkened world. Thank you for using your wisdom and power that the Lord has given to you.
Your book has had such an impact on just a short period that I can see clearly and understand it now. I have to share with you all that my sexual desires are quiet when I am resting in His sweet love for me. I rest in His love as I spend time with Him in prayer, telling Him the honest truth of my desires and feelings. He takes excellent care of me when I run to rest under His wings! Sweet sister, if He does it for me He can do it for you too. I understand and know the Word.
I wish for one month every single woman could be married and every married woman could be single. I hear aches on both sides. Is it any less painful. YES, there may also be seasons of good sex or emotional intimacy, but is it more painful to be a marriage that needs healing or to be single and desire companionship and getting laid, as you put it.
Ask God for sight. I hear your thoughts. Who does not want to be happily married with a great husband or happily being single and have all the freedom that one desires?
I love the idea that we need to really think about whether if we want a marriage that needs healing or to be a single that desires companionship? A very good question indeed because there is nothing perfect in this world.
However, I must put it this way — getting married is a choice, but staying single is often not. I believe all these ladies who had argued with you had their points. None of them wanted to be single. None chose to be single. Therefore I think it is not fair to compare the two. If one wanted to get married, she must think about the consequences of getting into a bad marriage and then remember she once vowed to love her husband no matter what.
Why is it wrong to desire a companionship? For me, I rather live in a marriage that needs healing than being single that desire companionship. At the end, in the worst case, both desire companionship. At least, I have made a choice and I know this is the trouble that I want to get into. Majority of times, people would end up saying — oh, of course she is weird because she is not married.
What that actually translated into is that she is not getting any sex. Why is it easy and normal for married people to express their anguish without any complaint?
And why any single woman just acted a bit stranger, then all goes to the account of her not being married? I hear your pain and frustration.
The Church has a problem. We do not have a very thick understanding of singleness. How can we change that? What do we need to do in order to make your plight and loneliness more bearable?
Now to a much harder thing to say. What is His plan? His intention for your life? What does his Word say about your plight? My wife left me ten years ago and God used that to draw me back to my faith in Christ which I had deserted 16 yrs earlier.
In return God has gifted me with a couple hundred children in the neighborhood who are effectually fatherless. Almost every one of them born out of wedlock. He has put His love for them in my heart and every last one of them is desperate for legitimacy. Most all of them would do anything just to have there own biological mother and father together.
They do not often tell me their stories but that is perhaps best as God knows their hurts and He is healing them. God is doing a good work and lifting His standard at the very gates of hell. True love and intimacy is always selfless and looks to the eternal.
False love, or lust is fleshly, temporal, self seeking and incredibly destructive. It looks not to the eternal. True love gives all it has and all looks for nothing in return, knowing that the very giving is the best gift of all. It is an eternal fountain with rivers of life flowing out. When someone like Eric Irivuzumugabe My Father Maker of the Trees can experience the horrors of the Rwandan genocide and see the goodness and sovereignty of God through it all, go on to say that God has put it on his heart to reach out to the children of broken families in America, he understands the full consequences of not keeping the marriage bed sacred.
When Nick Vujicic, a man born without arms or legs, says that he does not consider himself hard done by compared to children coming from broken families, he too understands the depth of suffering children from broken families endure. Divorce is not simply a separating of husband and wife. It is the bloody cutting in two of every member of the family. It is an act of violence and carnage and defiles the marriage bed and brings a spirit of death into the family as death is always the penalty for breaking a covenant.
Every time a husband and wife hug, it is an affirmation to the children of their legitimacy and belonging and speaks to the core of their being that they are the product of that selfless love that unites their parents into one flesh that acts in deep and true harmony.
Contrarily, every time a mother or father shares intimacy with one who is not the biological parent of that child save in cases of remarriage where one spouse has passed on it is like a knife to the heart, a complete betrayal of who that child is at the core of their being. That foreign substance is rejected by the body in a violent way in a near fatal manner.
In my dealings with children, I have heard the screams from their hearts and I believe this thing we refer to as step parents is a counterfeit role not backed by scripture. I realize I digress greatly from the original topic but it is all part of the bigger picture. I would challenge every one to give out of their needs as the widow with her last mite, and I would challenge people as the woman at the well, to point others to Jesus even at the time of having their own hurts healed.
God Bless and keep up the good work Dannah. Your efforts are touching the hearts of some of the most needy children here in my neighborhood.
Time cannot confine eternity. The surface of the deeps are only just being skimmed in this life. A brother in Christ with good thoughts can always crash this party. Tim Gingrich, WOW, powerful words! Thank you for sharing your comments.
You bring a depth of perspective to this topic that is not often considered among Christians—or even recognized. Your comments have given a sure foundation to the topic. I stumbled across this writing and see it is a valiant stand. A different kind of fast. But a lot of immersion translates into a short period of forgetting my flesh.
It takes a tremendous amount of focus and prayer to sustain a fast for days or weeks. The truth is the truth. But it is truly and act of the Holy Spirit to live in that space daily. Thank you for sharing this, Andrea. This has led to some specific questions and wants associated also being voiced to Him.
Now though, it is a deeper asking and more waiting! I am 43, never married, raised a son single-never had a serious boyfriend after pregnancy It is different than it has been for a long time. Perhaps the fasting analogy which I think includes tuning the ear to God for something specifically connected to that unfulfilled desire, would result in more growth in Christ.
I also think looking at it that way is more intentional and gives the will a chance to surrender control to Christ rather than suppress or divert attention. My I did go on! Thank you for posting! Whilst I agree that a life of singleness is hard and frustrating, maybe even more so in an African culture, the grace of God is sufficient to meet our every need.
I believe I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, including living a fulfilled satisfied single life without compromising chastity. I am a thirty year old single lady who is still a virgin and I know what am talking about. The word of God is true and we do not need to alter it to suit our situations. Rather, we must align ourselves to the word and then, we will experience much grace and find much freedom.
The more we yield to God, the less we struggle with sexual desire and other earthly struggles. Thank you Danah for this timely word. In as much as it maybe what we do not want to hear, it is what we need to hear.
Whether it is coming from you or anyone else, the word of God remains true. I am a single woman with strong sexual desires and I am not ashamed of them, I embrace them. I know that these desires are part of the human composition that God lovingly created. I pray that when the time arrives for me to enter into the realm of holy matrimony that my new husband can handle me. As godly women we are called to the admonishment that is written in the book of 1Thessolonians 4: The blood of Jesus does cover all.
It is not worth it. Trust me I know. The presence of God is more than enough to get you through. As singles we tend to look at the grass being greener on the other side and become bitter and frustrated because God is taking to long to bring us Mr. Ask yourself now, what are you going to do when your Mr. You are finally a married woman and again sexually frustrated….. What is your plan? God is the plan! In singleness and in marriage. God has to be our end all and be all.
There are no guarantees of paradisiac happiness on this earth especially in marriage. Ask your married friends if they will tell you the truth. All be glorified in heaven.
That is why our author was trying to emphasize keeping our focus on eternal things and not earthly things. Pursue your other passions and gifts and stay occupied with them so that you are no so consumed with being sexually frustrated. It is only for a moment. It gives us a chance to grow closer or furthur away from Him. Even as a married person, this article and especially the last paragraph is very powerful for me.
Dannah, thank you so much for tackling this question. I give you huge props for doing this as a married woman! Thank you for your concern for us singles. I am just flat out, undesirably celibate. But this is where the Lord has me and I have to live with it. Our pastor just did a sermon on Proverbs 5: That, along with the Song of Solomon, is a very hard passage for me to get through and hearing sermons on how the gift of sexual fulfillment is so wonderful and we are commanded to please our spouses, and he still gets butterflies when he sees his wife, and on, and on, and on…..
So I really appreciate you encouraging us. Making peace with singleness for life and celibacy has been a grueling work-in-progress for me. There will likely be more. Just like in any other life situation, it matters what we set our eyes on. I have been a single mom for many years. I dont expect the church to meet my needs. I go to church to love and serve others and in doing so, the Lord always meets my needs. I would suggest that singles really get to know themselves and recognize things they have allowed in their lives that dont encourage them in their singleness.
Im not referring to sin but just some life choices like the movies we watch or music we listen too or the thoughts we allow our minds to dwell on. I have found Jesus to be the answer and my response to Him so important. Disobedience always brings discomfort of some kind slavery isnt fun. Singleness is a gift we can embrace and thrive in if we choose to.
I am so grateful for your boldness in speaking this truth. I married six years ago at 41 and lived with the tension of singleness for 20 years beyond the marriages of my four siblings and many of my friends. I spent seasons living in Christ and others in the world — desperate to figure out how to live beyond seeing singleness as a huge inconvenience sometimes and at others, simply a curse.
When we are filled with Christ and focused on Him, there is no room left for satan to fool us into thinking we are somehow being marginalized or ripped off because we are not having sex.
As single women, it is possible to be sexually alive and whole in Jesus Christ, all the while keeping our relationships, behavior and thought life pure. A deep, passionate love for God and the things of Him fill the empty, longing places so that we are able to live fully, serving and loving others as single people are uniquely able to do.
Now that I am married, I see that one can be equally lonely in marriage as one might feel as a single. Sometimes even more lonely because marriage comes with a false belief in the worldly sense that one should never be lonely again. But, as you mentioned, all marriage is temporary and the sexual relationship hinges greatly on the spiritual depth of each partner.
In times of spiritual drought, there also comes a sexual drought. Spiritual intimacy is the great prerequisite to sexual intimacy. All this to say that I pray God will continue to compell you to speak out about these matters.
A great many women need to have the opportunity to hear and embrace the truth. May you find just the right words from God and others to bring this important message. In the meantime, all of us should look out for the singles in our lives — both men and women — love them, encourage them, pray for them and include them.
As a single year-old, I have read so many articles and books on this topic that I could probably now write an page book of my own, but the thing that always breaks my heart when I come across it is the sentiment you expressed above: Surely you want both. Surely that is part of the draw toward marriage. You have some great thoughts here. It seems like they fit here. It deals with the loneliness.
From the time you were little, you have been told what you can expect, what you deserve, what God owes you. These promises are more American than Biblical. As westerners, we have been conditioned with a microwave mentality that tells us every hunger will be immediately fed, all discomfort will be lavishly eliminated and that we are the center of our own universe.
The message is that you are not supposed to ever be uncomfortable, or have a longing that is not met. Otherwise, we end up embracing false promises. Life is hard; not every longing you have on earth will be fulfilled. This is unfortunate, because it is quite dangerous to place your trust in things you falsely assume God has promised.
Have you ever put money into a vending machine and been denied your snack or soda? In that moment of frustration did you shake the machine to get your dangling chips to drop, or stick your hand up the opening to try to pry out the candy bar?
Often, we can treat God this way. And a lot of times they do. The woman who works diligently on her marriage often falls more deeply in love with her man. The young woman who devotes herself to God and holiness often is rewarded with a godly husband. What if God says no?
Will you still love and worship Him or will you feverishly demand what you expected? Do you serve God because of the gifts He gives or do you love Him simply because He loves you? This makes you doubt His goodness, His faithfulness and His plan for you in all things. Jesus said that He came that we might have life and to have it abundantly. His promises are great, and He is trustworthy in fulfilling each one. However, His ways are not our ways, and He has not promised some of the things you may have assumed He has.
God never promised to bring Prince Charming. Not every good, little girl will have a dashing man waiting to rescue her to ride off into the sunset. Are there some beautiful, God-ordained marriages? But remember that those represent the gracious hand of God. Marriage is to be honored by all as a gift — not an entitlement. I know this may sound like lame comfort if you are waiting, longing and praying that God will bring a man. But accepting that this desire may not be met will free you from the bondage of holding God to promises that He has never made.
Yes, God created you with deep longings to be loved by a man. It is a wonderful thing to pray for and even hope for — but not something to place your hope upon. Your longing to be rescued by the white knight actually transcends the desire for a husband.
These words were written thousands of years before fairy tales. The Cinderella story is just a shadow of a much, greater spiritual longing. When marriage is healthy and men are truly honorable and chivalrous, this is a celebration of the ultimate Prince. Yes, you are destined to be saved by the Prince. His name is Jesus.
And then this on loneliness…because you are correct. You CAN be obeying God and experience loneliness. There are a lot of lonely people in the Bible. The lonely character that haunts me the most is one that you may not have ever heard of. This royal princess seemed to have everything until her half-brother, Amnon, raped her. He obsessed about her night and day until he literally felt sick.
Once he had sex with Tamar, his love immediately turned to hatred. Her tragic story continued as her brother Absalom avenged Tamar by killing Amnon.
Tamar was a victim — a victim of sexual abuse, incest and rejection. In Biblical times, she was disgraced and would never marry, even though she had done nothing wrong. There are many women like Tamar in the world.
Maybe you are one of them. I will never leave you and never forsake you. The Lord sees your loneliness and promises to meet you with His own presence.
So, what do you do with the disappointment? The mundane of your marriage or sex life? If you are alone or discouraged or desperately longing for intimacy, you will seek comfort somewhere. You will place your faith and hope in something or someone. You have a choice: Do not love the world or the things in the world.
If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. I would not want to spend any time listening to you on your high horse to be honest. But sometimes the perspective from a different angle can be helpful if you can just open your heart.
So how can we be satisfied in God? I want to be satisfied in Him whether or not he ever gives me a husband. But how do we do this? Can God really satisfy us single women in the same way a husband would? Thank you though for being so willing to talk about these difficult topics! It seems like most people just want to tell single women to trust God and wait on Him, whatever that means.
Allison, the truth is some parts of life just stink. We address this in Pulling Back The Shades. The woman who is only 30 and her husband is in a wheelchair for the rest of his life will never be held the same way again. The woman whose body will not create life has inhibitions and hurts that may never be resolved.
The single woman who longs to be married…the list is long of our longings this side of heaven. If you are looking for a formula, I have not found one. But I have found his deep satisfaction in my disappointments and longings for this life. Just seek and you will find when you look with your whole heart. Read holy books, especially on the Saints.
Do you know I have beaten my problem with much joy after I read it. He had a problem controlling his sexuality, too. Funny that he was able to conquer himself by hearing the life story of another saint, St.
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